I lost my virginity to a white man

PART 1

I was romantically involved with an Asian boy when I was in high school, but we were just friends. I knew he liked me, and he knew I liked him, but we were both too scared to admit it. We never even held hands or hugged. We were platonic friends. After he graduated from high school, he tried to contact me, but my mother forbade him to ever talk to me again. I heard that he became extremely miserable and tried to commit suicide a few times. At the time I was also in college and I was miserable too. I was depressed and I took out all my energy on studying. I excelled in college and landed a job as an associate manager for a five star hotel corporation, and I was dispatched to Shanghai, China. At this point in my life, I had yet to have any sexual relationship with anyone. I always wished that I could save my first time for that Asian boy I used to know in high school. I had never heard from him again ever since. He had no facebook, no linkedin, no twitter, no social media presence at all. I heard from some classmates that he had dropped out of college. I was very depressed and I always had hoped that he would contact me again, but never ever again did I hear from him.

Then my boss, a white expat from England, came into my life. The five star hotel in Shanghai that I worked for was almost exclusively serving foreigners, white foreigners from Europe, North America and rich Middle Eastern states such as Saudi Arabia, and all the staff were Asians. They were Chinese waitresses, servants, housekeepers, greeters, etc. They were all very servile and you can almost feel the racial dynamic if you had stepped into the hotel. It was an exorbitant hotel, with enormous dome-like hallways and golden rims and large crystal lights, and all the guests were white, and all the servants were Chinese.

Long story short, I became sexually involved with my boss from England, and lost my virginity to him. Every night after work he brought me into his penthouse at the top of the hotel and ravished me hours and hours. I had often cried as he penetrated me, as the memory of that Asian boy I used to know in high school resurfaced in my mind. He took me out to the deck with his massive hairy arms around my thin waist and I can see all the Asian staff gawk and stare in shame and humiliation–yet another young, beautiful, smart Asian girl conquered and subjugated by the bulky, superior white western men. The young Chinese men–all handsome and good looking–looked down in shame. They knew that they were no match to a white man like the boss who took my virginity. They were poor, they did not go to colleges in America, and they were Chinese. I was educated in America, in a prestigious college, and I make more than 10 times what they make, and my boss makes 100 times what I make. Even if they liked me, they would not dare to approach me, because they would be intimidated by my education, my salary, and my status as an American citizen.

But in front of my boss, I was nothing but another worthless Asian whore. He would wave his big western cock in my face and smirk and tell me how small and pathetic I was. I felt so humiliated and ashamed of myself. I felt so inferior in front of him, which made me all the more sexually aroused, and I had the most intense orgasms as he fucked me.

Then one day, as I was checking my email, I saw a message from that Asian boy I used to know in high school. He wrote that for the last 10 years of his life he has been thinking of me. He wrote of how miserable he has been. I cried. I cried. I cried. Yet there was nothing that I could do for him anymore.

I had lost my virginity to my boss, and I am now a white man’s little asian whore.

I blocked him and never heard from him ever since, but deep inside my heart, whenever my white boss fucked me hard, spanked me, whipped me, or used a dog collar to lead me crawling around the room, I remembered him and tears rolled down my cheeks.

PART 2

I lied when I said that I never heard from him again. I wished it was the case. He used a different account and contacted me again, and this is what he wrote: “Are you really going to let me live in this misery for the rest of my life? Give me a release, please. It’s been 10 years. At least let me know if you are married so I can know that you are happy and that you have moved on. All those years, I have been living in misery. I wished I can forget about you, but it’s been impossible. I tried so hard to forget about you, I tried so hard. I was so depressed that I tried to commit suicide.”

