The last last words: My brief stint in the Japanese Adult Video industry

Dear Sister:

Working for the Japanese Adult Video (JAV) industry in Japan has become a rite to passage for a Japanese girl to become a woman; just about every girl pretty enough will end up doing one thing or another related to the industry. JAV industry is the only industry that is actually still growing in Japan, everything else decrepitude of economic stagnation.

There are a lot of JAV recruiters out there, just about on every street corner in Japan. They are constantly on the look out for pretty young females and without any courtship they would just approach us and ask us if we would like to do AV. They are like predators lurking around everywhere. They hang around high schools, colleges, shopping malls; they are everywhere and you can’t miss them. If you are young and pretty enough in Japan, you have most likely been accosted by them at least once.

I didn’t get along with our parents very well while growing up. The constant cold stare, the resentment building inside, the silent treatment. I wanted to become financially independent as soon as possible. I wished someone could take me away. I wanted out!—out of this horrible misery just as much as you were. Back then you were still too young, so I kept you from a lot of things that I thought might hurt you. At the time I was working part time in a fetish Chinese restaurant in the red light district. It was just a regular Chinese restaurant except all the waitresses wore mini skirt Chinese dress. There were nothing “fetish” to it; it was much cleaner than, say, no pan shabu shabu, or some other venues.

Despite the fact that it was a Chinese restaurant, it was actually owned by Japanese, but all the waitresses were Chinese, half of them were international students from China, a few from Taiwan, the other half were married to Japanese men. The wages weren’t so good. Even when customers tipped us, the owner collected the tips and kept to himself. And the waitresses were afraid to challenge him because many of them were working illegally. And there was no exception for me either. In Japan, if you are half-Japanese, then you are not really Japanese. At first I tried to work at a restaurant catering exclusively to Japanese clients, but after one look at my name they rejected me on the ground that I was not pure Japanese. Sometimes I wondered what the hell was wrong with our mother thinking that she could find a better life in Japan. I wondered if I could have turned out a little more normal if I was born poor in a third world country. At least then I could offer to suck Japanese men’s cocks with more dignity. So I decided to try out my luck with the AV industry.

The first time I went to a porn studio:

Once we were there at the designated place, I filed in an application with my name, address, age, as well as shoe size, bra size, waist size, sexual history, etc. They also asked what I was willing to do: oral sex, anal sex, bondage, threesome, water sports etc. The list goes about 8 to 10 pages. All the girls wore only bikinis inside the building while the staffs wore business suits. One curiosity in the building that caught my attention the most was the weighing scale. The scale was under the floor and they would tell me to stand over to the corner; once you stood over there, your weight and height would all be shown electronically on their tables, and no one would even see it. The first time I did it I didn’t even realize what just happened. There were so many very pretty girls along with me and they all went through the same process like I did. It was interesting because JAV industry was probably the only industry that does not discriminate against foreigners in Japan (actually several major AV studios still do not allow foreign women but most do). There were a lot Korean and Chinese women there. Of course some of them are like me, half-Japanese, almost always the product of a Japanese father and a Chinese or Korean mother; but most of them were international students or were here on work visas.

It’s always strange to me to admit that as a woman I know more about porn than a guy, because I was once involved in pornographic productions. It feels weird, unusual, but most importantly, it makes me feel very embarrassed, like being a whore but worse. It’s even worse than being a whore. At least a whore only had intercourse with a client, but a JAV actress in Japan rarely, if ever, only has intercourse. Another thing I heard is Western guys complaining how “fake” JAV productions are. In almost every scene the girls seem to be squealing and it looks as if she is being forced to make those movies. She doesn’t seem to enjoy herself at all. Then they give this bogus theory that it’s because of Japanese culture: a Japanese woman is not supposed to enjoy sex, blah blah blah. Well, there’s this seedy side of JAV industry that you would probably have a very difficult time believing. If it looks like rape in the movie, then it probably was rape during the shoot. In Japanese AV, once you have agreed to shoot a scene, no matter how painful or how uncomfortable you are, you must, under contract, finish the shoot, or else the producers will cross out your name and no one in the whole industry will ever employ you again. It will be like you were dead.

