For the last few years, my life, though comfortable and affluent, has been very boring and lonely. Everyday I go to work, come home, watch TV, read books, and wait for my boyfriend to call me. On weekends and holidays I spent time with my boyfriend at his place. No, we don’t live together because he works in Boston and I work in New York. On the outside I still want my boyfriend to think of me as a very traditional, reserved type of girl, and I had never told him that I used to work as a prostitute in Japan because I feel he simply wouldn’t be able to accept that. It was not actual prostitution and more like escort. I don’t know how to explain it but a lot girls in Japan do it. I have quite a few girlfriends who are now doing porn or nude modeling and sometimes I envy them, because it looks like so much fun. I consider myself a very attractive woman and I feel my beauty is been wasted away if no one appreciates my beauty. But, on the other hand, I don’t want to be like that. There’s this part of my brain that wants me to be traditional, because I grew up in a very broken family and I didn’t like it a bit. I want a stable relationship, a traditional relationship but I guess that has become rarer than endangered species. And there’s this thing about my boyfriend’s always wanting to wear a condom even when I tell him he doesn’t have to wear one. He’s extremely afraid of getting me pregnant. One time I almost blurted out about my past experience as a prostitute; I almost said: “Even when I was working as a prostitute in Japan my customers didn’t wear condoms.” I didn’t really say that but I felt the words were at the back of my throat. Not using a condom feels a lot more natural and more comfortable. My sex life with my boyfriend isn’t even better than when I was a prostitute. I kept on calling myself a prostitute because I don’t know what the exact English word is for what I did. It’s actually not considered prostitution in Japan and though it can lead to sex. A lot Japanese girls do it and it’s really not that big a deal.
And then there’s the fact that I simply hided a lot things from him. He never knew I had a sister who committed suicide when I was a teenager. If I told him that, again, I just don’t know how he would react. Maybe he would think I need to see a psychologist. I feel the problem is really cultural, because so many people commit suicide in Japan it’s really not that uncommon to find a relative hang dead inside a closet or from a ceiling. When I say in English, it sounds so strange.
I mean, he is very keen on asian culture, but what he understands as asian culture is really like Chinese food in America; his understanding of asian culture, or Japanese culture for that matter, is his Americanized, abridged version of asian culture and so he doesn’t really understand me. I see a lot of interracial couples in New York but I actually don’t know any of them personally and I don’t really know how they deal with cultural issues. Sometimes I have this sneaky suspicion that a lot of them are mentally ill because they actually seem to resent one another and their relationship is based more on hatred than love. My relationship with my boyfriend is more sincere, I feel, because we are both highly educated and we are about the same age. Well he is actually ten years older than me but that’s really not that much an age difference. It’s probably the first time I have spoken seriously on my personal relationship for a long time because I have been feeling really terrible for the entire last year. My mom kept on harassing me, calling me and telling me that I should marry a white man and I am really starting to resent her attitude. So she thinks she can decide who I should date. Maybe I will date a black man just to piss her off. Though I am definitely never ever going to date an asian man. And I was just kidding about dating black man.
The reason I only date white men is partially because of my dad: because my dad knows what it means to be white and he really wants me to be with a white man. He says that that is the only way I will ever be accepted into the American society. He really loved me and he said the only way I will ever become an American is by dating a white guy. He was once a student at an American college and he told me he knew what it’s like being asian in America and he doesn’t want me to have that experience, and the only way that I am guaranteed a comfortable life is to date a white man. And he told me to never ever date any asian man in America: no Korean, Japanese, Chinese, none of them. He said those asian men in American are unheimlich freaks. They might look asian on the outside, but they have no idea what being asian even means, because to us, Japanese, the word asian doesn’t mean anything. It’s an invention, by the Americans. No Japanese would ever go out one day and call herself an asian. It’s just an invention, by those stupid Americans. My dad really loved me and he told me I must only date white men “so you can bear wimpish children for them and they will become weak and slavish, and only then the Japanese have a fighting chance to revenge against the Americans.” It was, he said, the grand strategy of Japan. And I must learn to not only humble, but to humiliate, myself before Americans, so they can become arrogant and self-satisfied. That’s really what my dad told me. I don’t know if it sounds absurd but that’s what he said. Well, in addition to his advice, I have my own reasons for only dating White men.
