Whenever someone refer to me as “asian”, I always follow by telling him or her very clearly, with a very nonchalant expression, “I’m Japanese,” all the while I try to hide the deep seething disgust at the mere mention of the word “asian”, because in America, the only people who call themselves “asian” are Chinese and Korean, and maybe some extremely white-washed Japanese. When I lived in Japan, I have never met any Japanese who thinks Japanese are Asian. And while I lived in China, I have never met any Chinese who referred. Like I have said before, asians who call themselves asians in America are not really asians.
Let’s look at each other in the eyes and let’s be completely honest with one another: —the reason that I, who am barely 5 feet 3 with swarthy dark hair and hazel brown eyes, is dating you, is because I must look away from my own suffering self, because my own existence is spiteful to myself, because the mere fact I know that I was born out of the fertilization of an asian man’s sperm makes me sick and nauseous, because every moment that I live I absolutely hate my, or what you call my, “asian” heritage—which doesn’t even make sense to me because the word “asian” is still so foreign to me and it makes me sick feeling like to vomit knowing that when I walk down the street and see a bunch of asian FOBs I am actually genetically related to those disgusting shit-skinned people—because there is no way that I will let my children suffer the same terrible fate that I suffered—to be born asian, to be born out of the conflation of a little asian man’s weak and effeminate sperm; and I want you to degrade me, degrade my race and my “asian” heritage because your racism excites me to the core and you can’t feel the tingling sensation down there when you call me those nasty racist names and because what you call my “asian” heritage I don’t even recognize because I have never really identified myself as “asian” (it’s only in America that people call me “asian”) and when you degrade and humiliate my race I orgasmed so much and I don’t even feel insulted because I feel like you are insulting those real “asians”—those FOBs, gooks, chinks who walk down the street wearing fake Gucci bags and you don’t even know the secret relish that mesmerize me when I am with you and all those pathetic little asian men’s stares that just make me feel soooo satisfied. Let’s see one another in the face, once and for all, you 6 feet blue-eyed Hyperborean, you whose arms are bigger than my entire torso, the reason I’m with you is because I hate myself. In you I see the reflection of myself distorted and my appearance metamorphosized; you made me new and in your love I will die and rise again. You are my hope of never having to be called “asian” ever again, and in your embrace I wear that multicultural shade because you do not know the suffering sun that burns my eyes everyday—abolish that horrible name, “What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other word would smell as sweet;” let’s not call ourselves “white” and “asian” anymore, call me but love, and I will be new baptized. Let’s call both of us “white” from now on, and you can still fuck those nasty cheap asian cunts that you pick up on your “business” trips to asia and I will still be your chaste obedient asian doll when you come home, and I will still pamper you like a god, I will do anything you ask me to, and I will lick your feet like a geisha, and I will still massage your strong hairy legs every night while you watch the game, just as before, but I will no longer tolerate to be put into the same category along side the rest of those asian women, at least publicly, call me your white girlfriend, call me your all-American cutie-pie, (and I will be more patriotic than any white woman can be and I will denigrate my own father and mother and I will yell chinks and japs at those FOBs) and we can make fun of those asians together, it’s such a turn on for me anyway, but please don’t call me asian anymore, will you honey? Pretty please?
There is this silly idea out there that asian women only like white men, and let me tell you that that is simply and totally not true and actually quite offensive to asian women, because asian women are really the most liberal and progressive group of people in the world today and we are much more open to interracial relationships than women of any other race and that is a fact: —walk down the streets in Boston, New York, Chicago or any other major city in the world and you will see (east) asian women hand-in-hand with not just white men, but also black men, mexican men, arab men, persian men, jewish men, hispanic men, just about any kind of men. So while alot of us are indeed attracted to white men, it doesn’t mean we are only attracted to white men; we are open to dating men of any race, because unlike those racist white women or black women who only date men of their own race, we asian women are just that modern and that cool, and for me personally I never judge a potential sex partner based on his race or skin color for—as long as he truly loves me for who I am but more importantly—true love knows no skin color or race or religion.