For the first few times I was involved in a bondage production, but not as a star. I was a “penis warmer” because I had only agreed to oral sex and that wasn’t good enough to be a main actress. I was kneeling in the back of the room sucking on the penises of the male actors just before they were ready to go on the stage. I felt very strange at first. There is another beautiful woman, naked and vulnerable, suspended or otherwise tied up, in the next room, and yet they cannot get hard just by looking at her. In stead they needed me to gently gratify them until they get hard and only then they can go to the next room to have sex with the bound actress. Sex industry, it turns out, is just another business, another daily boring job that has no escape. Many of those men were high school dropouts and if they were not working in the porn industry, they would have joined the Yazuka selling drugs or trafficking prostitutes. Those women’s appearance and sexuality made no difference to those male actors. To them, we all looked the same, no matter how pretty or how ugly. It was unbelievable right?

Although I was not a star in those movies, I was very engrossed by what I saw. Those actresses looked so beautiful, so feminine in their bondage, and sometimes I fantasized being in their situations myself, though for a long time I didn’t have the courage to admit. After a few months I decided to try out at another studio and this time I wanted to be the actress on stage and had agreed to more deviant sexual behaviors. Since I spoke Chinese, the producers said that I should be a different character than myself. They asked me to pretend to be a Chinese international student, and speak some Chinese in the movie. Just like westerners, Japanese men like exotic women, women from foreign countries, so they said that way the movie would sell better. It was my first time to break into hardcore porn and it was brutal. First they asked me how to say some words in Chinese, and I introduced myself as a Chinese student. Then they started to undress me, and then one actor pissed in my face, and several guys took turns having sex with me. I didn’t feel anything at all. After the sex scene my whole body felt bruised. I still don’t know if I enjoyed it at all. It was like a test given to me by God and to test my faith in him; I did not feel any sexual satisfaction from that experience.

The first few times were very simple shoots compared to the third one.  The third time I was called up by an agent to shoot a very light nude scene with no sex involved and they said I would make 1 million yen.  It sounded a little too good to be true and it turned out exactly that way.  When I arrived at the parking lot, immediately several men rushed out of the building and started to strip my clothes off.  I didn’t understand why they can’t wait until I was inside the building.  They stripped me naked right there in the parking lot, with one guy holding all my clothes in his hands, and they carried me inside all the while slapping me and chafing my nipples and my private part. Once inside I was immediately thrown onto a dirty mattress and forced to have sex with the producer.  I tried to reason with them telling them that I thought there was no sex scene, but they simply laughed at me and started screaming at me for being so stupid.  We paid you so much money just to shoot you naked?  Who do you think you are, a goddess?  You are not pretty.  You are just an ugly and nasty whore.  As the producer was having sex with me, the make up artist was simultaneously applying make up on my face.  But I was crying and as he pumped in and out of me I was moving up and down on the mattress.  Needless to say, it was an impossible task but the make up artist did put some blush and lip stick on me anyway.  Maybe you don’t know this, but in Japan no one ever uses condoms, not even in porn.  That’s one reason why Japanese prostitutes are only allowed to serve Japanese men; because we believe foreigners might bring STDs; most Japanese prostitutes don’t use condoms either.  The only way for a girl to avoid pregnancy is to calculate her period or to take morning after pills or birth control pills.  I didn’t expect to have sex so I didn’t take any birth control pills beforehand, so again I told them that I was not on pills, but they ignored me and the producer ejaculated inside me anyway.  “So what if you get pregnant?  It’s none of our business.  You are a dirty public toilet and your parents are ashamed of you. “

After the producer had ejaculated inside me, a dozen of his men started to gang rape me.  I was furious and I tried to bite them and kick them, but then a guy with a bamboo stick came out and started to strike me.  “If you don’t want to get killed, you better be obedient.”  All the while I was being videotaped.  They wanted to make the movie as a real rape movie; only later on I learned that this studio had been doing this for a long time, recruiting actresses who were unaware of what they are getting into and then raping them.  I was gang raped over three times in a four hour period.