I still remember the morning when I read this message. I had gotten out of bed, tearing my naked body away from the hairy arms of my white boss. It was my daily routine to check emails before getting to work. All of a sudden, when I saw this message, my face turned pale and my whole body started to shake. Without even realizing it, tears started to flow out of my eyes like rivers. I immediately rushed to the bathroom to clean myself. I was completely naked and my boss was laying in our bed, his hairy Caucasian belly and his massive, hairy white legs and feet were completely exposed. I felt so ashamed. I almost felt like as if he could see us and I didn’t want to imagine the misery he must have been living through. I sobbed uncontrollably and tried my best to cover my mouth to not make a sound. I was scared that my current boyfriend might see me in this state. I did not know what I would tell him. I did not know how I would be able to explain, why all of a sudden his precious little Asian jade is all crying for no reason.

Deep inside, yet at the same time, I felt a tinge of happiness. He loved me for all those years. He really did. I smiled to myself. Then the realization that I will never be able to see him again made me cry again. I was crying and laughing to my self in the bathroom.

I don’t know if I am making any sense now because as I remember what happened, it feels as if no amount of words can heal the emotional wound that has been my heart. It feels as if no matter how much I write, how matter how hard I try, I can’t forget about this feeling.

I did not block him this time. In stead I changed my name. I changed my last name to just one letter. I changed my first name to my generic English name. I deleted the name of the high school that I went to.

I can’t bare to hurt him again. But I just can’t ever be able to talk to him again. I hope he can forget about me. I hope he can find another girl whom he loves more than me.

Because his once chaste, virginial jade is now no longer what he remembered. This once prudish, innocent Asian girl who refused to even let him touch her, who once only knew love in the vaguest sense of the word, is now nothing but a dirty little chink whore for a white man. She is just another cheap asian whore who will do anything to climb the corporate ladder. Only the memory of me will be able to live in his mind from now on.

PART 3

I suppose the story does have a happy ending. I tried so hard to hide the message that he sent me from my boyfriend, but I looked at it everyday and my boyfriend suspected that something was wrong. He saw me staring over the laptop over and over and crying, and he grabbed my laptop over and saw what I was reading. He said that, first of all, he couldn’t believe that I would still be having feeling for a loser like that asian boy, and that I would be very severely punished, more severely than ever before. He had considered what he had done to me before to be merely part of a game in the bedroom, but now he was angry, and jealous of the fact that my heart was not 100% devoted to him, and he wanted me to be taught a lesson that would make me remember for the rest of my life. Second, this was considered stalking–what he was doing, that is, sending me a message even after being blocked, and trying to elicit pity from me by allegedly threatening me with suicide, so my boyfriend decided to report the incident to the police, and have him either arrested or put out a restraining order so that he would never be allowed to contact me again.

To be honest, there was no way even after high school that we would be together again. Originally I had gone to a state university just like he was, and that was when he first tried to contact me, but he did not go through. Once again he got scared, and he quit. If he had got hold of me back then, we would still be able to be together. But after the second semester I transferred to NYU a top-tier college that’s almost the equivalent of an Ivy League school, and at that point, there was no way that we would be together again.

The whole reason that I liked him in the first place was because he was the smartest student in our high school. He didn’t just have the highest GPA, he was also very handsome and good-looking, but this all changed after the April of our senior year. He did not get into any Ivy League School and he did not become the valedictorian. Meanwhile a lot of our classmates who were more mediocre than he was had gotten in. From what I heard, he was rejected by many of the Ivy League Schools that he applied to and was wait-listed at a bunch of other elite schools and they would all eventually reject him. He lashed out at his classmates, and became very unstable emotionally. No one wanted to talk to him anymore.

In Asian culture a woman must be inferior to man. In Asian culture, a woman almost always seeks out a man that is stronger than her, taller than her, makes more money than her, and has a higher status than herself. Sure there are perverted women who do not adhere to this rule; what they are doing is perverting the natural order between men and women. And in our circle, in the circle of the good Asian students, college is one way to measure that relationship. Those colleges are ranked, and it’s very important to us who got into the highest ranked school. Because I had gotten into NYU and he was only languishing in an elite state college, that meant I was at a superior standing in relation to him, and there was no way he would be able to deal with it anymore.

