I have been a very confused—some might say very conflicted—girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making.
I was born in Japan, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother or my grandmother was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York.
I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so, sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am. Physically I look more European than asian. My father is of mixed heritage—he has white blond hair, but he also has some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that really bothered me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of asians.
My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to him naked on her knees or being tied to an utility pole only in her panties during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she had found a man who understood her desires and could give them to her.
My dad studied and worked in America before, and during that period he desperately wanted to marry a white woman, and vehemently pursued several white women, but was unsuccessful. At the same time Japanese women were unwilling to marry him. Maybe because just like him they were looking to marry into the white race, or maybe because he had sadistic tendencies. Out of options he settled to look for a Chinese woman. Statistically, marriages between Chinese women and Japanese men have been quite common, and I personally knew quite a few couples just like my mother and father. Even here in America I knew several Chinese women who had Japanese boyfriends and those women were actually quite proud of having superior Japanese men as boyfriends. Japanese in general look much more European compared to other asians and I suspect it was the putative European appearance that attracts other asian women. Of course Japanese are not Europeans, no matter how much we try to become European, just as Jews will never be fully accepted as White Christians. I think Jews and Japanese have a lot in common. We were both persecuted by Europeans, the Jews by Germans, and Japanese by Americans, yet we both come to love our white Masters. Jews weren't officially considered white until very recently, and I think as time progresses eventually Japanese will be categorized as white in the future, though Jews and Japanese will always know that they are still inferior to their Nordic Masters. But as always the Jews will be Masters over the Arabs and the Japanese will be Masters over the rest of Asia. There is no other meaning to life, other than the degree of domination.
I had an older sister who looked fully asian, as opposed to me who looked much more European. And ever since childhood I have always known for a fact that I was treated better by everyone else because of my distinctly European appearance. In school classmates would be hesitant to tease me because they always thought my father might be an American or an European man even though they knew my mother was Chinese but somehow they still were afraid of me solely because of my European appearance. The thing was that in Japanese naming system, my mother's last name automatically gets attached to mine, so for example, my name in Japanese would actually be "Suzuki Liu Jennifer", because my mother's maiden name is Liu; this way everyone would instantly know my mother is Chinese. On the other hand my sister was bullied almost everyday by upper classmates because she looked very Chinese. They made fun of her hair and clothes and told her that she looked like a Chinese pig and I had seen boys pulling down her pants and laughing at her for having a "Chinese vagina". I was a very young girl back then and I felt ashamed of having her as a sister so in school I didn't talk to her at all. When I was 12 years old, she committed suicide by hanging herself in her closet. I know this because I was the one who discovered her body. My parents would have never told me about her death if I did not saw her dead body by myself. And ever since her death a dark cloud formed over my head and throughout my teenager years I was constantly harrowed by thoughts of suicide. It was not until I was much older that I learned suicide is infectious and that had been why I was constantly thinking about suicide. The realization made me try not to think too much about death, but no matter how much I try I can never get her image out of my head. Sometimes I feel she still haunts me because I didn't talk to her in school.
My parents divorced when I was 14 and I went to live with my mom in China for two years. Contrary to popular beliefs, I had never experienced any form of racism or discrimination against me when I was living in China. Most people assumed that I was an European girl and the aura of being European seemed to make me inapproachable, like the shield of Athena covering me from head to toe. Even when I was in school, when classmates would know my father was Japanese because of my last name, I had never really felt any discrimination, though I did feel they were kind of afraid of me. I had never realized how much being White meant until I was in America: the symbol of power, domination, and superiority that being White implies. Being White is being the entelechy of all that is beautiful, good and righteous. Which is strange because my nationality still is, in actuality, Japanese and as I grew older I started to look more asian. My hair has gotten completely dark and my looks started to resemble my mother's. I used to have very light-colored hair, but I just felt fortunate that I do not look fully asian like my sister was.
When I saw this image [of a naked asian woman kneeling next to a black furred dog] in a Japanese SM magazine a few days ago, all of a sudden I remembered seeing my mother in a similar position when I was maybe just 5 or 6 years old. It was not a pleasant experience; it was an extremely scary and traumatic experience, and growing up I heard constant moaning and muffled screams coming from my parents' bedroom. Every evening was a nightmare to fall asleep. But knowing that many asian women were treated the same way as my mother had been treated somehow made me feel better about my own family. At least my parents were not as weird as they seemed, and while growing up I had gradually come to realize that many asian girls have the same masochistic tendencies as I do, but many were just very shy and wouldn't admit their secrets. So it seems there are many masochistic asian women out there who thrives on been humiliated and degraded just like the girl in this image; I don't know why but this image made me feel kind of normal. I have lived in the States for nearly ten years now and I have not talked to my parents, who had divorced, for several years, especially to my mother whom I had some very severe arguments with over the years, especially when she remarried after she went back to China. I was more fond of my father though I haven't really talked to him that much either because he too had remarried. Despite all the mean things I had said about my dad, he was always very gentle with me and never beat me. He beat my sister and my mother but never me and I suspect he was much more gentle with me because of my more European looks. I felt their divorce was a punishment for me, as if they had abandoned me and I never felt comfortable with either of them or their new spouses, whether it be in China or in Japan. My mother's new husband was a very cruel and domineering white man living in China and he never treated me with the same special treatment I received from my dad. And I remember one time when I went out with him people on the street mistook me for his wife and I felt so disgusted I never wanted to go out with him again and then he would yell at me and yell at my mom. I am glad to have gotten out of there. And my dad ... well let's just say I couldn't bear to coexist with his new wife either. The last time we talked was already 3 years ago. This image had brought back so many long forgotten yearnings.
I miss my sister and my parents.
The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears.
Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put.
My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you.
A family dog
Growing up, I always felt lonely. My family dog was my only companion. He was a slightly larger than a medium sized dog, with grey and dark fur, and a nozzle that resembled a wolf. He was so cute, so adorable, and he was my only friend. I often played with him in my desperate attempts to communicate with another living being, like Madame Bovary sitting by her fire place in a melancholic longing for escape. I want out!, out of this nonchalant prison of thoughts, out of this cruel alienated society, out of these mind forged manacles whose clanking I hear like looming madness; the marks of domestication on their faces, marks of psychological slavery, marks of intellectual death; they are mere automatons, inanimate objects, so lifeless like straw men, hollow men, stuffed men. I can't bare to look at those miserable beings' faces. In a domesticated dog I see more humanity than the entire humanity. If only my family dog can take me away! And I will elope with him to a happy place, where there is no more sorrow, no more dread, no more cold metallic prison walls of the mind.
My family dog was my only friend, and he was my only confidante. To him I entrusted all my deepest secrets. Sometimes I wished I was a dog: no more worries, no more sadness, no more consciousness, no more thoughts, just the need to satisfy my most basic instincts, lying by my owner's feet, worshiping him and completely dependent on him.
Sometimes I wish I could have another dog just like the family dog I used to have in Japan. And he will be my husband. I will belong to him. I will be his bitch. I will obey him, crawl under his belly, gently caress his furs with my soft hands, and please him like I would please my husband. And he will be my beast and I will be his beauty. Albeit he will be a gentle beast, always so obedient to me, and yet always so much more aggressive, and animalistic; he will protect me from harm, with his sharp fangs and naturally endowed muscles for chasing down his prey; and yet he will honor me and obey me like a lover would. He will never be jealous, never be angry, as long as he is fed and watered. He will be my best friend.
The life of the ant is the life of the Asiatic race.
A NEW world order is coming—with White Man as King.
The outcome of China’s rise in the 21st century is symbolized by the rise of Chinese women, and, this, at the very end, will benefit the White Man. The role of the Chinese men, due to its large numbers, general weakness and un-attractiveness to the opposite sex, will be much reduced. Aided with rising technology and lowering fertility rate, this trend will only increase in the coming decades.
The future of China is the current state of Japan: a new generation of men who will never know what sexual intimacy with the opposite sex feels like, whose only form of sexual gratification is obtained through pornography, and whose eventual demise comes through transgenderism, hormone replace therapy, and a lonely death in complete isolation.
The hivemind will control the lives of those Asian males. Unmanned surveillance drones hover in the sky, monitoring every move, artificial intelligence censors every doublethink of the mind, nanobots in the blood stream automatically corrects every unpleasant sensory signal to the brain …
White Man—Free and Regal …
It is clear to any trained observer, and even to the sociologically untrained, that a new attitude toward race has come over the world through the centuries, beginning just after the second World War.
And this struggle for supremacy will end in a new world order, with the white male as superior. The modern white man, who anticipates in merely superficial phenomena the debasement of his own race, is but a surface symptom of something deeper and more potent fermenting in the bosom of the superior white race.
The social subservience of Asian women to the White Man will naturally result in the partial atrophy or at the very least the hereditary suspension of mental qualities residing in that of Asian male and white female.
The Superior White Man is the Center of the World.
Where as the Asian female mind has demonstrated a capacity for all mental acquirements and achievements of Asian men, it will always fall short of the true creative genius of the superior White Man, and as generations of Asians seeks to achieve that capacity, interracial breeding between Asian female and White Male will be expanded; the average Asian woman is educated to endow and worship the White Man, so much so that even an average white man is considered godlike in her eyes, and then for the more highly educated Asian women, her dormant faculties will be stimulated to be all the more intense and powerful with the prodding of a White Man. For example: the mother to Eileen Gu graduated from the most prestigious university in China, went on to enroll in graduate studies at Stanford, and is instrumental in the grooming and education Eileen Gu, whose net-worth currently is 20 millions USD.
This new acquisition of new fields of endeavor by Asian women, their gradual usurpation of all power and leadership away from Asian men, will dull and finally dissipate all their feminine sensibilities toward the inferior Asian men, and will choke their maternal instinct to the inferior Asiatic race, so that marriage and motherhood to her own kind may become abhorrent; and the human civilization, thus naturally selected by the emancipated Asian female, will draw closer and closer to the perfect union, that is, to become purely dominated by Asian female and White Male.
The center of all Asiatic life is to breed out the type of daughter as Eileen Gu’s mother. She dominates the rest of Asians, not through hereditary right, but because she is the womb of this insect race. …
And in the eyes of the superior White Man, she will always be an insect.
I fully embrace my inferior asian status to the superior White Male. The countless facets of White Male superiority are far beyond the limited constraints of my comprehension. Yet the certainty and vast magnitude of White Male superiority are beyond question.
I want to completely surrender to the leadership of White Men. Obedience and service to my superiors is not a gift that i give to Them. It is a privilege that They afford to me. To sacrifice my comfort for Theirs is inconsequential recompense for the gracious benefit of White leadership.
As a servant to the superior White Men i aspire to be obedient, attentive, efficient, and unobtrusive. My service must be a net benefit to the White Men that i serve. This means that i will comply with Their orders and rules without resistance or hesitation. i will be alert for opportunities to be of service. The work that i perform in Their service will be done with the utmost effort and highest quality that i am capable of delivering. My service will be rendered in a manner that will maximize Their convenience and minimize unnecessary distractions.
As a servant i aspire to avoid punishment. This is not for my benefit but rather for the benefit of my White Male superiors. Their time is of the utmost value. Should i require discipline then i am wasting Their time and i am able to devote less time to Their service. While i am completely subject to the punishment of my White Male superiors and am grateful for Their discipline and guidance, my goal is to offer obedient, attentive, efficient, and unobtrusive service.
As an asian female my words and actions will always be respectful and courteous, making evident my recognition of White Male superiority.
