As I look back onto my life lived so far, sometimes I wonder–especially after reading Heidegger, why do I live? When I was younger, I felt a lot of sadness and loneliness, and this changed when I was in my 20s. I spent the happiest of my life in my 20s. I think I have already achieved most of what I have wanted: having been married and becoming a mother. It almost felt as if my life had suddenly stopped changing after I turned 30. 

An unexamined life is not worth living, and I wonder if I have examined my life so far.

When I was much younger I had no confidence and I often wondered if I was really as gifted as my teachers seemed to think I was. When I entered high school. I was given some math aptitude test and I scored very high on the exam and was placed in gifted classes, and so I was surrounded by Asians. During my sophomore year they put me in math camps where once again I was entirely surrounded by Asians, most of them Chinese and a few Koreans. And so even though I’m Japanese in heritage, I sort of grew up around Chinese.

Which is why I carried with me a perpetual contempt for the Chinese race because I was so close to them. Perhaps I have already written extensively on my contempt for the Chinese, as much as  Ralph Townsend wrote in his Ways that are Dark: the Truth about China. 

The original Chinese doesn’t exist anymore. In fact they stopped existing 1500 years ago when the Mongolians raped and pillaged through the entire Chinese continent. 95% of the Chinese today call themselves “Han Chinese”, but that’s just a catch-all term for all the “Chinese” who have been mongrelized to the point of no return. The modern Chinese is a mystery meat of the human race and their gene pool is a giant contaminated cum rag that repeatedly absorbed huge gobs of impure barbarian semen for ages. The barbarians that were once considered subhumans by the original Chinese. Imagine being enslaved, raped, and mongrelized by subhumans for more than 1000 years. 

That’s what happened to China.

A lot of my classmates in my Ph.D. program went on to become math professors, quants on Wall Street, data scientists, software engineers, and perhaps some day I will admit to them, I was simply never that interested in math. I was never convinced that I was as good in math as my teachers tell me either. Even to this day, in addition to having a masters degree in physics, I still don’t think that I am that good in math. I’m not being humble. I’m being honest. After my Ph.D. dissertation, I have never done any research in math, and no one other than my advisor and the three other professors on my committee have ever read my thesis. I know one really gifted former classmate who was exceptionally gifted in math and he was never able to find a tenured position in math research after 2 years of postdoctoral work. So I really have no regrets either.

In my heart of heart I have always had a soft spot for literature and philosophy. If I had been admitted to Harvard when I was in high school, I think I would have majored in English literature or philosophy. 

But on the other hand, I’m also not convinced that I’m as talented in literature or philosophy as I think I am either. In fact, I would say it’s even more difficult to become a philosopher or a successful writer than to become a mathematician or a physicist, since fields such as literature and philosophy do not have much of a barrier to entry. Anyone can philosophize and anyone can read and write. 

I don’t know if it’s because of my abnormally precocious intellect or otherwise but I have always been extremely hypersexual. I was a chronic masturbator. I was a virgin when I entered college but I read lots and lots of cheap romance novels that included lots of SM in them, and I fingered myself as I read those novels. I never really enjoyed watching porn. Sometimes I did that too but I was never really able to derive as much sensation as I did from reading.

My 18th birthday was the beginning of my new life, as I look back upon it now. I realized that, quite early on, that the best of my life began at the age of 18 and would come to an end by the age of 30, and so I have tried to achieve as much as I could. There was an urgency to my life back then, and if I wasn’t doing as much as I possibly could, I felt I was wasting my life. 

I married my first husband (who was the owner of an asset management company) when I was 19 and I became pregnant with my first child when I was 20 and we got married two months later. And for the next several years, I was quite happy and content with my life. There were ups and downs to it, sure, but I was mostly happy. I was still going to college but I had zero financial worries. Interestingly enough, a Jewish classmate of mine were married at the age of 20 as well. But hers was an arranged marriage. They do that in Judaism. 