When he added me on facebook, that was another semester after our first year of college, I did not add him, and he thought he had found the wrong person. Because he didn’t know I was at NYU and I did not have a profile picture. That was when I changed my name. I knew we would never be able to be together, ever again. Even if I wanted to be with him, even if I still loved him, which I didn’t feel anymore at that point, the fact that I had gone to NYU meant that he was now inferior to me and he would not be able to balance his emotion. No, not him, that poor little freak who was always so emotionally unstable and who would never be able to succeed in life. Looking back, I suppose I had shown love to the wrong person. He wasn’t the smartest person in our high school after all. If I had known who got into Harvard, I would have dated him, but at the time everybody thought he was the one who was going to get into Harvard.

My boyfriend, my boss, the man from England who went to Cambridge and worked as a trader for Wall St. and now is the Chief Executive Officer of the corporation that I worked, wanted me to be hurt. He tried whipping me with his belt, but he had realized, I would get scarred too easily. My skin is too thin and I would bleed too quickly. So he stopped whipping me. He wanted to humiliate me. He made me strip naked and kneel inside his apartment for an entire day. He handcuffed my wrists and my ankles behind my back so I couldn’t move. At evening he brought back a cage into our apartment and told me to sleep inside the cage. I hadn’t eaten anything for an entire day and my head was dizzy.

In my fainted mind I once again reminisced to the days of innocence, when we were all just about to grow into adulthood. That was the last period of my life that had so many intense meaning, before the onset of a hopeless, meaningless humdrum had taken over my life. The images of him flashed before my eyes, and tears rolled down my cheeks once again. I did not think I loved him anymore. Yet the memory of him brought back so much pain. And whenever I was suffering, whenever my boss punished me and tortured me, I remembered him. It was the pain that brought back the memory of him. That pain was purely emotional and it was a thousand times worse than any physical pain. I guess deep in the deepest chamber of my heart, I still ached for him.

After spending a night inside cage, the next morning, a group of white expats showed up in our apartment. Some of them were old, some young, some tall, some short, all in all there were 15 of them. Then my boss stepped over and said that I would be gangbanged by all of them.

Submission oozes out of an Asian woman like no other women in the world, my boss had always said, and he loved me precisely because of my submissive nature, knowing that I would never dare to disobey.

They took turns going in and out of my vagina, my anus and my mouth and I felt cum being scooped out of my vagina, and then another dick was inside me. I had never felt so disgusting as at that point in my life. I felt like a public urinal.

Afterward I stayed in the shower for all 6 hours, and no matter how much I scrub, how many times I rinse myself, I could not get the feeling out of me. I had been soiled from the inside out. I did not just need a shower to cleanse my body, I also needed a shower to cleanse my soul, but what soap do I use to cleanse my soul?

This was the punishment that he had given me, and afterward, he said, since I had been sullied by so many men, I was no longer his girlfriend. He would allow me to continue to serve the corporation in my current role, but he would no longer allow me into his apartment. In fact, he said, he would give me to one of his subordinates a very old white man who was bald, and weighed over 300 pounds. Our relationship ended. Just like that, I was taken out like trash, and, the next day, another Asian girl took over my spot.

At least I kept my job.

Yesterday I dreamed of my first love again.

PART4

In my dreams I still dreamed of that asian boy. I dreamed that he became a mutli-billionaire. I dreamed that, twenty years later, he came back again. This time, he was no longer the derelict, hopeless young man that he once was, and probably still is now; this time, he came back. He came back with all the power in the world. He came back on top of the world and everyone else is beneath him. He became the most successful man in the world. And he came back. He came back. He came back to see me again. And I would never be able to forgive myself. I would kneel before him, supplicating before his feet, and I would wipe my own tears with my hair as my tears drip onto his boots. And of course he would no longer love me. At least he would still want to see me, to see how miserable, how broken I have become. And he would smile. I dream. I dream that he has overcome all odds to succeed.