For many years, my mother, my sister and I had been enslaved by Chinese National Communist Members before coming to America
TRUE CRIME DOCUMENTARY
Many many years ago, prior to our family’s immigration to America, certain things had happened that to this day my mother had forbidden me to tell anyone else. It’s better to bury those shameful events deep in your memory, she tells me, it’s best to completely forget them …
My parents lived in rural Jilin province, the economically under-developed backwater of the barren, rustic northern China. My older sister told me, after her mother had given birth to her, she had been given involuntary abortion four times. “Unable to bear the shame, she killed herself,” that was my sister’s exact words. “In China, if a woman cannot give birth to sons, it’s considered shameful, and whenever the results came back saying that she had been pregnant with yet another girl, our father took her to the hospital and forced her to have an abortion. At the end of it all, it was just too much for her.”
My older sister always said everything without any emotion. She would just as well be describing someone else’s mother. She went on to describe how our father used to torture her. “Oh the cooking is not done right? He picked up the iron stick and beat her.” In winter time, to keep our home warm, every family had a furnace that burned yeontan, and we always had iron sticks, iron chopsticks, and pike poles studded by scary hooks right by the furnace. “He hated her because she was not able to give birth to sons, and it’s considered disgraceful. Sometimes he stripped her naked and beat her in front of guests. Sometimes he used lit cigarettes to burn her flesh. Another time he used his belt to whip her. Another time he even used a plier to twist her nipples. When her screaming became too loud and disturbing to the neighbors, he stuffed his dirty socks into her mouth and continued to beat her.”
I was of course horrified when she told me all this. Then my sister said “We are women. We are cheap and worthless like insects.” After coming to the United States, and finally being freed, I once told her, recollecting all the events that had happened back then, and all the conversations that we exchanged: “Back when you said that, you should have annotated with an asterisk, adding the phrase Asian women. It’s Asian women who are cheap and worthless like insects.” Seeing all the gorgeous beautiful white girls being pampered and treated like princesses by tall and muscular white guys, my sister nodded.
One particular evening, after another round of brutal beating, her mother drank farm-grade insecticide and killed herself. I say “her mother” because I have never met her mother.
My father remarried a second wife and gave birth to me. Exactly one year before my birth, gender-testing during pregnancy was banned and, no longer able to tell the gender of the unborn, my mother had no choice but to give birth to me, and on the day I was delivered in the hospital, my father cried and begged to heaven that I was a boy. Lucky me, I suppose, that I was born and not aborted. Or perhaps unlucky me, that I was actually born, and destined to suffer this life as a lowly Asian girl.
After I was born, my father was on the verge of suicide himself. “I am doomed! My family lineage is cut. I am rootless. I am now castrated.” He said those words all the time. Not only that, but even my grandparents hated me for being a girl and had on numerous occasions tried to kill me. My grandfather once took me into a forest and left me there, hoping that I would never be able to find the way home, or, even better, get eaten by wolves. Miraculously I walked home later that night. There was another instance when my grandfather tried to sell me to a human trafficker, but was stopped by my older sister.
As I grew older, they had given up on killing me, but not on torturing me. From a young age I was told that as a girl I would never be able to receive the same treatment that a boy would get. “You will grow up and then marry and forget about your parents. Feeding you is like feeding my neighbor.” My dad would say. “What’s the purpose of sending her to school? If she learns to read and write, she will just disobey her parents.” My grandfather would say. “Raising a daughter is like raising a poisonous snake. You raise her. You feed her. Then one day, she will bite you and kill you.”
Both my father and my grandfather were members of the Chinese National Communist Society. My American boyfriend once joked that being a Chinese National Communist is like being a National Socialist, but with the added advantage of being a Communist.
I remember when I was little, I once saw my father cooking chicken for a family meal. He had plucked off every feather of the poor bird, and then poured cooking oil on its skin, rubbing into its every nook and cranny. As it was still alive, he impaled a long, slender bamboo stick about the length of a small child through the chicken’s mouth all the way until it came out of its rear end, and then, he put the thing on open fire. Five minutes in, the poor thing was still twitching as fire crisped its skin. Its legs twirled as the flames burst over it.
Another traditional Chinese dish involved skinning live frogs, put the flayed skin into their own mouths and then cook them by tossing them in boiling water.
This earthly saint, adored by this devil, little suspecteth the false worshipper: for unstained thoughts do seldom dream on evil; birds never limed no secret bushes fear. So guiltless she secretly gives good cheer and reverend welcome to her princely guest, whose inward ill no outward harm expressed.
“Poor thing, what are we going to do to you now that you have given birth to a daughter?’
Never hiding the secret that my father was extremely disappointed that his second wife had given birth to another daughter, never forgetting the fact that now, having two children, he would not be allowed to have another child, due to the One Child Policy, my father took out his anger on my mother. And for the first time, I witnessed, that my sister wasn’t lying to me about what had happened to my father’s first wife.
There is something I need to explain about China’s One Child Policy. While urban areas are allowed to have only one child, in rural areas, a family is allowed to have a maximum of two children. After a family such as ours has had two children, and both female, our family would be put on a watch list, and an official would come to visit our home every month to check that we are not having more children. For any family that is caught having children after the maximum two, the wife will be arrested. She will be forced to give an abortion, and afterward, she would be involuntarily sterilized, and the husband will have to pay a hefty fine, if he ever want to see his wife again.
Well, there weren’t absolutely no options at all. You can try to bribe the officials to have a third try, but for poor peasant family like ours, the bribe would cost way too much money, even if my dad had sold both me and my sister into slavery he wouldn’t be able to afford the bribe needed to get a third try, and if we were indeed that rich, my dad would never needed to have to abide to the One Child Policy. He would have had dozens of Chinese concubines and have as many children as he wished, which is in fact what the really wealthy in China do.
During this period my dad resorted to drinking and after he got drunk, he came home and beat my mother. The beatings were extremely brutal. He would strip her completely naked, hung her wrists by the door frame, and whip all over her body with his leather belt. My sister and I would beg him to stop. I had witnessed first hand my sister throwing her own body over my mother’s to try to protect her from the whipping. Sometimes the crying would be so terrible that neighbors would wake up and come over to try to dissuade my father.
“All I ever wanted is to have a son! Why is Heaven forbidding me? Why is the world so unfair to me?” My father would stagger backward, burst out crying, and then crash on the ground.
It was a cold and moonless night. As usual my father had been bloody drunk and staggered home in tattered clothes. Not only was he a drunkard, but in the past few years became a complete hooligan and often got into brawls with others. His clothes were always torn and there was blood on his face, and also on his clothes. He kicked open the wooden door to our house and walked in in zigzag, almost like a crab. My mother, demure and gentle, sat quietly on the edge of the bed, scared to speak, while me and my sister were laying on our single bed and stared at our father. We had hoped that tonight we weren’t going to witness my mother’s getting another round of beating. “Bitch! Slut! You ignore me!” My dad started yelling. He loosened the belt around his trousers, swingingly it in his hand, while his trousers were about his ankles. My sister murmured to me: “Oh no, here we go again.”
My mother looked up, on the verge of tears, and said: “Have you been drinking again? I’m not ignoring you. I’m afraid to irritate you. Here. There’s blood on your face. Let me wipe it off for you.”
In stead of being grateful to my mother, my father continued to yell: “Bitch! Slut! You give me a son. Or I kill you!”
Then he swung his belt and lashed it across her. My mother screamed as she got off the bed and started to run, but my dad grabbed her, pushed her down on the bed, and pulled down her pants, revealing her naked white bubbly butt, which shone like silver under the moonlike lamp-light. Rounds and rounds of whipping on her naked butt ensued, occasioned by the grueling, wolfish, and desperate wailing of my poor mother.
My sighs like whirlwinds labor hence to heave thee. If ever man were moved with woman’s moans, be moved with my tears, my sighs and my groans. All which together, like a troubled ocean, beat at thy rocky and wrack-threatening heart, to soften it with their continual motion; for stones dissolved to water do convert. O, if no harder than a stone thou art, melt at my tears and be compassionate!
Her pleadings fell on deaf ears. The whipping continued from ten in the evening until midnight. Her screams had become tired and listless. Both my sister and I have been crying the entire time. Finally seeing my father stop, my sister timidly got out of bed, and with my both hands offered a cup of water to my dad and said: “Daddy. Please stop beating mother. You are tired. Let’s go to sleep.”
But all he ever said was: “You give me a son. You give me a son.”
“I will make money. We bribe the official. We—”
“Where you gonna make money? How?”
“I will quit school and make money. I will work. I promise. Daddy, I—”
His eyes suddenly brightened, with an evil askance. “What kind of work can a woman do that make lots of money? And quickly too.”
By this time my older sister had blossomed into a very beautiful young Chinese woman, much prettier than me. She had lily white skin like me, but also a perfect S-figure, with perfectly round breasts and upturned buttocks. I have always been an ugly duckling compared to my older sister.
“You go to work! I will arrange you for work. Tomorrow. You go to work. Quit school and go to work. You go work as a prostitute. You make lots of money. Then we pay bribe to official.”
My mother, half naked, her hands and feet tied to the bed post lying on the bed, all of a sudden started to struggle, “No! What kind of man you are, forcing your own daughter to be a prostitute.”
Thinking back now to the way my mother and my sister had been treated, I find it hard—nay, impossible—to deny that it had a very severe impact on how I turned out later on in my life, especially in regards to my relationship with men, and the type of men that I was bound to choose: it is no secret to all who knew me that I am deeply masochistic and sought out men who are sadistic, who are wiling and able to treat me as worthless, men who find no compunction in beating me, abusing me, and taking advantage of me, both physically and emotionally, and in the twisted and sick way that I was brought up, I have always derived immense pleasure and sexual gratification in such treatment. Deep inside I had always had the nagging suspicion that my mother and my older sister too had enjoyed being treated in this way, even though they would deny and abject that such a thing even existed, and will never openly discuss any of what I have written here, but in the buried deep of the subconscious, that interior ecstasy that sexual slavery procures them like sweats that pour out of their pores of their hair follicles as they are being tortured, shows itself underneath the layers of plastic emotional makeup that they wear.
I once asked my sister what they did to her in the “Red Chamber”, the brothel in British Weihaiwei where she had worked as a prostitute and she told me the following: “For the first three days, me and six other girls were locked in a single room without any food or water. Then on the third day, a group of men came in, and smeared honey all over their genitals. We had to lick the honey off their genitals. Later on we were given food to eat, but before we were able to eat, all the men came over and ejaculated into our food. We had to eat the food with their semen on it. The owner told us this is how they train the girls to give the best blowjobs, so that we naturally associate men’s penises with food and would not feel disgusted when swallowing semen. Most of the customers we serve are foreigners, westerners, middle-easterners, and sometimes even African, and in order to stretch out our pussies we had to wear dildos inside our pussies at all times. In addition every night we were ganbanged by as many Chinese men as possible, because most Chinese men had small dicks, so the owner said, we have to be able to take Chinese dicks without any problem and then we’ll be able to serve foreign customers. Many western customers demanded anal sex, and we had to learn to do that as well.”
Even though her training was harsh, the fruition of her labor was sweet and delicious. Within just a few months, my older sister had risen through the ranks to become “big red”, a term denoting the most popular and the hottest girl in the Red Chamber. She was even recognized as having the best blowjob skills among the girls. She said whenever she saw a man’s penis, she couldn’t help but be reminded of the honey that she had sucked when she was near starvation. “The mere sight of a man’s penis made me salivate. I sucked every cock as if it were my last meal.”
Combined with her extraordinary beauty, she was so well-beloved by so many customers that within a year, she had made so much money that our family was able to afford to build a new three-storied house and still had enough left to pay the bribes for my dad to have another child. Not to mention that some Japanese customer was so smitten by her charm that he wanted to marry her and take her to Japan and make her into a JAV actress.
Ay me, the bark pilled from the lofty pine, his leaves will wither and his sap decay; so must my soul, her bark being pilled away.