It was around this time period that I read Descartes. Prior to Descartes, I have already read through all the works of Nietzsche and Kierkegaard. I have read Beyond Good and Evil three times; then I read Ayn Rand and then I read all the works of Seneca. I’ve always been a voracious reader, because I was taken care of by my husband financially. I focused on my studies and my readings when I was not taking care of my children or waiting for him to come home and have sex with me. During the day, I was a good mother, a meticulous housewife, but at night, when the lights were turned off, I submitted to my husband as his obedient sex slave.

So I had a lot of otium (as Nietzsche would say) and so I was able to do things that interested me. I also did some modeling and softcore pornography for a studio, with the permission of my husband. He was not too fond of that and so I didn’t continue down that path. 

Meine Lebensphilosophie:

And for the next ten years I have been convinced that Descartes was right. Of course, who can doubt the brilliance of I think therefore I am. And my metaphysics had stopped there. I never went back to philosophy again because afterward I entered my Ph.D. program in math and I had to give up my philosophy. For anyone who had gone through a Ph.D. program, you know how it was like. You are basically eating and sleeping doing whatever subject field expertise that you were doing and you had no time to think about anything else. For me it was the same. It was 5 years of being an intellectual monk, a fast of every other channel of my mind other than math, so all the other organons shall fast and remain famished and only your mathematical organon shall feast.

I don’t remember exactly when I started this blog now. I think one reason was because I felt so oppressed by the dominant liberal ideology surrounding me. I was never able to convince myself about the equality of all human beings, and it disgusted me that I should be equal to a nigger or a chink. Even though I’m Japanese, and so I’m East Asian, I was frequently mistaken for being Eastern European, and I always felt very proud of that fact.

Okay, so where I am getting at again?

My philosophy of course. So obviously, Descartes is basically the greatest philosopher since Aristotle. He is like the founder of modern philosophy as Newton is the founder of modern physics. But after Descartes there were many other equally great philosophers who developed their own theories based on his. And so we come to Heidegger now. 

I was never able to understand Heidegger and it’s actually the first time that I had to read a book about a philosopher instead of just reading the books by the philosopher. I like to formulate my own understandings based on the philosophies presented in their books. There are not many books that I could say that I couldn’t understand. When I was younger, I was always questioning if I was as smart as my teachers say I was, but as I got older, I’m relatively comfortable with knowing who I am and at what level I am.

So Heidegger’s book is a book that I have to admit that I can never understand by myself, and so I had to read a book about Heidegger. 

And it turned out, I was pleasantly surprised. I was actually enlightened, lol. Heidegger has repudiated Descartes. Certainly there are things that are more certain than “I think”. “I will die” is almost certainly more certain than that. And if I am going to die, then I will cease to exist, and so I must exist now. Thus according to Heidegger, it’s no longer: I think therefore I am. It’s now: I die, therefore I am.

But it’s more sophisticated than some Greek philosopher’s idea that death gives meaning to life, because he throws in a lot of other stuffs but if we strip off all the other concepts, yeah, it sort of comes down to this, which, as I note, is going all the way back to Greek philosophy again, and so we have made a whole circle. 500 years of philosophizing since the Renaissance and we have gone all the way back to 500 B.C. 

But this also raises another good point. All of our lives will come to an end at some point. We are all certain of that. And this just now reminds me of that too. As I read through his philosophy, suddenly I have come to the realization that there should be an urgency to my life too. Life itself is also obedient to the rule of logarithmic growth. As you grow older, time passes by faster and faster, exponentially so. And so we all must ask ourselves, what are we to accomplish in this life?

So I challenge you, my readers, tell me please, what are you going to accomplish in this life before you die? What are your goals in life and your objectives in life? You know, besides becoming the masters of a harem full of obedient Asian sex slaves. We can’t do that unless China collapses, and it seems right now that the Trump administration is doing all it can to bolster up the Chinese government, which, during the Biden administration, had been teetering on the precipice due to their economic and population crises.