It’s easier for a woman like me to get the kind of jobs that I do, because I pose no threat to the men in power. I am nothing but a pawn to them. But he is different. He is a menace to them, so that is why they must do everything to destroy him. So that’s why he must suffer so much. But in my dreams of dreams–oh god I wish he would succeed. I wish he would clear all obstacles and become the most powerful man in the world. Is it too much to ask for? Is it going to happen? How much I wish! How much I wish.

But at least I can still dream. I dream. I dream.

He was the smartest boy in our class. He was. He really was. Even the ones who got in Harvard and MIT knew he was a genius. Oh, please, please overcome! Because I still believe in you. I believe you can do it. I can never tell you now. No, I can’t. But I know you will succeed. Please god let this happen. I will give my life to see the day when he comes back as the most successful man in the world. I pray.

Author: jennifer suzuki

I have been a very confused—some might say very conflicted—girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making. I was born in Japan, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother or my grandmother was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York. I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so, sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am. Physically I look more European than asian. My father is of mixed heritage—he has white blond hair, but he also has some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that really bothered me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of asians. My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to him naked on her knees or being tied to an utility pole only in her panties during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she had found a man who understood her desires and could give them to her. My dad studied and worked in America before, and during that period he desperately wanted to marry a white woman, and vehemently pursued several white women, but was unsuccessful. At the same time Japanese women were unwilling to marry him. Maybe because just like him they were looking to marry into the white race, or maybe because he had sadistic tendencies. Out of options he settled to look for a Chinese woman. Statistically, marriages between Chinese women and Japanese men have been quite common, and I personally knew quite a few couples just like my mother and father. Even here in America I knew several Chinese women who had Japanese boyfriends and those women were actually quite proud of having superior Japanese men as boyfriends. Japanese in general look much more European compared to other asians and I suspect it was the putative European appearance that attracts other asian women. Of course Japanese are not Europeans, no matter how much we try to become European, just as Jews will never be fully accepted as White Christians. I think Jews and Japanese have a lot in common. We were both persecuted by Europeans, the Jews by Germans, and Japanese by Americans, yet we both come to love our white Masters. Jews weren't officially considered white until very recently, and I think as time progresses eventually Japanese will be categorized as white in the future, though Jews and Japanese will always know that they are still inferior to their Nordic Masters. But as always the Jews will be Masters over the Arabs and the Japanese will be Masters over the rest of Asia. There is no other meaning to life, other than the degree of domination. I had an older sister who looked fully asian, as opposed to me who looked much more European. And ever since childhood I have always known for a fact that I was treated better by everyone else because of my distinctly European appearance. In school classmates would be hesitant to tease me because they always thought my father might be an American or an European man even though they knew my mother was Chinese but somehow they still were afraid of me solely because of my European appearance. The thing was that in Japanese naming system, my mother's last name automatically gets attached to mine, so for example, my name in Japanese would actually be "Suzuki Liu Jennifer", because my mother's maiden name is Liu; this way everyone would instantly know my mother is Chinese. On the other hand my sister was bullied almost everyday by upper classmates because she looked very Chinese. They made fun of her hair and clothes and told her that she looked like a Chinese pig and I had seen boys pulling down her pants and laughing at her for having a "Chinese vagina". I was a very young girl back then and I felt ashamed of having her as a sister so in school I didn't talk to her at all. When I was 12 years old, she committed suicide by hanging herself in her closet. I know this because I was the one who discovered her body. My parents would have never told me about her death if I did not saw her dead body by myself. And ever since her death a dark cloud formed over my head and throughout my teenager years I was constantly harrowed by thoughts of suicide. It was not until I was much older that I learned suicide is infectious and that had been why I was constantly thinking about suicide. The realization made me try not to think too much about death, but no matter how much I try I can never get her image out of my head. Sometimes I feel she still haunts me because I didn't talk to her in school. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I went to live with my mom in China for two years. Contrary to popular beliefs, I had never experienced any form of racism or discrimination against me when I was living in China. Most people assumed that I was an European girl and the aura of being European seemed to make me inapproachable, like the shield of Athena covering me from head to toe. Even when I was in school, when classmates would know my father was Japanese because of my last name, I had never really felt any discrimination, though I did feel they were kind of afraid of me. I had never realized how much being White meant until I was in America: the symbol of power, domination, and superiority that being White implies. Being White is being the entelechy of all that is beautiful, good and righteous. Which is strange because my nationality still is, in actuality, Japanese and as I grew older I started to look more asian. My hair has gotten completely dark and my looks started to resemble my mother's. I used to have very light-colored hair, but I just felt fortunate that I do not look fully asian like my sister was. When I saw this image [of a naked asian woman kneeling next to a black furred dog] in a Japanese SM magazine a few days ago, all of a sudden I remembered seeing my mother in a similar position when I was maybe just 5 or 6 years old. It was not a pleasant experience; it was an extremely scary and traumatic experience, and growing up I heard constant moaning and muffled screams coming from my parents' bedroom. Every evening was a nightmare to fall asleep. But knowing that many asian women were treated the same way as my mother had been treated somehow made me feel better about my own family. At least my parents were not as weird as they seemed, and while growing up I had gradually come to realize that many asian girls have the same masochistic tendencies as I do, but many were just very shy and wouldn't admit their secrets. So it seems there are many masochistic asian women out there who thrives on been humiliated and degraded just like the girl in this image; I don't know why but this image made me feel kind of normal. I have lived in the States for nearly ten years now and I have not talked to my parents, who had divorced, for several years, especially to my mother whom I had some very severe arguments with over the years, especially when she remarried after she went back to China. I was more fond of my father though I haven't really talked to him that much either because he too had remarried. Despite all the mean things I had said about my dad, he was always very gentle with me and never beat me. He beat my sister and my mother but never me and I suspect he was much more gentle with me because of my more European looks. I felt their divorce was a punishment for me, as if they had abandoned me and I never felt comfortable with either of them or their new spouses, whether it be in China or in Japan. My mother's new husband was a very cruel and domineering white man living in China and he never treated me with the same special treatment I received from my dad. And I remember one time when I went out with him people on the street mistook me for his wife and I felt so disgusted I never wanted to go out with him again and then he would yell at me and yell at my mom. I am glad to have gotten out of there. And my dad ... well let's just say I couldn't bear to coexist with his new wife either. The last time we talked was already 3 years ago. This image had brought back so many long forgotten yearnings. I miss my sister and my parents. The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears. Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put. My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you.

