When I was about to come to America to study, my mother told me to actively look for “good white boys who will be nice to you”. She was a firm believer in the superiority of white men because she had been so disappointed by all the asian men. My biological father, still living in Japan, was strangely similarly adamant that I should be looking for a white man to marry. He always wished he were white himself and he said he wanted to see me bear him a white grandson. I have no connection with my father’s new wife. On my mother’s side, my stepfather, who is white and live in China although I have never really liked him—when he learned I was about to go to America—encouraged me to find myself a nice white American man. Sometimes I feel I carry the hope of my entire family with me and I would disappoint all of them if I fail to find a white man to marry.
It was even more than that. I carry with me the fate of an entire race that wants me to mix my inferior asian genes with the white genes so I can produce mixed children. This way, they think, the white men will become weak and slavish just like asians. Sometimes I am very conflicted as well. There is the theory among Chinese that once White people become mixed with genetically inferior asians, they would be less aggressive and more submissive just like asian men. The Chinese did that to the Manchus and Mongolians, so they think they can do the same to White men.
Sometimes I feel ashamed of myself because I seem like a trap. I don’t want White men to become asian men, but I also realize that by mixing blood with me they will become weak, effeminate, just like asian men. Is it wrong for those devious Orientals to do that, to plot against White men like my parents did? Perhaps after all they merely wanted me to have a better life than they did. Though they know deep inside their conscience that the asian race is inferior to the white race (to my mom and dad the white men are like gods on white stallions wielding the sword of justice and vengeance), they still wanted their daughter to be with white men just so she can have more face, and to be protected by white men, to be loved and cherished. Is it wrong for them to think this way?
Sometimes I feel I might crumble under all this pressure. I feel I am so alone in this world, so isolated, so alienated, so powerless to fight all the constant expectations and formless assaults of the mind. I only wish a White man would have simply kidnapped me, ravished me, and kept me as his asian sex slave, so I can fulfill both my duty of giving birth to White babies, and satisfy my parents’ wish of being betrothed to a White man. It would have been simpler in ancient times, but now we have freedom … the freedom to be split in half under the constant stress and maddening loneliness, the freedom to be direction-less, hopeless, meaningless in a vast empty universe of which one feels like a stranger to the whole universe.