In order to bribe the official, you must invite them to dinner, make conversations, drink alcohol, flatter them, then and only then, will you be able to lavish your gift to them, which they will refuse to accept, and you have to insist, yes, please please accept this bribe as a gift, it’s sincerely just a gift and mean nothing else, and they will pretend that they have never done this before, that they are not as corrupt as you think and will act as if they were offended that you think so little of them, and then, you have to grovel on your knees, begging them, flattering them some more, obsequiously, subserviently, slavishly, and finally, yes finally!, they will reluctantly accept your bribe.
That day my father, my mother, and I spent the whole day, cleaning the house in preparation for the dinner with the regional officials in charge of the One Child Policy program.
Like VIP customers they arrived and my entire family went out to welcome them with flowers, me and my mom dressed in our best clothes. My mother wore a red skirt, symbolizing joy like a delicious, ripe fruit and I wore a lily white skirt, symbolizing my pure innocence.
The drinking started from 5 PM and did not stop even when it was past midnight. My mom and I had all been exhausted to the point of passing out, but the drinking continued. One official, a chubby middle-aged guy with a bald head, said that they should play a game, a ritualistic game played at the drinking tables that was like a glorified version of rock, paper and scissors that I played at the playground. I didn’t know and still don’t know what it was but the official said, instead of drinking, the loser should get spanked.
“Oh that sounds like fun. I think I’m gonna definitely lose. I’m not good at those games.”
Because my dad was trying to bribe those officials so he could have another child, he was not going to let those officials “lose face” by being spanked, so he already knew he was going to lose and he was going to lose on purpose. As soon as the game started, my dad had been losing. By the tenth round, the official with the pot belly said, “Maybe it’s time to pay up.”
“Do it to my daughter.”
“Okay, if that’s what you said.”
Like worthless insects that can be stomped and killed at their free will, women are to those Chinese men, and so it was no big deal to beat women, unlike it is in the west. My mother, my sister, and I had all been spanked frequently by our father and grandfather, so it was no big deal, at least that was what my dad said.
So, my American boyfriend liked to watch wrestling. I used to remember watching with him and there was a few instances where one guy will bend his opponent over at the waist, pull his arms backward and then lock his arms behind his back and push this opponent’s head into his crotch, so now the opponent’s ass is turned upward and there is no way for him to move out of this locked position.
Well, that was what the official with the pot belly did to me. He pushed my head into his crotch and my arms were twisted behind my back. Then another official, the tall one, flipped my white skirt up and pulled down my white panties so my lily white buttocks were completely revealed. And then, using a big wooden board, he swung with full force and hit my butt cheeks so hard that I felt a shock wave going through my flesh and into my pelvis. In about three seconds, whereas before those three seconds I had been quiet and tried my best to endure the shame, the humiliation, and embraced my self for the incoming pain, as I felt the scolding pain shooting up my nerves I screamed out in agony and my legs kicked wildly around so wildly that my shoes flew off, but the official with the pot belly had so firmly locked me in submission I was unable to struggle free. Then another hit landed. The pain was so unbearable my legs kicked so high my entire body flipped vertically upward and I was screaming and crying hysterically. I heard those men’s laughter as I screamed and cried. Then I felt somebody grabbing me by my bare feet—since my shoes had been kicked off in my wild struggle—so I stayed in position and another hit landed. My whole body went into convulsion and I felt I was on the verge of death. Everything before me started to blur and that was when I heard a woman’s pleading: “Please stop. For Heaven’s sake, please leave my daughter alone. Do it to me. Do it to me,” at which point I passed out from the pain.
The grey-eyed morn smiles on the frowning night, checkering the eastern clouds with streaks of light and fleckled darkness like a drunkard reels from the day’s path and Titan’s fiery wheels.
My father eventually got what he wished for. The official granted him a special waiver so he could get his wife pregnant, and as luck would have it, he did have a son, but he was never the same afterward. He became morose and taciturn, and though he hadn’t been drinking as much as he did before the birth of my little brother, now he just smoked lot. Like a pack of cigarettes a day. As if his mind was troubled, but troubled by what exactly.
I never knew exactly what had happened that evening after I passed out. By the time I woke up everyone was gone. I had seen a meat cleaver being left on the ground next to my bed. I asked my mother where did all the officials go and she pretended to not understand what I was talking about. They were trying to hide something from me, exactly what, and why, I suppose, I would never be able to know.
My sister was continuing to make so much money at the Red Chamber in British Weihaiwei. For those of you who are not familiar with the name, Weihaiwei used to be a British colony located in northeast China. It was used as a hubbub for commerce and today, even though no longer a part of the glorious empire, many foreigners still go there to do business with the Communist Chinese, who claim ownership to the patch of land like a greedy and evil patriarch, and so as commerce boomed, prostitution also boomed. It was a major sex tourist destination for rich foreigners from America, Europe, Japan, Singapore, the Middle East, and so many Chinese girls went there to sale their flesh.
It is interesting to note that all my family members have very white skin. My mother, me, and my sister all share this trait in common. And our lily white skin won us a lot of favors among the yellow-skinned Asians who adore white skin as a symbol of wealth, status, and beauty. Especially with my older sister who many people have compared her to a pale swan, because she is so white and so slender, and so often seemed so cold and melancholy.
So while the European and American customers didn’t care that much for my sister’s fair skin tone, many of her Japanese customers absolutely loved her and lavished her with gifts, tips and, eventually an expensive trip to Japan from which she never came back. Her Japanese husband called her “my fair love” and kept her there.
Even though my father, being a typical narrow-minded Chinese national communist, didn’t care so much about my sister’s marriage to a Japanese, he did enjoy all the money she had made to our family, and so he didn’t have much to complain. Besides, my sister was the one who enabled him to have a son, so literally it was my sister who gave birth to his son, sort of incestuous if you ask me, for him to be made a man out of his own daughter’s vice, and for my brother to take life from the shame of his sister.
“Stupid pigs die!” I still vividly remember those words spoken by my sister’s Japanese husband. At the time my Japanese was not as fluent as it is now, and those words were the first ones I learned when I arrived in Japan. So it’s true, you always learn swear words more quickly.
Some other Japanese words that I still vividly remember was when he called my sister “shallow, materialistic, gold-digging.” He had a special nickname for my sister. When I heard it for the first time, both me and my mother thought it was a nickname of endearment, like darling, sweetheart, etc. Only later did I learn that my sister’s nickname meant “Anal Slave”.
Initially, right after my sister married her Japanese husband and moved to Japan, my mother and father were of course very proud and bragged to our neighbors about the extraordinary wealth their son-in-law had, “He can buy all the potatoes in our farm! He has a TV and a computer in a every room!” Even though there were still strong lingering animosity between China and Japan due to World War II, money trumped all. Whorish and money-loving, some might say, but others just see it as practical. Besides, well, at least initially, her Japanese husband was indeed not only wealthy but very generous to my sister, even when she was still working in the Red Chamber. And whenever our neighbors walked by our house, which was by then a brand new three-storied house, they pointed and wagged their fingers and said, “This is built by the japs,” with many shades of jealousy and envy.
Sometimes they would also go home and berate their own wives: “Why are we not as rich? We have daughters too! Why don’t we send them to work in the big cities!” Everybody knew what kind of jobs my sister and many other poor peasant Chinese girls did in the big cities. It was an open secret … that my sister was a prostitute and catered almost exclusively to foreigners, mostly Japanese businessmen.
There was even a period of time when everybody in our province was actively planning to sell their daughters into brothels to make money, and human trafficking of girls was such a huge problem that the government had to intervene to put a stop to it. Even though prostitution is technically still illegal in China, it’s literally everywhere. Everywhere.
“Sister is doing this so you can go to college one day,” my sister told me. “Sister’s life is hard, so it can be sweet to you. You must not let me down.”
During those periods of time I tried my best to focus on my study, to prepare for gaokao, the college entrance exam, the hardest test in all of China, one that will determine one’s life for the rest of their lives. Those that make through it, will be on top of the world, and will be able to move to upper echelon of the Chinese society, and those that don’t, will forever be relegated to inferior positions in life.
But sometimes life just throws a curve ball at you that there is no way for you to prepare. My father had become very arrogant and some into a fight with the relative of a local official. He was emboldened because, he felt, “My son-in-law is a foreigner,” and so no one dared to touch him, but he forgot that he was still living in China, and in China, officials are like gods while a poor peasant like him were as worthless as an insect. No sooner had he done the deeds, he was arrested and detained without a trial. My mother had become very scared and tried to go to the police station, but being uneducated, the only thing she knew how to do was to make a scene and soon she was arrested for disorderly conduct. The lucky thing was that my mother had been released a few weeks later but our dad was never to be seen again. Rumor had it that he was being set up, because he had previously offended the officials at the One Child Policy Program, who held a grudge against him. And in China, there is the expression, “Officials take care of other officials. They are connected like open ducts.” If you offend one official, then another official from a totally different department will try to get back at you when they have the chance.
In the meanwhile, my mother—though she was often abused by my dad, she also realized that she could not go on without him, in a male-dominated society—did something that she was going to regret for the rest of her life. She went straight to the prefecture district above ours for an appeal and she told them that her husband had been wrongfully imprisoned and the officials were using the incident to take revenge on something that had happened before, even with allegations that the officials of the One Child Policy program were trying to rape her. Her stories were even published on newspapers. Except that she didn’t have any evidence. The details were blurry, but soon the newspaper ran articles that she had fabricated the entire story. Stories even further reveal that my father had sold his daughter into sexual slavery, and not only that, but he was involved in blackmailing, kidnapping of women and smuggling them to Japan for sex work. “It was all part of the scheme,” my mother to this day fumes. “If he had that kind of ambition, he would not have been that poor.” In an authoritarian society, with no independent press, simple poor folks like us had to take whatever the authorities throw at us, with no recourse. Not only did she not save her husband, but our family had become the black sheep of the entire village. Everybody shunned us. We had nowhere to go. That was when we decided to join our sister in Japan.
Alone, abandoned by her premonitions, fleeing the chill that was to accompany her until death, she sought a last refuge in the warmth of her oldest memories.
When my mother told my sister about her plans to move to Japan, my sister was very, very upset, and my mother was angry at her for not being understanding. “Your father is dead. The whole village thinks he was a rapist and a murderer. Nobody in the village even talks to us anymore. You have to get us to Japan. Please!” But it all became clear when we arrived in Japan. It turned out that my sister’s husband was a Japanese porn producer. He has been using my sister as a porn actress in their house.
Every week my sister had to produce five pornographic videos, so one video a day for every business day, as agreed upon in her contract, for a period of two years, and if she fail to do so, she would have to repay the production company 50 million yen in lost revenue. She has been given over ten different nicknames or aliases to be used for different scenes and for different producers. The scenes she has been acting in included bondage, enema, anal sex, waxing torture, whipping-torture, gang-bang, no-condom bare-shot, fellatio, amateur, exhibitionism, etc. There were scenes in which she would go to a person’s house, pretend she was his girlfriend, and perform “amateur” scenes under the name “anonymous slut”. In addition to forcing her to performe in pornographic videos, her husband has been renting her out to fans who wanted to have sex with her for a fee. This was also included as part of her contract to “interact with fans”, and whatever amount of “fee” was collected, her husband split between himself and the production company. I felt so pitiful for my sister and yet, when she saw that I was crying, she beamed at me with the sweetest smile, and said to me,”Don’t cry, little sister. This is nothing compared to what I had to endure while I was working the Red Chamber in China. I used to have sex with 200 guys in a single night. My life is good now.”
On the first day my mom and I came to my sister’s house, as we unpacked our things upstairs, my sister was being hogtied, and given an enema treatment in the living room. Then her “Master” dripped hot wax on her bare ass, and she screamed in pain and jumped to get away, he stepped his foot on her face and shouted at her in Japanese. Many years later, as I recollected those events, I finally understood what the man told my sister. “Behave. Endure. Or else your whole family will be punished.”
