guest contribution: Confession of a Submissive Asian Girl.

I’ve been lurking around here for quite a while now. I’ve been reading through stories and confessions written by others posted here and I want to make my own, my very private confession to express my thoughts and feelings that I wouldn’t want to talk about otherwise. 

This is probably going to be super long lol but I don’t actually mind whether anyone reads it or not since it’s more of a secret confession for myself.

I’m a 20 year old Asian girl, born and raised in America. My parents are Chinese immigrants. Both of them are college professors. I’d say I’m pretty good looking since I’ve had many guys attracted to me and I do some private modeling part-time alongside college.

Although it wasn’t always like this. Growing up, my Chinese parents constantly placed an emphasis on being a good student and getting good grades because they wanted me to go to an Ivy League school, which had also been a huge goal of mine. Luckily, I managed to realize this dream but it did come at the cost of my social life, where I missed out on what the “popular girls in high school did”.

I was always seen as the “quiet, clever, cute Asian girl” that got along with everyone but was never really part of the clique of popular girls. I saw all the hot white guys that I had crushes on to go for the hot white girls and there were times where I did feel I wasn’t pretty enough and felt a bit insecure.

I have an older sister who is 4 years older than me and we get along very well and I’m really grateful for the bond we have. She works in finance and has a very wide social circle and because she works in finance, almost all of her colleagues and friends are men and many of them are very close to her. She constantly had friends coming over, both Asian and white. I was never attracted to any of her Asian friends but whenever some of her white friends would come over to hang out with her, I would feel super shy because I really liked them. My older sister is now in a committed relationship with a white man who is 10 years older than her and they are getting ready to be married.

So, from a very young age I knew I wasn’t attracted to Asian guys. Whenever I’ve thought about it, I become somewhat ashamed because honestly I have never been with one and it’s almost as if I’m betraying my culture and my roots. I really don’t know why. I just have never felt any sexual or romantic attraction towards Asian guys. I’d say, if I have to guess, maybe, it’s because of the idea of a confident white guy who takes the lead and helps to pull me out of my shell, where I used to be so comfortable and shy, kind of forcibly dragging me out of my comfort zone by being more initiative and aggressive. Not to mention the fact that white guys in general are much taller and much more mascular. 

When I started college it was the first time in my life I was living away from home and I had the freedom to do whatever I wanted. Whilst I’m really grateful to my parents for pushing me to study hard, their approach did make me neglect the social aspects of my life such as not having a boyfriend and not getting to know the guys I liked.

I was always quite skinny so I started going to the gym to work on my body and I joined a sorority where I made friends with that type of “popular white girl” that I never really socialized with in school. I did feel like I was overcompensating for missing out on certain high school experiences tbh, and I guess many of my college experiences later on stemmed from this feeling of overcompensating, but I have enjoyed my experiences so far (for the most part lol) so I don’t have any regrets.

The first time I hooked up and lost my virginity was at this house party where this white guy was hitting on me and we did hook up later that night. At first I was hooking up a lot and did some pretty embarrassing things. For example, one time this guy texted me to come over and I literally travelled almost an hour just to give him head. Like we didn’t even have sex lol he just gave me a facial and then I cleaned up and left.

I’d say part of my sluttiness for white guys definitely comes from being that shy, quiet, and studious. An Asian girl who has come out of her shell to get different experiences. Part of it is also rooted in trying to get validation and feel pretty and not being inferior to white girls. The sex is obviously great, aha ha ha! So it’s definitely something I enjoy, but I do feel I wouldn’t be as slutty as I am if I didn’t have that slight insecurity. I feel a lot of Asians carry that inferiority complex with them when they are confronted by white guys.

I have had a few fwbs that I saw frequently. I don’t hook up with random guys as much as I used to. And I like to experience and explore my sexuality with them. I’m very submissive and I love being dominated in the bedroom. I enjoy being tied up, spanked, humiliated. I love being collar and leash and having clothespins placed on my sensitive nipples.

One of my long term sex partners is a French dominant who owns a harem of Asian girls. He likes to make us compete with one another to see who can please him the most and I arrange play dates with him the most frequently. I love the fact that he is training me to be more obedient and he also teaches me how to please men, especially white men, better. He is also the one for whom I do private modeling for. He has a vast collection of girls, most of them Asian, but also a few East European women, and we all model for him and he shares his collection with his like-minded friends.

Sometimes I’ve wondered whether I should feel guilty for overlooking Asian men and it’s something I’ve thought about a lot recently, but ultimately I’m just not attracted to them and I don’t owe them anything. I have great relationships with Asian men like my dad, my uncles, and my platonic male friends so it’s not like I’m some really self-hating person and hate them or anything lol. I just feel that I’m still really young and I’m still discovering myself and enjoying new experiences. Since I’m free to do what I want, date whomever I want, and fuck whomever I want, I don’t feel guilty for not choosing Asian men. I’m just not attracted to Asian men and there is nothing I can do to change that.

There’s a reasonable chance that I end up marrying an Asian guy tbh so it’s not totally out of the question–it’s just that they’re not what I’m looking for at the moment and I can’t force myself to be attracted to someone I’m not into. 

And reading this blog has definitely helped me reach a healthier head space regarding all the racial and sexual dynamics behind all this.

I finally understood why I’m always overcompensating when I hook up with white guys. I always take extra time to look really pretty and always put in a lot of effort into sex, learning all the different techniques of blowjob, shaving my pussy, wearing butt plugs, letting them taking erotic photos of me, and allowing them to go inside me raw. I always feel so submissive in front of white men, and even unconsciously I try really hard to please white men as much as possible, which they do appreciate, haha! And it is something I like doing. I do feel it stems from my Asian inferiority complex that I have–not feeling good enough for white men, not being as pretty as white women, and the need to do everything I can to prove that I’m not inferior. It’s not something I’m too worried about though.

I’ve learned as an Asian girl, I can enjoy sex with white men without feeling guilt and shame.

So yeah I just wanted to express this little confession and hopefully document about the experiences I’ve had in college so far.

The above post is a guest contribution. Opinion expressed and views held are solely the submitter’s and may not be reflective of the Inferior Asian Editor Team.