So to all you blacks, arabs, hispanics, mexicans, jews, peruvians eskimos, or any other weird ethnicity out there, if you love asian women and if you have an American citizenship, woah, don’t ever complain that you can’t score an asian woman. Please, just stop lying to me. I’m not really stupid. No matter what you are—Christian, Mormon, Muslim, Scientologist, Jew, whatever, trust me, asian women don’t care, and if you love her, then, and if you are wealthy enough, you will be ascertained that she will love you back, but unless—Oh!—you are an asian man then in which case you are screwed. You might as well just go kill yourself now. Seriously. Let me tell you, the reason why us asian women are so libertine with men of other races is because we are trying avoid you. It’s actually very degrading for a woman to date out of her own race, and all those asian women who date out of their own race or ethnicity know that; it’s a matter of whether one wants to be honest with oneself. You don’t know it’s actually very shameful? O please every woman of every race knows it’s shameful. Secular progressive multicultural propaganda can mask the shame, but it is still very degrading, but we just don’t care and, let me repeat, we want to avoid having to date you—asian men. Around all those asian women I have met I can smell their self hatred from a mile away and they all absolutely hate asian men and a lot of them hate other asian women as well, and oh yeah, they are all married to white men or black men or mexican men or whatever. Sometimes I just feel like why aren’t all those asian men killing themselves for shame? Can you imagine, white men started the Trojan war over one woman while all you asian men just stand by and watch as everyone steals your women. The more I realize just how pathetic all you asian men really are (and don’t even mention all those asian gays), the more I hate asian men and I’ m just glad that I jumped out of that ship a long time ago. Sometimes I hate myself, but it’s your fault that I hate myself because the fact that I am genetically related to you makes me hate myself. So if you are an asian man, you should go kill yourself. No woman should ever be allowed to mate with you because you don’t even know how to protect your own women.
So yeah, as long as you are not an asian man, I’m open to dating you. I actually don’t have any dating preference otherwise.
Because having sex with a man not of your own in-group is inherently degrading and humiliating, for any woman, not just for asian women, but the dilemma for asian women is that asian men are all such pathetic losers and wimpish weaklings that us asian women don’t really have a choice, so that is why we rather degrade and humiliate ourselves than dating those disgusting little asian men. At least, if I am being impregnated with superior strong-type genes, I have the possibility of giving birth to more masculine sons, but if I am being impregnated by a little effeminate asian man, Lord save me!
And another reason that most asian women enjoy sexual humiliation is that it’s actually very empowering, in a way that men simply wouldn’t understand, because it reaffirms my feminine power as a woman, that I actually arouse men to do such violence to me that it’s actually very fulfilling. You have to be a woman to understand this. In a twisted and esoteric way, sexual humiliation actually does empower asian women and make us feel fulfilled and valuable, even if it might seem degrading from a man’s perspective.
In the end, all this really does is benefiting asian women, however degrading it might seem, because, unlike men, women—well I don’t know if all women do this but asian women certainly—revel in being inferior, and it is the case that the more inferior a woman is, the more sexually attractive she is, and that is why you will see very successful and accomplished women pretend to be less powerful than men, and that men who are married to women who are superior to men feel very insecure, and so being racially inferior makes asian women that much more desirable than any other type of women and which in turn boosts our confidence that much more (trust me, it’s good to feel like you are the most desired type of woman in the world even if it means your race, represented by your men, is inferior to other races) and last of all but not least of all, while a lot white men know that asia is the paradise for white men, do you know how many asian women consider the United States and European Union as the paradise for asian women? For so many asian women, a country full of white men is the ultimate paradise, the elysian field, and so many asian women would do anything just to be here. There is a very wealthy Chinese banker’s daughter, her name is Jessica (I don’t know her Chinese name), who stole all her father’s money and transferred it to her father’s rival company, owned by her white boyfriend, and she eloped with him and the father almost committed suicide, and she is now happily married to her white boyfriend and even converted to Christianity. I have hundreds of similar stories like this I wouldn’t be able to tell all of them as Scheherazade in a thousand night.