The next morning, when my mother and I woke up and came down for breakfast, we saw my sister being tied to a wooden post, completely nude, and her husband was shoving a dildo down her throat. My mother started to cry but my sister tried to comfort her and said, “Don’t worry, mommy. It’s all just an act. We all have make a living. It’s no more degrading than being a waitress or a doctor. I will fix you breakfast as soon as we finish shooting this last scene.”
An inner coldness which shattered her bones and tortured her even in the heat of the sun would not let her sleep for several months, until it became a habit. The intoxication of power began to break apart under waves of discomfort.
Being Chinese myself and still in the process of learning Japanese, very quickly I became acquainted with a Japanese citizen of Chinese descent. His mother was Chinese and father Japanese; he spoke both Chinese and Japanese fluently. After being together for nearly half a year, during which he not only taught me Japanese but helped me in so many ways in life, being grateful to his help, I established our relationship as boyfriend-girlfriend, by giving ways to his lust. At the time he was attending one of the best universities in all of Japan; not only was he extraordinarily smart, but very good-looking. I was a recent immigrant to Japan, coming from a rather poor family, living with my mom and sister and her husband, and I felt a tremendous sense of shame and inferiority before him.
In order to maintain a deeply unequal relationship with a man of so much higher social status compared to myself, I never dared to say “No” to him and compromised in every way imaginable. However, I was still traumatized. I told him that I had a previous boyfriend while I was living China, after which, he said, I must confess to him all the sins that I have committed prior to meeting him. He was bothered that I was not a virgin, and to him, “Virginity is very important to a woman. It’s a symbol of her chastity, her purity and her innocence. You lost your virginity to a Chinese man. That is an affront to me as your current boyfriend. It’s a disgrace to my lineage.”
At one time he even lamented: “My poor fate! My girlfriend didn’t even give me her first time. Why is my life so full of suffering?”
I asked him if he ever had a girlfriend before me and without much hesitation or any affectation of hypocrisy he told me he had three girlfriends before meeting me, and then he went on to explain: “But it’s different for a man. For men, there’s no such a thing as virginity. In fact, it’s considered a pride, an honor, that a man is able to copulate with as many females as possible. On the other hand, for a woman, losing her virginity is a disgrace. It’s shameful. After losing her virginity, she becomes nothing but a slut. She is no different than a whore. Any man can now use her as a cum dump. She is seen as dirty as a public toilet in the eyes of men.” Then, he even proceed to show me a picture of a naked Asian woman, bound and blindfolded, with piece of cloth covering her sex, that said “public toilet” on it. He said, “Since you are not a virgin, then you are a slut, and this is the proper way to treat you from now on.”
After much arguing, as my whole face flushed deep red, he went on to say, “You did not give your virginity to me; you have disgraced yourself and your whole family. You should atone for your sins.”
Despite of my continued deference and submission to him. gradually, I came to discover, he became even more obsessed with my previous boyfriend. He asked me in great detail about my sex life, and made me swear to him that I was telling the truth or some disastrous events will unfold upon my family. He seemed especially infuriated by the fact that he was Chinese, even though he himself was half-Chinese. One time he told me, he felt disgusted by that fact that my previous boyfriend was a “dirty Chinese man.”
In order to punish me, “because you have sinned against me,” he said, I would need to obey him absolutely, and ever since, he started making me call him “Master” (主人様), and stopped referring to me as his girlfriend, but used such names as “bitch,” “slut”, “slave”, etc., even in front of his friends.
One day, he demanded that I have the words “Chink Slave” tattooed to my body, with the tattoo session videotaped. “Go to the tattoo shop. Take off all your clothes when you get the tattoo. I don’t care who sees your naked body. You are not a virgin, so you shouldn’t care anymore. Get the tattoo artist to videotape it or have yourself videotape it and then send the video to me.” I wanted an explanation and he said “I love to see the painful expression on your face as you endure pain and torture to demonstrate to me your absolute devotion to me, through your painful and humiliating act of mutilation, in the form of this degrading tattoo.”
Ever since, I have ceased to feel any sense of dignity as a human being in front of him. I have been transformed into his property, his slave. He even brought a dog collar and a leash for me to wear at his home.
I was his full time servant, maid, and sex toy. I cooked, cleaned, washed his clothes and complied to his every depraved, perverted sexual demand imaginable. Saying “No” was never an option and if I ever showed the slightest reluctance, he would administer punishment to me, each one more terrifying and more deviant than the last one. To give you an example. He once had me tied and flicked his fingers on my eyeballs to teach me a lesson about obedience. Afterward I had trouble seeing straight for an entire week.
One time, he and his classmates came to our apartment and apparently I had said something that offended him—perhaps it was an impolite use of a pronoun, since at the time my Japanese was still conversational and not fully fluent, and in Japan, being impolite is considered a grave offense, especially for someone inferior to offend someone superior—he told me to slap myself in the face. I was highly embarrassed, being in front of his classmates and I told him I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Once his classmates left, he threatened to report me to the Japanese Immigration Bureau for immigration fraud and have me, my mom and my sister all deported back to China. In order to appease him, I knelt before him and slapped myself hard across the face. But in stead of pleasing him, as I had expected, he then said, with the querulous touchiness peculiar to Japanese men, “So you did understand me. You have lied to me once again. You are a very typical Chinese. Dishonest, full of fraud and deceit, just like your whorish sister and mother. Go wait for me in bed. You need more punishment tonight.”
Living with him had become pure torment. Like a sailor who sat in a small boat in the boundless raging sea, surrounded on all sides by heaving mountainous waves, I quietly suffered and endured in the middle of a world of horror, as though I was asleep in a nightmare from which I was never able to awake. The initial love and romance that I had so cherished had been turned into hell fire. The sight of his naked body filled me with trepidation and fear as he repeated his assault upon me and I felt disgusted, I felt angry. I felt raw emotional hatred when he ejaculated inside me.
I tried to leave him, but he said if I ever leave him, he would commit suicide. He said he had fallen in love with me, in the deepest love he has ever experienced. He could not possibly go on living without me, he told me, with a sincerity that made my heart melt and my blood coagulate.
In the days that I escaped from his apartment I shut myself in my bedroom in my sister’s house and wept an inconsolable weeping that lasted for days, the cause of which I had kept well-hidden from my family. I had always been raised to be a cordial and warm-hearted person, but deep inside I always had a solitary and impenetrable heart which I had allowed no one to peer into … until I met him, that is. No one else was ever able to understand me. No one else in the world. Repeatedly I told myself those lies as my tears melted into my pillow case. On a rainy afternoon, as my mother and her friends—a group of Chinese women all married to Japanese men—chattered away in the dining room on the most recent gossips, gradually I lost the thread of conversation and slipped into a delirious netherworld of melancholic dreams and a sudden attack of anxiety overcame me. I walked across the dining room, and into the bathroom at the end of the kitchen, and locked myself inside and, in the midst of trying to cover my hysterical crying, I lowered my head into the toilet and started to drink the water out of the bowl.
Fascinated by an immediate reality that came to be more fantastic than the vast universe of her imagination …
I was confounded by my own behavior at the time. Looking back now, I think—according to my psychologist, and this was her analysis of my behavior—it broke out as an reflection of my repressed urge, to be the public urinal that my Master had always intended for me to become, and so when I saw the toilet in the bathroom, the image of myself as a public urinal flashed before my mind and I acted in accordance with my repressed urge.
I could not bear the taste of disgust in my mouth, but I persisted. I drank the entire bowl of toilet water and I was filled with an eerily confused feeling of pleasure and rage, as an unbridled satisfaction for humiliation overcame me. After I drank the water I started to lick the ceramic rim of the toilet and made a point to lick up every speck of dust and refuse. Big drops of tears rolled out of my eyes and touched the ceramic and I licked my own tears. I thought I had realized at that point that he was the only man who deserved this show of degradation. I thought I had come to the conclusion at the time that the image of him peeing into the toilet at another location was transubstantiating to me the warmth of his bodily fluid through the aquatic savor that left a humiliating aftertaste in my mouth and a sediment of peace in my heart.
I could no longer resist the longing and sadness. After two weeks I went back to my tormentor to apologize to him knowing full well that he had more deviant torment awaiting for me when I returned. He told me that I must beg him like I would beg for my life. I crawled before him in the lobby of his apartment complex and I kissed the ground that he walked on without a care in the world that I was making a scene and strangers were staring at me. In his intoxication of rage he sought to aggravate still further the wounds that he had inflicted upon me as he dragged me into the men’s room and ordered me to drink his piss. I did as I was told, but then, after put his semi-erect penis back into his trouser and zipped up his fly, he said, “As a descendant of the honorable Japanese lineage, I cannot possibly keep this degrading promiscuity with a tainted chink who had lost her virginity to a non-Japanese man.” In a harsh and cutting tone I told him it was he who had been threatening me with suicide if I didn’t come back to him; it was he who had been begging me to come back; it was he who threatened to kill my parents if I didn’t come back; it was he who had threatened to report me to the Japanese Immigration Bureau; it was he who made me swear that mother and sister will all die horrible deaths if I didn’t do as he demanded. Drunk with this melodrama, he began to hit me all over my body as I could not deny the satisfaction of seeing the amazement, the anxiety, the grief, the rage, and the mirth that my unconventional courage to defy him for the first time in my life caused him to lose his temper and, perhaps soon, his sanity, and the resulting punishment that I deserved and received transformed itself into a translucent alabaster of hatred and love in which I was lost and of which I’m still incapable of communicating into the English language, despite of leaving Japan eventually and coming to live in the United States for the rest of my life.
“Repent and suffer for your sins”—that was his motto for me. An unending need for redemption. A perpetual list of sins for which I would never be able to atone for in an eternity. Because to him, I would never be able to fully atone for my original sin, that I was not a virgin when I became his girlfriend. So I must repent and suffer and obey his every command, comply to his every degrading and humiliating demand.
In order to prevent me from leaving him again, he started to videotape all of our sex sessions and he said, that if I ever tried to leave him again, he would have all those videos sent to my family, my classmates, and shared on the internet. In total, there was more than one hundred such videos in existence, including videos of me drinking his urine, being whipped, licking his feet, etc. I thought back to my sister and I felt that through what had been happening to me had made me infinitely more connected to her than ever before. Deep in the burrow of my heart, even though I pitied my sister, I, perhaps, had also looked down on her because of her profession, but, at that point, I realized. I was no better than her. I was perhaps even worse! Because I was not being honest.
His level of sadism was rising in parallel with his adrenaline level. After I went back to living with him, he said he had more plans for me, and beaming with pride, he told me he would have my nipples pierced and studded with large golden rings, to punish me for being an unchaste woman. In his notes I found that he also planned on having my nose pierced and put in a septum ring. “Then I would have your vagina sewn together so you would never be able to cheat on me again.” He even showed me pornographic videos in which those procedures were being done to other women, and I shuddered at the thought that one of those women would turn out to be my sister or my mother, and he told me, he wanted to turn me into one of them eventually.
Whenever I think back to those things that he had said now, I still feel delirious with fear, anticipation, and trembling, and yet at the time, I remember, when I looked at him in disbelief, I saw nothing in his face other than an ineffable joy which seemed to have come from paradise. I realized that my torment and degradation had brought him a super-terrestrial joy, that his morbidly sadistic, depraved treatment of me brought him nothing less than a voluptuous pleasure corresponding to an immortal and compensating glory that glowed in his face. For him, my suffering was his ecstasy.
Despite the numerous times that he had threatened me with suicide, it was me, I thought to myself at the time, “who will succeed in killing myself.” One time, I tried to commit suicide by slitting my wrist. My second attempt was by overdosing on sleeping pills. I dreamed that I woke up in another world.
