I am in abysmal despair and I have no one to turn to. Thinking makes the torment anew, yet in front of everyone I suppress those feelings, put on a happy face and pretend nothing is wrong. Those thoughts, like droplets of boiling water landing on my scalps and hot tears rail adown my cheeks.
The feelings of being trapped is coming back. Trapped inside a prison and I can’t breathe. The walls that surround me have cloistered me from the outside world and there is the unbreathable stink of death coming from my own flesh as I am rotting from within and in the morning rays of blinding sunshine shoot through the window and pierce my room and I see all the dust like tiny bugs crawling in the air and I feel there are bugs crawling inside my body, all over my body. I am infested from within.
Lifeless sunshine, mournful sunshine, dreadful sunshine. A fettered prisoner I lay on my bed, motionless, restless, unable to get up, and yet unable to stay still. I am being boiled alive from inside.
Cruel sunshine. Merciless sunshine. Phoebus on golden chariots trampled over my sordid, yet meaningless, existence. Leave me alone. I want to stay in darkness, in dark rooms with no light, where the sun doesn’t shine through; I hate light. It hurt my eyes and makes me nauseous. I hate the reflection of me in the light.
I love the image of me as I come out of the shower, before a full length mirror; and I gasp, and admire, at the beauty reflected from the mirror. My long dark hair damp with water dripping onto my breasts, my youthful perky breasts, swaying from side to side with slight movements; my long slender legs, white, creamy, smooth. Yet no one is coming to appreciate my beauty. No one is coming to touch me, caress me, ravish me, tussle and tumble my soft slim body. Love me! Where is the thief who will pluck my flowers, steal my naked youth, and cause my heart a thousand sighs? Soon, very soon, my beauty will wither away. I will become old.
My youth, like a bird will fly and fly, whenas evil pursue, leave this apartment to tell of its occupant’s fate, jump over the ledge of those broken dreams, go I down into a world of blindness. … Now. … Be my courage keen. Now. … Dare a deed to match my sins.