Maybe I write too much. Maybe the power that be is simply denying me the opportunity to voice my opinions. I am so sorry for what I have written. I know quite a few white men who will get angry at any suggestion that we are not all equal, and my boyfriend doesn’t get me either. I understand. I totally understand why white men couldn’t understand me. Because they are not a member of an inferior race who must live by, think by, speak by the values of their conquerors. White men will never understand how humiliating it is to be an asian woman. My white man has saved me from evil asian man, but, now, who will save me from my savior?
I am in abysmal despair and I have no one to turn to. Thinking makes the torment anew, yet in front of everyone I suppress those feelings, put on a happy face and pretend nothing is wrong. Those thoughts, like droplets of boiling water landing on my scalps and hot tears rail adown my cheeks.
The feelings of being trapped is coming back. Trapped inside a prison and I can’t breathe. The walls that surround me have cloistered me from the outside world and there is the unbreathable stink of death coming from my own flesh as I am rotting from within and in the morning rays of blinding sunshine shoot through the window and pierce my room and I see all the dust like tiny bugs crawling in the air and I feel there are bugs crawling inside my body, all over my body. I am infested from within.
Lifeless sunshine, mournful sunshine, dreadful sunshine. A fettered prisoner I lay on my bed, motionless, restless, unable to get up, and yet unable to stay still. I am being boiled alive from inside.
Cruel sunshine. Merciless sunshine. Phoebus on golden chariots trampled over my sordid, yet meaningless, existence. Leave me alone. I want to stay in darkness, in dark rooms with no light, where the sun doesn’t shine through; I hate light. It hurt my eyes and makes me nauseous. I hate the reflection of me in the light.
I love the image of me as I come out of the shower, before a full length mirror; and I gasp, and admire, at the beauty reflected from the mirror. My long dark hair damp with water dripping onto my breasts, my youthful perky breasts, swaying from side to side with slight movements; my long slender legs, white, creamy, smooth. Yet no one is coming to appreciate my beauty. No one is coming to touch me, caress me, ravish me, tussle and tumble my soft slim body. Love me! Where is the thief who will pluck my flowers, steal my naked youth, and cause my heart a thousand sighs? Soon, very soon, my beauty will wither away. I will become old.
My youth, like a bird will fly and fly, whenas evil pursue, leave this apartment to tell of its occupant’s fate, jump over the ledge of those broken dreams, go I down into a world of blindness. … Now. … Be my courage keen. Now. … Dare a deed to match my sins.
This is my first and last book and this represents the last breathe of my life. I hope you could cherish each word.
I hope no one reads my book, but if you read, then I ask you, please either read this book from its beginning to end, or don’t bother reading this book at all. That is my either/or, which precept I have followed since I was little, so I expect the same from my readers. Please do not read my book at all if you do not intend to read it in its entirety. My book, after all, is not written for you; it is written for the very few; it is, in truth, written for myself only. It is not my wish to burden you with my sadness. I wish only that my pain and suffering will have brought you pleasure.
Some have expressed the opinion that I have written a hateful book, though I myself was deluded to think that I have written a book on love. And therein lies the problem with modernity. Our world is filled with so much love now that people are so scared, so intimidated, that they dare not to express, to utter, to—alas!—hate; they are scared to death to hate anyone. Our world only condones love; there is no place for hate in our community! Let me, a weak and vulnerable lowly creature who has no audacity to challenge my master’s wisdom, interject through your thunderous bellow of freedom, of equality and of love, that there is no hate without love; love and hate are nothing but the two flip sides of the same coin. We do not tolerate hate! Ah but you continue to scream at the top of your lung Yes, we do not tolerate hate, and as a consequence, we no longer tolerate love. Everyone is so afraid of falling in love out of fear for the hate that ensue that there is no love in this world anymore, and truly, that is how we have achieved this utilitarian utopia: everyone is happy, and everyone doesn’t love everyone else but herself; and anyone who is unhappy, who expresses unhappy thoughts, is promptly excluded from this great utopian ideal world. I am just a weak and defenseless woman. I do not have the strength nor the intelligence to withstand the onslaught of a thousand minions of self imprisoned minds. And so, I will, upon publishing this book, promptly excommunicate myself from your utopia. And let this be my last thought and please forgive me for my final whisper into your ossified souls.