On the other hand, I have always resented my mother. I feel all my problems were caused by her. She ruined my life and she killed my sister and just recently she brought into the world yet another baby girl with her new husband and I am so ascertain that she is going to kill her as well.
Sometimes I just wished I had a really close friend with whom I can share the most sordid details of my life and tell him or her—most likely a him because I don’t trust girls, girls gossip too much—all the secrets I have been hiding under my bed. The cruel fact of the matter is:—I don’t have any friend. I have mere acquaintances, girls who I go out with once in a month, colleagues whom I see in the hallway and I nod and smile and pass them by, friends on facebook that I haven’t talked to in five years or more. I don’t really have any friend except for my boyfriend, and I am so lonely. Sometimes I wish I can have a friend with whom I can get drunk and tell him or her “god I really hate Chinese people” or “those niggers are so ugly.” I feel so repressed I wish I can speak freely.
Although I am half-Chinese myself, I can tell you very honestly that I don’t really like Chinese people. I like Japanese a lot better than Chinese. Maybe it has to do with my dad. Here’s the thing about my dad. My dad is really not a bad person. He is always so gentle to me, and he has been very loving to me ever since I was a little girl. I know what he did to my mom but, and I know you wouldn’t believe me if I say it, my mom was playing the victim card, has been and still is playing the victim card. The entire Chines race has been playing the victim card and they are so arrogant and really just stupid. If anything, my dad is the victim. She knew full well how sadistic my father was and she was fully consensual in all that happened to her. She just wanted my dad’s money. That was all she wanted. And yet she brought me into this world, and she thinks I can be her money whore as well. She thinks I can bring her status in front of her relatives because I am mixed blood and I looked white-ish but in private she is so cruel to me. She never loved me. My dad, on the other hand, really loved me.
Chinese in general are evil and extremely arrogant. That’s what my life experience tells me, through my personal experience with them in America, in China, and in Japan.
At work I never tell anyone about my Chinese heritage. I only use my father’s last name so everyone only knows that I am Japanese and sometimes I get mistaken for being Russian or European.
There’s this really funny thing about my boyfriend is that he’s completely smooth everywhere. It doesn’t turn me on at all. I can’t bear a man having no body hair but he loves it! It’s disgusting to me but he loves it. And he loves anal sex which I am just not that fond of. I love bondage and I let him tie me up but he doesn’t seem that interested. And there’s really no intensity to it. The whole thing seems so fake. I am not really kidnapped or being tied up like a sex slave. It’s all make-belief like little kids playing silly games. There is no real excitement in my life and there’s no romance, no knights charging castles, no damsels in distress, no human-devouring monsters. There is just the dull throbbing numbing pain in your ass like after your boyfriend forced you to have anal sex.
Which is another thing I don’t get about Americans. Why do they like anal sex so much? Everyone seems obsessed with anal sex. Why did God give a woman the vagina if you are not going to use it? I mean, I am okay with anal sex, but I never really understood why.
So we have been together for three years now and he is still not telling me when we are going to get married. He absolutely loves Japanese women and he really loves me as well. His father is re-married to a Japanese woman and he said his father told him that marrying a Japanese woman is the best thing in the world. And he shows me off to all his friends, relatives, and coworkers, telling them how lucky he is, how beautiful I am, and how wonderful I am in bed. Even though I never enjoyed any of the sexual acts he did to me, I always did everything he asked me to and I thought I faked my orgasms pretty well. I never even complained when he went on business trips to Asia and I knew he was cheating on me with other asian women but I never even cared because those asian women are probably not as pretty as I am. He always lies to me telling me that he’s been completely royal to me but I know when he lies. I just choose to pretend to believe him. And he doesn’t know any of my secrets. He doesn’t know about my family history. He thinks I am a very traditional pure bred Japanese woman.
So I am just wondering when the engagement is going to come.