“Mommy, baby want a hug.” I still remembered the text he sent me that morning.
“Baby, mommy will atone for her sins once and for all tonight. Mommy will receive her ever-lasting punishment tonight and be finally cleansed of her sins.” I woke up, text-ed him back and committed suicide.
And then I fell asleep again, and then I reawakened again, albeit for a few short moments, long enough to hear the creaking of the wooden floor, and to open my eyes to stare at the shifting kaleidoscope of darkness, to savor, in a momentary glimmer of consciousness, the sleep of death which lay heavy upon my flesh, the whole of which formed a part of my entire being, and whose insensibility I soon found myself return to share.
It was too lonely in death, the yearning for the living so intense in death, the need for company so pressing, so terrifying the nearness of that death within death, that I ended up loving life, holding unto life so dearly as I held unto my mother’s arms.
… so the desire which directs our actions descends toward them, but does not reach back to itself, whether because, being unduly utilitarian, it plunges into the action and disdains all knowledge of it, or because it looks to the future to compensate for the disappointment of the present, or because the inertia of the mind urges it to slide down the easy slope of imagination, rather than to climb the steep slope of introspection.
Sometimes as I lay awake in bed, I could see my father being tortured in prison, except, when I got closer, I realized it wasn’t my father. It was my sister re-enacting the scenes of torture in her porno. Sometimes I feel as if I was dead and and I went over to the other side of the world and over there I talked to my sister and saw her still making pornos in Japan.
We all sort of knew in the back of our minds that the marriage between my sister and her Japanese husband was a sham, not in the sense that they weren’t having sex or making money, or that there was no genuine love, but in the sense that whatever love there was it has been plastered over and strengthened or, perhaps, ill-founded by money and an unbalanced power dynamics. After she obtained her permanent residence in Japan, she divorced her husband and, of course, her husband wasn’t happy. He cursed at her, cursed at my mother and me, because, according to I know, he had given a substantial sum of money to my sister, and even had given her a residential property; not only that, but my sister had made millions of yen from the Japanese pornographic company, but that, apparently, wasn’t enough for her; she sued the company for exploitation and the company decided to settle the case and she got another lump sum payment. So our family was once again able to live a relatively comfortable life all thanks to my older sister who has always been the breadwinner of our entire family.
In the three-year period since our family moved to Japan, not only did we repay our debt, but my mother and sister—infused with an entrepreneurial spirit that would later shock and awe my white American boyfriend, when I retold my story to him—started our very own brothel in the red light district of Japan. The front operated as “Chinese Massage Parlor”, the walls outside featured beautiful and scantily-dressed Chinese girls kneeling on the floor and smiling, and once you go in, you would be led to a large hallway with ornate decoration like a five-star hotel, and you would hear the catlike feminine voices of girls eagerly cajoling customers to have sex with them in broken Japanese interspersed with constant bickering in Chinese.
“Good blowjob. Master. Me. Give blowjob. Good blowjob. Master. Very comfortable for you.”
Customers are politely referred to as Masters.
“Little Jin, you are so desperate. Haven’t you had enough dicks to suck last night? Let me have this customer, will you? O-Master. Me. Good blowjob. Me horny. So horny.”
“Hey Jie-jie (old sister), talking about me being desperate? Looks like you are more desperate than me since you haven’t had a customer in the last two days. With your looks you would be standing in the street flashing your pussy at strangers and still no one will be wanting you. Ha! Me. Master. Me.”
“Eh! Bitch. O-Master. Me cheap. Me full service. No condom. Bareback. O-Master.”
“Jie-jie, you might as well be offering yourself for free. Me. No condom also. Master. Me. Shaved pussy. Master. I show you now. Master.”
“Why don’t you go out in public completely naked and beg for people to fuck you already? You desperate little slut. O-master. Please. Me. Me horny. Me so horny. O-master. Big dick. Please.”
Even though they were all prostitutes, they looked down on and ridiculed each other mercilessly. And this was just a very typical conversation that they would have between themselves. Sometimes argument would even lead to them physically assaulting each other.
Many of them were my sister’s former colleagues and acquaintances from Weihaiwei. They arrived Japan on tourist visas and, once they were here, they would start working while simultaneously be on the look-out for potential Japanese men to marry. Many ended up marrying their customers. In about just six months after launching the brothel, there would be hundreds of Chinese girls waiting for customers on every given night and they offered unlimited varsities of sex as long as you had the money to pay for it.
The business operated solely based on referral basis. And for every newly referred customer, the first time was completely free, provided that you must have had a referral from another customer. The guarantee was that, there was no way you would only visit once. When I told this to my white American boyfriend, he was amazed and extremely tempted and even started to beg me to introduce him to the place. Unfortunately, the business was only open to Japanese customers and do not admit foreigners, not even Chinese, despite the fact that the prostitutes themselves were Chinese. When he asked me why, the best explanation I could think of was “It was just because they were Japanese. It has something to do with the national character of the Japanese. They are different in that you can do it with them in this way and trust that they would not take advantage of you or try to exploit it for their own selfish interest. They have to be Japanese for this business practice to work.”
Sweet, gay, innocent moments to all appearance, and yet moments in which there gathers the unsuspected possibility of disaster, which makes the amorous life the most precarious of all, that in which the unpredictable rain of sulphur and brimstone falls after the most radiant moments, whereupon, without having the heart or the will to draw a lesson from our misfortune, we set to work at once to rebuild upon the slopes of the crater from which nothing but catastrophe can emerge. I was as carefree as those who imagine their happiness will last. It is precisely because this tenderness has been necessary to give birth to pain—
I woke up three days later in the hospital with my mother besides my bed.
It was during this period that I reflected upon all that had happened since our family moved to Japan. The pleasure, so long lost, of being with him was intoxicating, and the suffering, from the pleasure of our love, was inseparable; like a pitiless eagle whose beak was rending my heart, and in whose claws my tortured mind was unable to escape for even an instant, love had driven me to madness.
I reflected with shame and a creepy bitter sweetness upon the time he “interrogated” me for my alleged sexual intransigence prior to becoming his girlfriend. He had me sit in a wooden chair, and placed a lamp that was shining directly into my face, while a video-recorder was placed on a table opposite of me documenting everything I said. He was wearing a black police uniform and waving a stick in his hand like it was a sword, then, he asked me “regarding your your ex-boyfriend, the Chinese guy,” he sneered when he said it, “to whom you lost your virginity, how big was his penis? Remember, if you lie to me, you will swear, all your family will die a miserable death. Do you understand?”
And he would continue: “Did you engage in oral sex with him?” And, “in what sex position did he fuck you? You must be completely honest with me or I will shove this stick in your asshole, you Chinese whore.” And, “Look at the camera, and tell everyone that will be watching this, how wet were you when you lost your virginity to your little Chinese ex?”
The interrogation went on and on and I became agitated and horrified with pain at his jealousy at an unknown person—I felt like I was watching an eagle dipping its beak into the bright blood of its prey as I sat there, motionless, being forced to confess to my sins.
After the “interrogation” he would tied me up and have sex with me and he would say things like “My Japanese cock is so much bigger than your little Chinese ex, isn’t it?” My whole body went limp like a wounded deer accepting surrender while his penis was pumping in and out of me. “If you ever lie to me I will teach you the language of my whip.”
“Silly child, why would you do such a foolish thing? The light is right at the end of the tunnel. Do you not remember all the suffering we have already gone through while we were trying to escape from China? There are no hurdles that we cannot overcome now.” The soft and compassionate voice of my mother interrupted the incessant torment of my recollection and my cheeks were refreshed by new streaks of tears.
Many years later, after we emigrated from Japan to America, my mother told me that on the night before my second suicide attempt she had a nightmare, and she dreamed seeing me asleep in my bed, and blood was running out of my body like rivers, and it poured onto the floor, slithered across the living room, the hallway, crept underneath the door and like a flood roared through the streets in broad daylight. Then she woke up and followed the trails of blood to find me laying unconscious on my bed, just as in her nightmare.
On a dull and listless afternoon, after lunch and getting back to work, my supervisor and his secretary went together inside their corner office and shut the door, while I sat in my cubicle and was once again caught up with more meaningless and mundane paperwork. In a stupor I started to daydream. And intermittently I heard others exchanging typical office gossips and laughs and talking about the up-coming party, to which I still didn’t know if I was invited, or whether indeed I was invited and that they had already planned more ways to humiliate me this time.
Being the only Asian female in the office, where over 80 percent of my colleagues and superiors are white and male, I’m used to being treated like a pinata, being the butt of their jokes, and, more often than not, being the helpless victim of their multifaceted sexual innuendos and attacks.
I continued my daydream. I thought back to high school, to college, and to my first work experience. I thought back to all those years and the memory flashes before my eyes as if it happened yesterday. My entire life flashes before my eyes. Except I no longer feel anything. I do not feel joy. I do not feel sadness. I’m living and breathing still, but I do not feel alive.
“I just hope they don’t humiliate her too much.” My face started to blush as soon as I heard their remarks about me in a whisper, and out of the corners of my eyes saw their fingers pointing at me.
“They do so only because they are sexually aroused by your presence.” A white female coworker saw me and noticed that I was looking at her, and so she spoke loud enough for me to hear, her voice filled with jealousy and envy.
“We are ready to leave. Why don’t you go to the car and wait for us?” Judy, the secretary, a tall, overbearing blonde woman, who often jolted me from my somnambulistic tasks with her sharp voice, came to me and tapped me by the shoulder.
I was awoken from my daydream.
Quickly I put my things away and got up to walk out, but just as I was going by the corner office where my supervisor is, I was stopped. “While you are waiting for us, chink slut, I expect you to find a cock to suck. Don’t take too long finding one, since we’ll be right out. And don’t try to hide either. Just suck someone right there by the car!” My supervisor stared at me from his desk inside the corner office and shouted so everyone could hear.
My heart sank and my cheeks turned red and hot. I didn’t reply to them, and in a daze, just walked out to the car. I noticed they could watch me from the window and I knew if I didn’t do what I was told, I would be in big trouble. And I also figured they wouldn’t come out until I was on my knees sucking someone’s cock.
Getting to the car, I felt lucky, because Allen was just getting ready to leave too. He waved at me and with a bright smile said “Hi.”
I said back: “Hi. Allen … Can I ask you something?”
He came over to the car where I was standing. “Sure! Anything.”
With tears almost in my eyes, knowing full well this was going to be hard, if impossible, but I had to do it and since he had already fucked me once, sucking his cock would be easy. But it wouldn’t be easy right there in the parking lot.
“Allen, caaaaaan I suck you?”
He didn’t know what to say and was silent for a long time before he blurted out, “Sure, let’s find a place to go.”
“No. Right here. Right now.”
“But someone will see you doing it and you’ll get in trouble and I probably will too.”
Before he had a chance to finish the sentence I was already on my knees in front of him, unzipping his pants, and pulling out his gorgeous white cock. Once I had it out and in my mouth, he really couldn’t do anything but stand there and let me to suck him off.
My supervisor and his secretary watched me doing it and then went outside. Allen saw them approaching and tried to push me away, but I kept him right there in my mouth and wouldn’t let him move.
The pair came up to me and Judy said, “Chink, what are you doing?”
I didn’t remove my mouth from Allen’s cock, but managed to roll my eyes up to my supervisor, pleading with him to let me stop, but he just laughed when he saw the humiliated look on my face and said, “Oh I see. You are sucking a cock. Good little Asian slut. Don’t worry, Allen. She does this a lot.”
Just about that time, Allen pushed all the way into my throat and shot his heavy load down my throat. As soon as he was done, he pulled out and stuffed his shrinking cock back into his pants and tried to leave.
But my supervisor said to him, “Wait a minute. She has something else to show you!”