16 thoughts on “I lost my virginity to a white man”

  1. Oh…everything about your stort is very touching and heartbreaking.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Yet I feel that you must have a tremendous power in order to survive all. After all…here are you are. Even in the darkest moment…there are never absence of light.
    I would love to be your friend.
    Love/Conny

  2. Fuck, that one was sad. First time I’ve routed for the Asian guy in any of these. Guess this sort of thing is why dominating total strangers has never been much of a turn on for me.

  3. Nothing can silence the heart. If you want to be rich, famous or what not, then follow your ambitions, but you’ll never be happy unless you follow your heart.

  4. This post might get brigaded by the r/drama teenagers so be careful. Anyway touching story, not hot like the others but sentimental(is that the right word?) in a way if that makes sense.

    1. Yeah, this was linked to other subreddit which is why you are getting more comments than usual. Be careful.

  5. I’m not in the position to say this but… Least you didn’t get gang banged by black men who have cocks with a minimum radius of 40mm

  6. Wow I am pleasantly surprised that you still post, I found your blog sometime last year when I realized my inferiority and how I probably cannot ever satisfy a woman as an Asian pencil dick and thought your blog and books were amazing. I was quite sad to see your posts were a few month old so I assumed you abandoned this blog, anyway it is nice to know that you are still posting and hope you talk more or write more books.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s