For the past six months, I have been secretly seeing a married man. I’ve always been fascinated by power dynamics and submission, but he really feeds into my darkest fantasies around race and gender.

He is in his late 40s, has two daughters, and a successful career. His wife doesn’t treat him the way he deserves. He says they only have sex a handful of times each year. He calls me his little “Asian doll” and tells me he has always fantasized about fucking a girl like me. So when he sees me, he is always ready to go. And his presence turns me on so much. He is almost a foot taller than me and much stronger. Whenever I’m around him I am always a mess. Our encounters typically start with him undressing me immediately. He often tells me to dress up for him, but then takes it all off me as soon as he comes over. He likes to assert his dominance over me, often forcing me to crawl on my knees, bowing my head in subservience as he leads me through my own house like a pet.

He is the one who turned me onto the idea of raceplay. I have never had a problem with being fetished for being Asian, and have let a lot of guys with Yellow Fever touch me, but this is different. It isn’t on the sidelines. He isn’t afraid to tell me what I am like the other guys. I met him online and he was very up front with his feelings. He told me he was married and that wasn’t going to change. But then he told me he needed someone to let out his frustrations on. He said he has a fetish for Asian girls and raceplay, and that he wanted a slave. He wanted someone to do everything he wanted without compromise. For some reason I said yes. Something about his honesty, directness, and confidence hit a nerve within me. It made me want to serve him. I wanted to make him happy, to be the outlet for what he needed, to fill that empty space in his life. The very first time we met, he called me things like “inferior” and “cumslut”. He told me how much I needed to be used and put in my place. He used my mouth in his car that first night and I loved it.

The next time we met he got even more assertive with it. He told me how my ancestors were conquered and subjugated by his. How all I was good for was being a cock sleeve to a man like him. He gets off on slapping me and calling me degrading terms, and it turns me on too. The sex is always laced with humiliation and degradation. He loves to pin me down and restrain me while he fucks me. And he will subject me to so much verbal abuse while he has his way with me. And for some reason it is the best sex I have ever had. He will choke me and spank me hard, while calling me a “little slut” or a “dirty whore”, telling me that pleasing him is all I’m good for. Telling me I was made to service his desires and satisfy his twisted fantasies about Asian women. And I love it.

He makes me orgasm every time he fucks me. It usually takes me a real long time to finish. With other guys, I almost always had to finish myself after getting them off. But not with him. The rough sex combined with the degradation he subjects me to only makes me orgasm faster. When he calls me names like a “race traitor” for spreading my legs for a white man or “breeding stock” for allowing myself to be treated like a common whore, it sends jolts of electricity through my body. For some reason I revel in the shame. It feels so good to hear it and feel it as he pounds into me relentlessly. He reads me like an open book, knowing exactly where to touch and what to say to me. No matter how many times he cums on me, telling me that he is marking me as his property, I am always left craving more.

I tell him that he is allowed to finish inside me, but he won’t do it. I actually told him it would be okay if he got me pregnant, but he won’t do it. He says that’s exactly why. I want to bear his child so badly. Literally, my whole being aches to carry his offspring. I want to nurture a tiny human that’s half him, half me. I imagine the scandalous looks I would get. I single mother with a mixed-race bastard. I wonder if having a half white child would immediately let everyone know that I was some white man’s Asian mistress. It turns me on, the idea of having a mixed rave child, but he refuses to even consider it. He says there is too much risks of getting caught and ruining his marriage and his family. But I would never do that to him. I don’t want to ruin his family, I just want a family of my own.

I know this relationship isn’t going anywhere, but deep down I am addicted to the rush of powerlessness, the thrill of being reduced to a mere object for his pleasure. I hate myself for it, but I cannot stop. Every time he messages me I immediately want more. Each times he leaves I am even more addicted, more desperate for the validation that comes with being reduced to a mere object of pleasure for this racist man. I know it is wrong, and that I should be ashamed of myself for allowing him to treat me like this, but I have never felt more alive and fulfilled. I feel awful, but nothing has ever gotten me off like this before. As long as he wants me, I’ll be here waiting to submit to whatever dark pleasures he desires. I feel like I am sinking into an abyss of self loathing and submission, but I can’t help embracing my role in the games he demands I play. But it still isn’t enough.