Allen just stood there, wondering on what earth was going on.
“Stand up, chink,” ordered my supervisor. “Now, show him what is under your skirt and tell him why it is like that.”
“Pleeeeaaaasseeee. Sir. Not that!” I begged.
I raised my skirt up to expose my locked cunt. I couldn’t look Allen in the eyes and just held my head down in hot shame, and tears rolled down my cheeks. Allen was staring at my bare pussy, seeing the tiny lock hanging from the rings in my pussy lips. He was dumbfounded and couldn’t say anything.
“Now tell him why!”
part 15 interjection
“Okay now go get a nice bath. You smell like a whore and we don’t want our guest to see you like this.” My owner told me.
I went to the bathroom to bath and I had to use the small bathroom in the hallway, since I was forbidden to use the my other bathroom off the master bedroom. That was now Judy’s private bath.
Running the water, I climbed into the tub and soaked. My pussy was sore and swollen. My ass felt it had been turned wrong side out and my jaws hurt. “I had been fucked so much last night, and I don’t know if I would ever be fucked again.” I thought to myself.
I was soaking my hurts away as my mind drifted back to my past. My family needed money and I only knew of one way to get it. I told them I was working, but they didn’t know that I was selling my body. I had been fucked by so many different men and got paid well for it. No one would have suspected that I was a whore. I got into the prestigious NYU, even earned my scholarships to pay for my tuition, and afterward I got an internship at a prestigious company and then immediately afterward a well paying job. I brought my own house and I was so feverishly pursued by so many different men who showered me with gifts and affection …
“Hurry up, slut! Our guest will be arriving soon and we still have to get you ready!” My thoughts were interrupted when Judy barked into the little bathroom and yelled.
I jumped when my mistress spoke and I wondered what was going to happen next. Even though my mind wanted everything to stop, my cunt had become moist again. I could only listen to my pussy and everything else in my mind was blocked out.
As soon as I got out of the tub and dried off, I was met by my owner who grabbed me by my arm and pulled me toward the living room.
I gasped when I saw my dining room table in the middle of the living room. Attached to each leg was rope and I dreaded being tied up again, especially after last night.
He took me to the table and said, “OK, slut, up you go. On your back. Legs spread. Move it!”
I hesitated, sensing that something terrible was going to happen, but my hesitation was short lived. With one hand, my owner grabbed the golden lock which hung from my ear, pulling my head down, and with the other slapped me harshly on my naked ass three times. “Slut! I said! On the table! Now! Do it!”
Having no choice, I got on the table, and lay down. My eyes were filling up with tears and I didn’t want anything else to happen. As soon as I was on my back, my owner and Judy grabbed my arms and secured them to the table legs. Then, moving down to my legs, they spread them apart and tied them to the table legs as well.
As I lay there dying, spreadeagled on my own table, in my own living room, the wood was cold on my naked skin, I felt so open. My pussy was in plain view for all to see. “I hate it.” My mind said. But my pussy continue to tingle. I sobbed and begged. “Please, don’t do any more evil things to me. I have done everything you wanted. Please let me go.”
My tormentors laughed and then my owner said, “No. You have not done everything I wanted. I told you that your cunt was now mine and no one else was to have it. But two times you fucked up and screwed someone else. So tonight we’ll fix it so you won’t fuck anyone again without my permission.
The door bell ran just then and Judy said, “I will get it.”
I was left alone on the table while Judy and my owner both went to the door. I heard them talking:
“Come in. Stephanie. Glad you could make it. Would you like a drink?”
“Sure, I’d love to. Where is the subject and what do you need me to do with her?”
“Oh, she is in the living room. Hopefully she is just the way you need her. We will explain what we want.”
They walked into the living room and Stephanie saw me spread out on the table. I was also able to see her–a petite Asian woman with long black hair, and pale white skin just like me; her face was ovid and her eyes were small–and I watched in silence and dismay as she burst out in laughter at the sight before her.
“Haha! Well! Oh mine. Haha! This is a first. No one has ever given me such a willing subject before! Haha! So, what is it you need?”
“Can we tell you in a minute? There is something else we want her to do first.”
“Sure, but you know my time here has to be paid for.”
“Oh, you’ll be paid well and even get something added to it.”
“Haha! Okay, what comes first?”
“You cum first. Stephanie, We would like you to sit on this little slut’s face and have her eat you.”
“You know I’m not into girls, but if the price is right, haha, I will allow her to eat me. But don’t expect anything like that from me. I don’t eat pussy.”
“No, we don’t expect that. If Judy wants her pussy licked, the slut will do it. We just want her to eat you. She doesn’t enjoy eating cunt, so that’s why we want ti. Besides, you let men eat you, right? It isn’t any different.”
“Well, haha, OK!”
Still laughing, Stephanie reached under her skirt and took her panties off. Judy took them over and pushed them into my mouth to “Just give her a little taste of what’s to come next.”
Stephanie got up on the table and stood right over my face. I looked up and saw her pussy. It was neatly trimmed, just like mine used to be, before I had laser hair removal. I didn’t want any of this, but I had no other choice.
She started to squat down on my face and just before she had her pussy there, she reached down and pulled the panties from my mouth, like I was her personal toilet. She sat down, smothering me with her open slit.
She slid back and forth on my mouth and tongue, and I put my tongue first into her hole and then on her clit and then back on her hole. I was in heaven and never knew that it would be so great being with another woman. Now I thought about all the other women I knew and wondered if they wanted me to suck their pussies too. I have always enjoyed sucking cock, especially big white cocks, but never realized that I might be bisexual. I could tell she was getting close and she rode me even more. She ground her cunt down on my face and forced me to suck in order to get air to breathe. The closer she got, the harder she rode and suddenly, she stiffened up and drove her cunt down hard, suffocating me.
“Haha! God that was great. I wouldn’t mind more of that!”
“Stephanie, you can have her whenever you wish. Just let me know when.”
Judy grabbed Stephanie’s panties and wiped up the woman’s cunt juice with them. Once they were soaked with her cunt juice, she wadded them up into a ball and shoved them into my mouth. “Don’t want her to forget your taste and we don’t want her screaming either.”
“Now that you are well satisfied, Stephanie. And Judy, you are well entertained. Let me tell you what we want.”
“Sure, Haha. I can’t wait to find out.”
“Well, you see, my asian slut here fucked two guys without permission and now I want to lock up her cunt so it won’t happen again. We figured that if you put rings in her pussy lips, two on each pussy lip, one pair toward the top the other near the bottom, I can put padlocks on her pussy so she can’t use it.”
I was stunned to hear this. I tried to protest, but the gag muffled all the meaningful sounds.
Stephanie thought for a moment and then said, “That may work, but three set would be better. Then she can be completely closed up and no one can get into her.”
“No, I think two set will be enough. Put one set about one-third the way down from the top and the other about one-third the way up from the bottom. Make sure she has the same two holes in each lip.”
“OK, but if it isn’t enough, I’ll do the third hole free.”
“Very good. Now let’s begin.”
Stephanie had all of her tools with her and laid them out on the table between my spread, open legs. Then she pulled her panties out of my mouth and wiped the juice and wetness from my cunt. Of course, they went back into my mouth as soon as she was done.
I tried to beg for mercy while the panties were out, “No, please. Sir, please don’t do that. I don’t want holes in my cunt. Please. I’ll do whatever you say, but please not that.”
Then the panties were back into my mouth. I couldn’t talk anymore and my owner merely laughed.
“Sorry, cunt, but you disobeyed me and I won’t have that.”
I was crying, tears running from eyes like rivulets, knowing how much it was going to hurt and that I would always be at my owner’s mercy.
Meanwhile, Stephanie started measuring the length of my cunt, taking a small marker to put a dot on each lip where she would put the holes. Satisfied that they were all even, she took an alcohol wipe and rubbed my swollen pussy lips, making sure they were clean.
The alcohol burned my lips and I was in agony, but soon it went away when the alcohol dried. I watched Stephanie as best as I could, even though I couldn’t see the area she was working. Stephanie picked up her puncturing tool and held it up as if she were inspecting it, but really she just wanted me to see it. She was enjoying this, I suspect.
Then I felt her fingers on my pussy. I tensed up, knowing what was coming, but I couldn’t get away. She pulled out a pair of gripping tweezers and attached them to my puffy lips on the right side. I mumbled “MMMMMM” as my lips were pulled out and stretched. The next thing I felt was the cold puncturing tool being placed on my stretched lip. Then it happened. She squeezed and even though I could not feel the hole being made, but I knew my skin was being punctured. I tried to scream but only muffled sound came out of my mouth as the first ring was installed. Stephanie was working quickly and it wasn’t long before the second hole was made in my tender pussy and now I had two rings attached to one side. I was sore from the abuse my cunt had taken over the past few days and now it was suffering more. I didn’t want anything near my pussy now, but she continued to work on my cunt. Finishing the right side, she moved to the left side and did the same. When she finished, I had four little golden rings danging from my cunt. She stood back to admire her work and Judy came over to get a closer look.
“Look Ron, we now have a place to attach all kinds of things to her. We can lock her up, but we can also put her on a leash or even put some weights on her.”
My owner laughed as he saw Judy playing with the rings. She pulled on them and twisted them. They were both enjoying the torment they were giving me.
“OK, Judy, time to lock up my little cunt. She’ll never fuck anyone again without permission.”
Judy went to the other room and got the locks that I had picked out in the mall the other day. She showed each of them to me, asking, “Do you like this on or maybe this one?”
I took my head and cried. They were serious about locking up my pussy. I now wished I hadn’t fucked Allen. “What am I going to tell him when we go to lunch again?” I thought to myself.
My owner picked out one stainless steel padlock with solid brass and showed it to me, “Now cunt, you are mine and only mine. Once I put this on you, you will never take a cock in my cunt again, will you?”
Then he reached down between my legs and played with the rings. “Judy, do you think one lock will do? We can put two locks through the two on top and the two on bottom.”
“I think we can put just one through all four rings and she’ll have the lock right in the middle of her hole. I think that will look cute.”
Then he started feeding the loop of the lock through the rings. I felt it going through the rings, knowing I would never be free again.
I dreaded the fact that my cunt would now be locked and the only one that could free me would be my owner, unless I went to someone to get it cut off, but that meant more humiliation for me, exposing my pussy to a stranger and having to explain to them how my cunt got locked up. I knew that once it CLICKED and shut, I would never be free.
My thoughts were interrupted by my owner when he said, “Okay, my little slut. It’s now time to lock you up. I want you to repeat after me.”
I mumbled something that he didn’t understand, so he removed the panties from my mouth and asked, “Do you understand.”
“Good, now this is what you’ll say,” he ordered. “I am a slut, owned by my White Master, and to prove it, my cunt is locked and only my White Master can open it.”
I tried to say it just like him, but the words wouldn’t come out, so he said, “OK, let’s try it again.”
As he said the words again slowly, I repeated after him. He was laughing by the time he finished and just as I had said the last phrase, a very loud “CLICK” could be heard by the three people with me. I heard it and broke out in tears, knowing I would never be free again.
PART 17 continued
“Hurry up and tell him why your cunt is locked up!”
“Bbbbbeeecccaauuse I fucked you!”
“I don’t understand. Why would you have your pussy locked up like that just because we fucked?”
“Tell him, slut!”
“I was told not to fuck anyone without permission, but i was so horny, I fucked you. Now, he has my cunt locked up and won’t release me unless he wants to.”
“You see, Allen, she is my slut whore and will do what I say. But she disobeyed when she allowed you to fuck her. Now, she is locked up so no one can use that juicy Asian cunt except me.”
“Oh,” was all Allen could say.
“Don’t worry about your little girlfriend. She’s in good hands.”