After the first time, they dragged me into the rest room and made me lick the toilet bowl.  They told me all the AV actresses had to do it at some point in their career; I might as well do it now. They pushed my head into a bath tub full of very hot water I thought they were going to boil me alive. They kept pushing my head into the water I swallowed several gulps of water and my ears were full of water I couldn’t hear I thought I was deaf.  I beat my head like mad trying to get the water out of my head because I thought I couldn’t hear anymore.  After the first gang rape and the “shower”, they told me if I am obedient there is just one more scene and they will let me go.  I was in hell for the last hour so I believed them I very gently sucked their penises and cooperated with them and let them fuck me and ejaculate inside me.  All the men had ejaculated inside me by then and I knew I had to take morning after pills immediately afterward.  Sure, I was worried about STDs as well, but I was more worried about pregnancy than catching some diseases. When finally they were all finished, they told me I could go home now, I was so glad it was over I thanked everyone and started to dress.  They even showed me the cash they were going to pay me.  Though I was furious, businesses was business, and in this business honor and respect for the studio were more important than anything so I had to be reasonable. But it wasn’t over.  Just as I was walking into the parking lot, another group of men, yes, a different group, mugged me and carried me back into the building and they started to rape me again.  And this time they were even more brutal.  They were more violent and one guy with a hammer hit me over my head when I cried out for help. They tied me to a cross and the guy with the hammer started to break furniture next to me.  Some of the wood splinters even sputtered on my body and I screamed I tried to tell them there was wood splinter in my flesh but none of them seemed to care.  I had been whipped by my father before, and I have been whipped by my boyfriend in high school, but the whipping that ensued after was the most painful time I had ever experienced.  The first few hits I could endure.  I didn’t even scream, but they kept on whipping me at the same spot it was unbearable.  The guy with the whip was trying to make me scream and yes, they were still videotaping everything.  They wanted to make it seem as realistic as possible: the rape, the torture, everything. They succeeded in making it as real as possible, because it was real; it was certainly real for me.  After they finished whipping me, they dragged me to the roof of the building.  It was below zero degrees and I was completely naked. They tied me to a wooden post and started to pour cold water on me.  My whole body was shaking from the cold.  They poured cold water all over my body and then they would beat me again with sticks and whips.  After that they dragged me off the roof and gang raped me again.  It was getting dark outside so it must have been over several hours but they weren’t finished; all of them fucked me and again ejaculated inside me.  I had lost count of the number of men who had ejaculated inside my anus and vagina—must have been over 20. Then they tied me up again with my arms behind my back and my legs tied together.  And then they started to force feed me alcohol.  I started to black out and was in and out of consciousness.  They carried me down the basement and put me into a glass container.  There was a very big and strong woman standing on top of me, and I asked her what they were doing.  I was hogtied facing up inside a large glass container like a glass coffin, and on top of the container was two wooden boards lying horizontally over.  The woman was standing on the wooden board.  I saw the camera man approaching and I asked him what was going on but he was just holding the camera and continued to shoot.  When I saw the woman turning backward and her ass was pointing at my face I began to realize what was going to happen, but I still couldn’t believe it because I literally never signed up for this.  The effect of the alcohol was starting to kick in and I was losing grip of consciousness.  Then a slew of feces started to land on my face and at that realization I started to sob uncontrollably.  Several women and men took turns defecating on me.  My face, my upper body, my hair, my eyes, my nose and ears were all covered with feces.  My feet and hands were tied behind my back and there was no way for me to move away. I knew this type of thing had been done before in JAV, but I never imagined that this was happening to me.  The most disgusting thing I ever saw—was when several of the men took a handful of feces from the container I was lying in and put the feces into their own mouths.  They told me it was very delicious and urged me to do the same.  Two of them got on top of the glass container, took away the wooden board and forced a funnel into my mouth.  One of them held the funnel in my mouth and another guy slowly started to dump feces mixed with urine into the funnel. I could never even imagine myself eating my own feces; now I was forced to eat the feces and urines of a hundred strangers.  I had swallowed so much feces my stomach was starting to become bloated.  The sensation that other people’s feces was now in my stomach made me want to die. When they finally took me out of the glass container I felt like being lifted out of hell and when I recovered my strength a little and regaining more consciousness I found myself lying naked in a plastic-wrapped mattress.  Then they gave me my money and told me to go home.  I felt maybe it was all a dream but then I looked over my body and saw all the bruises I realized it was not a dream.  I was vomiting non stop for several days and my vomit looked like a brownish liquor, so I know it really happened.  The producers also gave me the number of a doctor to call in case I have symptoms of infections as well as antibiotics to take.  I went to see the doctor they told me to see and he said that “consumption of feces is not hazardous to your overall health and some animals regularly consume feces.” The studio made my ordeal into an AV and it was released into the market, advertised as “4 hour real non consensual rape, scat, vaginal destruction”.  I never had the courage to watch my own movie, but I made enough money to move out on my own. 

