Being a BWC slut is who I am now, or what is left of me. A broken, empty set of holes always burning with hunger for white men and their penises. 

The haunting void left behind by white men gets worse now. 

Some nights it engulfs me and tries to swallow me whole. Confessing my pain, my sinful lust for abuse and my concupiscence for degradation is the only way I can feel anything at all. It makes my mind go blank and allows me to drift into a serene, nameless happy bliss of ease. Some other times it makes me feel weightless, like a slowly ebbing and flowing stream rhythmically receding from the bank. 

It also makes me feel so naked. And so shameful. As if a thousand eyes were on me as they probe and prod into my life, digging and gnawing for more sordid details of my descent into depravity. Thrusting into me, yearning to do even more depraved things as they stretcher deeper and deeper into my flesh, my soul, more than what I’m permitting them. 

I don’t like this. I don’t want to be this broken, marked as if by monsters. I hear their words. Memories of their actions course through me. I will never be able to get away. 

I wish I was once again an Asian virgin, the virginal Asian girl who never knew the meaning of BWC, bareback gangbang, SM, double penetration, spitroasting, cum swallowing, piss drinking, etc. I feel disgusted with myself just now, knowing that all my holes have been filled to the brim with white meb’s cum.

I miss the innocent me. I miss the 18 year old me. 

I feel so estranged and unacquainted with who I am now. I miss feeling pure again. This doesn’t feel good. 

But it’s still better than nothing at all.