Allen almost ran away, not knowing what was happening, but didn’t really want any part of it.
“Allen!” I cried out in desperation. Without even turning his head, he disappeared. My gut wrenched and I swore to never love again.
In addition to Allen, my master made me show off my locked cunt to several more people, most of whom were strangers, including a cashier at a fast food restaurant, two homeless men, and a group of young hipsters. And every time I had to explain to them why my pussy was locked. I told each of them in exactly those words: “My cunt is locked up because I disobeyed my master. It is his cunt and I fucked someone else, so he locked it up.” Sometimes the man would turn in disgust and walk away. Sometimes they would laugh. And sometimes they would ask to fuck me in the ass, while my pussy ached for release, and my master never allowed me to refuse any sexual advance from any white man. I was made into a cheap Asian whore, just as nature intended. I had lost count of the number of cocks I have sucked or that have been put in my ass, and I had lost count of the amount of cum I’ve swallowed. My life is filled with sadness, suffering and torment and I feel alive once again.
I was a 19 year old 5’1 Asian girl and was at a college party with my bf at the time (also small and Asian). I entertained myself at the start of the party by losing my bf and coyishly flirting with a white frat guy. We were alone in a random bedroom and I got to play dumb when he made a move on me. This was the type of thing I loved doing at parties. I’d get drunk, start to get horny, and grab the muscular arms of taller guys while giggling at their dumb jokes. Then, when they’d make a move, I’d act offended and tell them “I have a bf” etc.
Well… this guy didn’t respond like the others. Instead of walking away dejected like most guys, he cupped me by my pussy underneath my dress and with one arm lifted me up against the wall. OH. MY. GOD. I wasn’t wearing any underwear so his large fingers were right against my pussy. I was so shocked I couldn’t say anything—I just looked up at him and stared. He looked amused as he eyed down my body. Even though my feet were off the ground I was still well below eye level. He leaned in and whispered in my ear. “Don’t worry baby, we’re going to find out how coy you really are. If you’re a good girl and your pussy stays dry while I hold you, then in one minute I’ll let you go. But if you’re the dirty little slut I think you are, and you start to drip over my fingers … well … either way you get what you want.”
Now in my defense, I wasn’t used to such a big height and strength difference with guys. It was overwhelming, scary, and very very hot. Secondly, I was drunk and already borderline “ready to go” from flirting. Finally, I never had seen a guy so confident he was going to get me wet. He just held me there with a smirk on his face like it was the easiest thing in the world. I felt myself gush all over his fingers almost immediately.
He laughed out loud. “That was quick. I guess that’s why you were so quick to ditch your bf and flirt with me. That’s ok baby, I’ll give you what you want. I’ll even let you call me daddy while we do it. That’s what you sluts like, right?”
I was extremely embarrassed and needed him to know I didn’t want it. “If you fuck me I’ll call the cops!!!” I said it loud but knew no one else could hear over the party music.
“In that case baby” He said with a smirk, “Let’s make sure they have video evidence.” He grabbed my phone out of my pocket and held it up to my face to unlock it. He then set it on the nightstand facing us and pressed record.
At this point I was scared but very wet. He was slowly moving his hand rhythmically around my pussy and I had to fight the urge not to gyrate with him.
With his other hand he undid his pants and pulled out his cock. It was the biggest I had ever seen and the shock was all over my face. “Don’t worry baby.” He said taking a glance at the camera. “I’ll be gentle.”
He put both his hands on my hips underneath my dress and placed me right onto his cock. With how wet I was it slipped right in. I immediately let out a loud, humiliating moan. I couldn’t believe myself since I was normally pretty quiet during sex. “Good girl—nice and loud for the camera.”
It was then I realized why he was so comfortable filming me. He knew I was going to look like I was enjoying it. He knew I was going to moan for him just like he knew I would get wet for him.
He started slow like he said he would. I moaned with every thrust. He had pulled his hands away from me so I wrapped my arms around him to keep my back from scraping against the wall. It didn’t hurt like I thought it might. In fact, it felt amazing. I had never felt a dick hitting the back of my pussy before. It had been maybe two minutes since he entered me and I already felt my orgasm starting to build. My legs were shaking uncontrollably, something that only happens to me when I think of this experience.
Out of nowhere he stops thrusting and holds me still on his cock. I had NEVER felt that good before and couldn’t help myself from moving my hips back and forth. He laughed at me again. “If you want to come you’re going to have to beg.” At this point my rational brain was completely gone. I never thought I would beg to come on any cock other than my small Asian bf’s. But here we were.
“Please” I muttered.
“Please daddy let me cum on your cock UGH”
Just the words leaving my mouth brought me right to the edge.
“Louder for the camera,” he said sternly as he started bouncing me on his cock again. He held his hand over my mouth for 30 seconds as he brought me closer. He then moved his hand and told me to beg one more time like I meant it.
“PLEASE DADDY LET ME CUM”
My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I orgasmed harder than I had in my entire life. I squeezed him tight as my legs shook uncontrollably and my pussy came all over his white cock.
I held onto him exhausted as he finished recording on my phone. “Saved for whatever you might need the footage for in the future.” He said with a smirk. I collapsed onto the floor and my phone began to ring. It was my boyfriend. “You better get that.” He said, as he zipped up his pants and left.
I’ve watched the video many times since then and it never fails to get me off. I guess I am the Asian slut he knew I was.
It felt weird, stressful, and anxious, to know that I am going to become old, knowing that I have never had children and that I was not going to be getting married anytime soon. I used to not think about sex at all, but for some strange reason, ever since I hit the age of 30, I have been thinking about sex non stop. I ached for the feeling of a cock inside me, punishing me, hurting me …
I need a cock inside me almost everyday. The various men I have been seeing are not always available. They have their lives, their jobs, and sometimes their wives and families, so I had to remain in contact with over dozens of different men. I tell my parents that I have to work overtime when in fact I went to the various different men’s apartments to suck their cocks.
My mind is a mess right now. I can’t even think straight as I type those words. Even though I work in a bank and I make 100k a year, I still live with my parents. I have never had a boyfriend. But I am not a virgin. This is the sad reality of being an asian girl.
I have had sex with only white men, to make no mistake about it. Some of them are wealthy bankers, some are professors, and some are doctors and engineers. I choose my partner very carefully, but none has been able to connect with me romantically.
I hate my life so much. I don’t know how long I can keep it this way. I want to cry but my eyes are dry. Sometimes I feel I might go crazy.
I hate my dad so much. He is a typical asian man, patriarchal, effeminate, and just plain stupid. Everyday he plays with his phone and watches Asian movies and listen to Asian music. I hate him so much. He ruined my life.
I need a white man to save me. I need a white man to destroy me. I need a white man to put this little chink whore in her place. My life can’t go on like this.
This all happened a long time ago, I don’t live in China anymore. I went super deep down memory lane and wrote a lot, hopefully it isn’t boring. I included headings for the juicy bits if you don’t care about my life story.
I was born and raised in a small Chinese village in the countryside. I had a conservative upbringing, I didn’t lose my virginity until 18 when I was in high school to my first long-term boyfriend. My parents were typical strict rural Chinese parents, they were big on discipline and drilled the “education is everything” mentality into me and that’s how I viewed the world. I wanted to get the best grades and learn English fluently so I could get into the best college so I could get a good paying job. And maybe if I was lucky I would settle down with a nice guy and start a family.
After graduating high school I got into the best university in the country, in Beijing. I got into my second relationship for almost the entire duration of college before we broke up. I graduated at 22 with a great degree, a body count of 2 and an internship lined up at an international bank in Beijing. I had a new sense of sexual confidence from working out and eating right for the past 4 years in college (hello abs and big butt) but being newly single I didn’t have an outlet for my horniness. I did something very naughty by my standards: I bought a vibrator and a dildo. I had always been taught since I was a kid that masturbation was something that only immature boys do, and ”girls shouldn’t masturbate”, so this was kinda a big deal for me.
Aside from being horny most of the time and masturbating often for the first time ever, I was also curious about sleeping with a non-Asian guy. Both of my exes were Chinese. The difference between rural China and the big cities like Beijing is that there are no foreigners in the countryside. We only ever saw white people on TV. Throughout college in Beijing I had secretly found a lot of the foreign students attractive, but of course I had a boyfriend then so I never did anything about it.
The internship went great, I got the job. About 2 months into the job I had a water cooler moment with a white guy I had never met before. There were foreigners on my team but he wasn’t one of them. Turned out he was a new guy who had just arrived from the US a week ago. I would later learn that he was in his late 30s, but he didn’t look his age. I can’t remember exactly how, but we ended up talking about food and what we cooked for dinner, and I offered to go on a grocery shopping trip with him after work and he took me up on it.
We went to the store and we bought a bunch of ingredients. I was telling him how to prepare some of my favorite dishes and he told me he was going to forget everything and it would be easier if I showed him how to make it in person. What the heck, let’s just see where this goes. So we went to his apartment and surprise, he had two flatmates, both white guys. I was apprehensive but they stayed in their rooms and never bothered us. The meal tasted great (obviously, because I was the one who cooked it hehe) and we drank a few glasses of wine on the couch sitting next to each other chatting. As I got drunker and drunker I found myself giggling more at his jokes.
JUICY BIT 1
You can probably tell where this is going so I won’t drag it out any longer. We ended up making out on the couch. I remember his lips, hands and tongue were roaming around my body exploring me, exuding a sense of control I had never experienced from my exes. He had unbuttoned my shirt and unzipped my skirt and was about to eat me out when I suddenly remembered his flatmates.
“Shouldn’t we go into your room?” I whispered.
He carried me into his room and set me down on his bed. He began to expertly explore my pussy with his tongue and fingers. I’ll never forget how it felt. After years of subpar oral from inexperienced boys my age, finally here was a man who knew what he was doing. He unzipped his pants to reveal his cock. It wasn’t massive by any means but it was still the biggest one I’d ever seen in person up to that point. Wordlessly and nervously, I sucked him. I had never given blowjobs to my exes very often, only on special occasions like on their birthday. I remember thinking he tasted different to what I had been expecting. More… manly.
He told me to use my tongue more so I did.
He moaned approvingly, which made me feel good, made me want to please him. As I sucked him I found myself enjoying it a lot more than I thought I would.
He put on a condom and started fucking me from behind. I gasped as he fucked me, his size hurt me a little. He gripped my hips and pounded me, much harder than my exes had ever done in the past. I started to moan too loudly so he put me on my back on the bed and put his hand on my throat and lightly squeezed every time I was too loud. I had never, ever been choked before yet I found it so hot. At one point he choked me a little harder than he had before as he buried himself in me and I came hard, my first ever orgasm. I was still processing how amazing that feeling had been when he pulled the condom off and erupted all over my stomach and tits.
This guy was new and exciting. Over the next month he did things to me I had never experienced before, like getting spanked, choked, having my hair pulled and getting my throat fucked (I almost puked the first time I tried it but I love it now, being throat-fucked is my ULTIMATE kink these days). This was a revelation for me. I never thought I would like being degraded like this but I couldn’t get enough of it. He taught me how he liked having his dick sucked and I would practice on my dildo at home when I had free time. When I played with myself I would relive my feelings of ecstasy from how he used my holes. It was less about him as a person and more about the degrading things he did to me that turned me on. We fucked mostly at his place because it was a lot nearer work and it was more convenient to walk a few short minutes there after work than drive all the way back to my place even though I lived alone. I started chatting to his flatmates more after sex and although it was an open secret that he was fucking me, I never talked about it with his flatmates.
We ended up going to a club together one night, the 3 of them, me and 2 of my girl friends in a big group. At the end of the night, my girl friends left, and I went to the guys’ place because I needed that post-club dick (I didn’t tell my friends that was the reason though). I don’t drink often so I was still quite tipsy when we got back to their place, and my workmate and I started making out on the couch in front of his friends. One of them lifted my miniskirt up and started feeling my ass and the other one scolded him for it, saying not to take advantage of me.