After that time I would never want to do another AV shoot anymore.  I was thoroughly traumatized I just wanted to die.  I was also fascinated by how many AV actresses in Japan were subjected to the same treatment I had.  I did some research on my own, asking my acquaintances, finding out more about the studios, etc.  The big name actresses rarely got treated like I was. Most of the time it was the novice actresses, or the foreign Asian women who were treated like this.  I had always wanted to believe I was Japanese, but I was half Japanese; and a half Japanese was still considered as a non-Japanese. It didn’t make any difference. I saw several productions in which the women seem to have been genuinely raped and I couldn’t even bare to look at it. And I also started to realize that there were a lot more Chinese women like me in the JAV industry than I had ever realized before. Most of them were not the big named JAV actresses with lots of glamour; most of them remained nameless and thankless in their valiant effort to bring sick pleasure to their audience. But at least we made money, and money was our only form of comfort.

I love you forever.

Your sister

Author: jennifer suzuki

I have been a very confused—some might say very conflicted—girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making. I was born in Japan, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother or my grandmother was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York. I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so, sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am. Physically I look more European than asian. My father is of mixed heritage—he has white blond hair, but he also has some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that really bothered me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of asians. My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to him naked on her knees or being tied to an utility pole only in her panties during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she had found a man who understood her desires and could give them to her. My dad studied and worked in America before, and during that period he desperately wanted to marry a white woman, and vehemently pursued several white women, but was unsuccessful. At the same time Japanese women were unwilling to marry him. Maybe because just like him they were looking to marry into the white race, or maybe because he had sadistic tendencies. Out of options he settled to look for a Chinese woman. Statistically, marriages between Chinese women and Japanese men have been quite common, and I personally knew quite a few couples just like my mother and father. Even here in America I knew several Chinese women who had Japanese boyfriends and those women were actually quite proud of having superior Japanese men as boyfriends. Japanese in general look much more European compared to other asians and I suspect it was the putative European appearance that attracts other asian women. Of course Japanese are not Europeans, no matter how much we try to become European, just as Jews will never be fully accepted as White Christians. I think Jews and Japanese have a lot in common. We were both persecuted by Europeans, the Jews by Germans, and Japanese by Americans, yet we both come to love our white Masters. Jews weren't officially considered white until very recently, and I think as time progresses eventually Japanese will be categorized as white in the future, though Jews and Japanese will always know that they are still inferior to their Nordic Masters. But as always the Jews will be Masters over the Arabs and the Japanese will be Masters over the rest of Asia. There is no other meaning to life, other than the degree of domination. I had an older sister who looked fully asian, as opposed to me who looked much more European. And ever since childhood I have always known for a fact that I was treated better by everyone else because of my distinctly European appearance. In school classmates would be hesitant to tease me because they always thought my father might be an American or an European man even though they knew my mother was Chinese but somehow they still were afraid of me solely because of my European appearance. The thing was that in Japanese naming system, my mother's last name automatically gets attached to mine, so for example, my name in Japanese would actually be "Suzuki Liu Jennifer", because my mother's maiden name is Liu; this way everyone would instantly know my mother is Chinese. On the other hand my sister was bullied almost everyday by upper classmates because she looked very Chinese. They made fun of her hair and clothes and told her that she looked like a Chinese pig and I had seen boys pulling down her pants and laughing at her for having a "Chinese vagina". I was a very young girl back then and I felt ashamed of having her as a sister so in school I didn't talk to her at all. When I was 12 years old, she committed suicide by hanging herself in her closet. I know this because I was the one who discovered her body. My parents would have never told me about her death if I did not saw her dead body by myself. And ever since her death a dark cloud formed over my head and throughout my teenager years I was constantly harrowed by thoughts of suicide. It was not until I was much older that I learned suicide is infectious and that had been why I was constantly thinking about suicide. The realization made me try not to think too much about death, but no matter how much I try I can never get her image out of my head. Sometimes I feel she still haunts me because I didn't talk to her in school. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I went to live with my mom in China for two years. Contrary to popular beliefs, I had never experienced any form of racism or discrimination against me when I was living in China. Most people assumed that I was an European girl and the aura of being European seemed to make me inapproachable, like the shield of Athena covering me from head to toe. Even when I was in school, when classmates would know my father was Japanese because of my last name, I had never really felt any discrimination, though I did feel they were kind of afraid of me. I had never realized how much being White meant until I was in America: the symbol of power, domination, and superiority that being White implies. Being White is being the entelechy of all that is beautiful, good and righteous. Which is strange because my nationality still is, in actuality, Japanese and as I grew older I started to look more asian. My hair has gotten completely dark and my looks started to resemble my mother's. I used to have very light-colored hair, but I just felt fortunate that I do not look fully asian like my sister was. When I saw this image [of a naked asian woman kneeling next to a black furred dog] in a Japanese SM magazine a few days ago, all of a sudden I remembered seeing my mother in a similar position when I was maybe just 5 or 6 years old. It was not a pleasant experience; it was an extremely scary and traumatic experience, and growing up I heard constant moaning and muffled screams coming from my parents' bedroom. Every evening was a nightmare to fall asleep. But knowing that many asian women were treated the same way as my mother had been treated somehow made me feel better about my own family. At least my parents were not as weird as they seemed, and while growing up I had gradually come to realize that many asian girls have the same masochistic tendencies as I do, but many were just very shy and wouldn't admit their secrets. So it seems there are many masochistic asian women out there who thrives on been humiliated and degraded just like the girl in this image; I don't know why but this image made me feel kind of normal. I have lived in the States for nearly ten years now and I have not talked to my parents, who had divorced, for several years, especially to my mother whom I had some very severe arguments with over the years, especially when she remarried after she went back to China. I was more fond of my father though I haven't really talked to him that much either because he too had remarried. Despite all the mean things I had said about my dad, he was always very gentle with me and never beat me. He beat my sister and my mother but never me and I suspect he was much more gentle with me because of my more European looks. I felt their divorce was a punishment for me, as if they had abandoned me and I never felt comfortable with either of them or their new spouses, whether it be in China or in Japan. My mother's new husband was a very cruel and domineering white man living in China and he never treated me with the same special treatment I received from my dad. And I remember one time when I went out with him people on the street mistook me for his wife and I felt so disgusted I never wanted to go out with him again and then he would yell at me and yell at my mom. I am glad to have gotten out of there. And my dad ... well let's just say I couldn't bear to coexist with his new wife either. The last time we talked was already 3 years ago. This image had brought back so many long forgotten yearnings. I miss my sister and my parents. The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears. Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put. My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you. A family dog Growing up, I always felt lonely. My family dog was my only companion. He was a slightly larger than a medium sized dog, with grey and dark fur, and a nozzle that resembled a wolf. He was so cute, so adorable, and he was my only friend. I often played with him in my desperate attempts to communicate with another living being, like Madame Bovary sitting by her fire place in a melancholic longing for escape. I want out!, out of this nonchalant prison of thoughts, out of this cruel alienated society, out of these mind forged manacles whose clanking I hear like looming madness; the marks of domestication on their faces, marks of psychological slavery, marks of intellectual death; they are mere automatons, inanimate objects, so lifeless like straw men, hollow men, stuffed men. I can't bare to look at those miserable beings' faces. In a domesticated dog I see more humanity than the entire humanity. If only my family dog can take me away! And I will elope with him to a happy place, where there is no more sorrow, no more dread, no more cold metallic prison walls of the mind. My family dog was my only friend, and he was my only confidante. To him I entrusted all my deepest secrets. Sometimes I wished I was a dog: no more worries, no more sadness, no more consciousness, no more thoughts, just the need to satisfy my most basic instincts, lying by my owner's feet, worshiping him and completely dependent on him. Sometimes I wish I could have another dog just like the family dog I used to have in Japan. And he will be my husband. I will belong to him. I will be his bitch. I will obey him, crawl under his belly, gently caress his furs with my soft hands, and please him like I would please my husband. And he will be my beast and I will be his beauty. Albeit he will be a gentle beast, always so obedient to me, and yet always so much more aggressive, and animalistic; he will protect me from harm, with his sharp fangs and naturally endowed muscles for chasing down his prey; and yet he will honor me and obey me like a lover would. He will never be jealous, never be angry, as long as he is fed and watered. He will be my best friend. View all posts by jennifer suzuki