I said it was okay.
JUICY BIT 2
One of the two flatmates was a younger guy, his dick was quite average in size. The other was an older, shorter, chubby dude, his dick was at least an inch bigger than the other guys. I’d estimate 7 inches or so, probably more, and it was thick. I remember feeling equal parts amazed and intimidated by it. They spit-roasted me, taking turns fucking my mouth and pussy. They made me so wet when they talked about me in third person, saying things like (paraphrasing) “she’s such a pretty little thing”, “she takes dick so well”, and the one that turned me on the most, “she’s such a filthy Chinese slut”. As you can imagine Chubby’s dick in particular was painful to take. I was moaning so loudly it’s amazing that the neighbors on our floor didn’t hear us through the walls. My makeup was ruined from my tears streaming down my face and drooling spit from sucking sloppy dick. But I loved it. It was thrilling.
Picture me: a hardworking professional, a college graduate, an obedient straight-A student all my life, a good daughter who still regularly sent my parents money and called to check up on them, and I didn’t even dress slutty or flirt with guys. Yet here were 3 foreigners fucking me like I was some cheap whore, like I was just a set of holes to be used, and I was living for it. I took all 3 loads in my pussy. I don’t recall the first guy even asking if he could cum in me, he just did it and the other two took that as a sign that it was fine. There’s very few moments in life where I felt dirtier than when I was covered in sweat on my hands and knees, freshly fucked with 3 loads of hot gooey cum leaking out of me.
I couldn’t tell anyone, not even my friends. They didn’t even know I was fucking the guy from work, so they would have been mortified if I told them I had been in a gangbang. In China, as with some other conservative countries, there’s more of a shame culture than there is in the west so I’ve pretty much never talked to any of my Chinese friends about any of the slutty things I’ve done, I’m an angel in their eyes.
The guys hadn’t worn condoms so I had to get the pill the day after. I ached afterward and I was horrified when a load of the previous night’s cum oozed out of my pussy without warning while I was at work the next day. I had to clean up in the bathroom. But that night awoke a fire in me. Not only did I crave being used, I frequently found myself daydreaming about being gangbanged again. And oh boy did those daydreams became reality…
I have a LOT more stupid slut stories to tell, some involving those 3 guys, some of other guys I had flings with, and also some random slutty encounters. But this has gotten too long so I’ll leave it here for now.
So that’s the story of how I became a gangbang slut 🙂
Since day one of my sexual activity, as a dedicated Asian slut who has only dated white men, I’ve dutifully swallowed all the cum that’s been deposited in my mouth, and licked up and swallowed all the cum that was smeared somewhere else on my body.
This all started, perhaps, because it’s the way I was “taught” to have sex—when I gave my first blowjob, the white guy, who was a farm boy from the mid-west, said something along the line of “Oh yeah baby. Swallow my cum,” when he was about to orgasm. And so I did. I felt impolite to do otherwise. I did the exact same thing the next several times when we got together. And then we started having sex, and whenever he was about to cum, he would, more often than not, pull out, pull off the condom he was wearing, straddle over my face and jack off into my mouth. Sometimes, when some of it dribbled out to the side of my mouth, he would wipe it to my lips and made me swallow that too.
It just seemed like a natural way to clean up.
And so this practice continued over the course of the new few boyfriends I had. At one point in my life I was with a guy (who was half Italian and half-Irish and worked in New York) who especially liked to cum on my face, my tits and so on, and which made it a little more of a process. One night as I was doing cleanup, he told me how much he loved the way I swallowed all his cum, because all his previous Asian girlfriends had wiped it off with a towel or some facial tissue.
He said he was so turned on every time he had sex with me because he knew when it was over I would swallow all his cum.
I guess I didn’t fully realize until then how much of a turn-on this was for guys, so I leaned into it more, and whenever we were making plans to get together I would say stuff like “I really need your cum tonight, can you come over?” or something to that effect, and he loved it.
And I would beg for his cum while he was fucking me and I would say “Thank you!” after I was done swallowing. It became a real turn on for me as well, so I have pretty much kept on with all that for every white guy I’ve been with since.
Now I’m in my early 30s and sometimes when I masturbate, I visualize all the cum I’ve ever swallowed, collected from all the white guys who’ve fucked me, and their cum are in like a big jug sloshing around, and I feel like a completely worthless yellow cum dump because I’m getting off not on images of white guys or their white cocks or being fucked but just of this big pool of semen from all those white guys.
Physically small, weak, slender, hairless, with perky tits and round ass, an Asian woman like me was built to be a little sex doll for a white man to pound and unload his semen into. Even if you’re not an ephebophile by nature, you will find yourself beginning to think like one as you grow to appreciate my supple, soft, neotenic body next to your hairy and well muscled form, and marvel how nice and easy it is to dominate me in bed and toss me around like a rag doll.
Looking into my cute almond eyes adorned on my silly pankcake moon face, you will read my submissive devotion. The alien-ness of my oriental features, the minimalism of that nose bridge, the femininity of those hairless and scentless limbs—you will feel captivated by me, who belong to this race of women that is so unlike you, yet so eager to tease and pleasure you; and you will become tremendously aroused by this set of circumstances, and you will feel like a king. You will be my emperor.
Mentally, I am inexperienced and naive about the world, naive about leading a feminist lifestyle although I may know its tenets. I am also introverted and shy, naturally intelligent yet submissive, eager to please because you will be my first white man and that means a lot to me, and I am overall very self-conscious of my race and its position in the world.
Literally, my frame of reference is a 5’5″ spiky haired asian nerd with a 4 inch penis. I will be so grateful that you are a 5’8″ white guy with a 5 inch penis that I will practically not see any difference between that and porn star proportions, because all I can discern is that you are huge and packing.
I’m accustomed to scrawny family members and asian friends with bowl cuts, so if you play in a sports league with friends you will seem like a thrilling alpha sports star. If you’re 5’10” I will think you’re a muscle man. if you dress reasonably well, I will feel like a village girl invited to be a princess. If you have blonde hair and blue eyes, I will call you Ryan Gosling in front of my Asian friends as my pussy gushes at the aryan ideal.
Over the years I have been trained to differentiate between the asian and white guys, but not so much between different types of white men, so it’s unlikely for me o run off with another white man for trivial or whimsical reasons. As a chinky outsider, I will be naive to many of your personal flaws. I will have lower standards, and I will be unable to parse the social inadequacies that a white girl would easily pick up on. In sum, you have more slack with me than with any girl you have had previously.
Over time, you will notice, that I notice a difference between asian and white races, but, don’t worry, such comparisons will inevitably run in favor of the white race. As the white boyfriend, you will automatically benefit from the broad generalizing racial judgments that result from these frequent outbursts of neurotic self-hatred.
Just to let you know, your sexy asian girlfriend does have a chip on her shoulder and will vent about race a lot.
Realize that this is mostly to impress you. Pat me on the head and remind me that you are the white guy (not the bad guy). It will keep me content, and grateful.
You can get away with doing degrading things to me because although I put up a front like I’m a feminist and sick of white guys with yellow fever, but in reality I love to take abuse because I believe wholeheartedly in white superiority and feel most poignantly the inferiority of my own race.
Remember, my dear white lord, that this is a girl who has been obsessed with being owned and bred by a superior race of men since she was a 70 lb. middle school girl who had just talked to a white boy for the first time in her life.
I’ve shared these fantasies with my asian female friends, and even announced them around asian guys and adults, with the corollary that a full asian baby would be runty and undesirable and below what I know I deserve.
This is a girl who knows what she wants, and what she wants is your penis in order to have your seed, your seed in order to have a half-white baby, and that baby for the eugenics of her line and the purification of her womb.
I admire you as more than just a man, but as the benefactor of my future children, as the ticket to interracial bliss and my acceptance into a higher, white society.
My white king, an Asian woman has been conditioned to love the white man, to be caring and nurturing and supportive of the white man, to make him happy and satisfy his needs no matter what. By dating a white man, she is proudly rejecting her own race, and this is wonderfully good for you.
It eliminates or smooths over usual lines of conflict. Now you have something that binds me to you forever, that transcends petty squabbles and usual couples’ issues. It frames our relationship in a grander context and gives it a special narrative. The narrative is that I am fleeing my oppressive native culture, hounded by hateful asian men who feel entitled to enslave me, and you are my white knight savior who has dedicated his time to making everything right. This legitimatizes your feelings of lust when you’re pounding me in the ass and I’m squealing like a hello kitty toy. This makes you feel bigger and stronger than you normally would when manhandling a petite girl whose utmost desire is to please you. This makes you feel good about yourself, my white god, righteous even, and entitles you to make derisive statements about a whole group of people that you have long felt to be beneath your kind—asians.
Because you know, you know what it means to save a precious asian girl from that sinister race, and you know how it feels to sweep her up in your strong white arms as she mews appreciatively about your bravado and how different you are from every asian guy she’s met.
My White God, I’m here to indulge you in your asian fantasies with theroic twist and make your penis feel so BIG.
Date an Asian woman, my white king. Life’s too short to live any other way.
During one of her many, and frequent arguments with her wimpish Chinese husband, she wailed and screamed that she would sell one of her kidneys so they would have money and not to live this egregious life of abject poverty and humiliating captivity.
In order to make money, according to her friends, she never refused any customer and often did everything to please them just for some extra cash. And yet, contrary to what the reader might think, she did not receive any gratitude for her hard work; she and her husband frequently bickered, and constantly fought, violently, viciously, and eventually, fatally. In fact, her husband had become involved romantically and sexually with one of her coworkers, another Chinese prostitute, and his justification was that, “Since you are having sex with many strangers every night, what’s with me having sex with one of your coworkers?”
During one of their many, many vicious arguments, she started to lose control and yelled at him with his real name, the name associated with a murder case seven years ago; and, frightened, and losing his own mind, he choked her and did not let go until she stopped breathing. Afterward, in order to cover up his crime, he had cut off her entire face so the police would not be able to recognize her.
The murder that had happened seven years ago was the reason she fell in love with her husband. She was 18 years old at the time, and, due to her beauty, she was harassed by several gangsters. The man who was to become her husband saw what was happening, and decided to get involved. During the ensuing fracas, he used a knife and stabbed one of the gangsters to death.
They fled and, enamored by his heroism, she lost her virginity to him. Together they started a life on the run, using aliases, hiding from broad daylight and only coming out to scavenge for money and food at night. Like rats they lived at the very bottom of the brutal and inhumane Chinese society, frightened, ostracized, estranged from home.
They have a daughter together, and that daughter was sent back to live with her grandparents. Her husband has another son with her coworker, and it was his relationship with her coworker that pushed her to the edge.
She became fiercely jealous of his womanizing, and his betrayal. He became extremely resentful of her being a prostitute. “Your cunt has been used by so many strangers. Your mouth reeks of cum. You cum slut. You cum dump. You disgusting whore.”
She had many opportunities to leave him. She was not a murderer. At most, she was complicit in his crime. And because of her extraordinary beauty, she had been offered to become the wife of many of her customers, and many times, even foreign men from western countries offered to take her out of China, and yet she refused. “So you prefer to live like a sex slave?” They asked her, and she nodded, for love. She only thought of her husband when customers gnarled her breasts with their teeth, and stretched her cunt which once, she promised, only belonged to her husband.
“Many of the foreign men have very large penises. Having sex with them feels like losing my virginity every time.” She complained. “My husband won’t even touch me anymore. He says my vagina is too loose. He only has sex with Feng (her coworker with whom her husband has a son). But I need the money. My husband needs the money. He killed a man for me. My love for him is forever. The only way I will leave him is if he kill me.”