Working for the Japanese Adult Video (JAV) industry in Japan has become a rite to passage for a Japanese girl to become a woman; just about every girl pretty enough will end up doing one thing or another related to the industry. JAV industry is the only industry that is actually still growing in Japan, everything else decrepitude of economic stagnation.
There are a lot of JAV recruiters out there, just about on every street corner in Japan. They are constantly on the look out for pretty young females and without any courtship they would just approach us and ask us if we would like to do AV. They are like predators lurking around everywhere. They hang around high schools, colleges, shopping malls; they are everywhere and you can’t miss them. If you are young and pretty enough in Japan, you have most likely been accosted by them at least once.
I didn’t get along with our parents very well while growing up. The constant cold stare, the resentment building inside, the silent treatment. I wanted to become financially independent as soon as possible. I wished someone could take me away. I wanted out!—out of this horrible misery just as much as you were. Back then you were still too young, so I kept you from a lot of things that I thought might hurt you. At the time I was working part time in a fetish Chinese restaurant in the red light district. It was just a regular Chinese restaurant except all the waitresses wore mini skirt Chinese dress. There were nothing “fetish” to it; it was much cleaner than, say, no pan shabu shabu, or some other venues.
Despite the fact that it was a Chinese restaurant, it was actually owned by Japanese, but all the waitresses were Chinese, half of them were international students from China, a few from Taiwan, the other half were married to Japanese men. The wages weren’t so good. Even when customers tipped us, the owner collected the tips and kept to himself. And the waitresses were afraid to challenge him because many of them were working illegally. And there was no exception for me either. In Japan, if you are half-Japanese, then you are not really Japanese. At first I tried to work at a restaurant catering exclusively to Japanese clients, but after one look at my name they rejected me on the ground that I was not pure Japanese. Sometimes I wondered what the hell was wrong with our mother thinking that she could find a better life in Japan. I wondered if I could have turned out a little more normal if I was born poor in a third world country. At least then I could offer to suck Japanese men’s cocks with more dignity. So I decided to try out my luck with the AV industry.
The first time I went to a porn studio:
Once we were there at the designated place, I filed in an application with my name, address, age, as well as shoe size, bra size, waist size, sexual history, etc. They also asked what I was willing to do: oral sex, anal sex, bondage, threesome, water sports etc. The list goes about 8 to 10 pages. All the girls wore only bikinis inside the building while the staffs wore business suits. One curiosity in the building that caught my attention the most was the weighing scale. The scale was under the floor and they would tell me to stand over to the corner; once you stood over there, your weight and height would all be shown electronically on their tables, and no one would even see it. The first time I did it I didn’t even realize what just happened. There were so many very pretty girls along with me and they all went through the same process like I did. It was interesting because JAV industry was probably the only industry that does not discriminate against foreigners in Japan (actually several major AV studios still do not allow foreign women but most do). There were a lot Korean and Chinese women there. Of course some of them are like me, half-Japanese, almost always the product of a Japanese father and a Chinese or Korean mother; but most of them were international students or were here on work visas.
It’s always strange to me to admit that as a woman I know more about porn than a guy, because I was once involved in pornographic productions. It feels weird, unusual, but most importantly, it makes me feel very embarrassed, like being a whore but worse. It’s even worse than being a whore. At least a whore only had intercourse with a client, but a JAV actress in Japan rarely, if ever, only has intercourse. Another thing I heard is Western guys complaining how “fake” JAV productions are. In almost every scene the girls seem to be squealing and it looks as if she is being forced to make those movies. She doesn’t seem to enjoy herself at all. Then they give this bogus theory that it’s because of Japanese culture: a Japanese woman is not supposed to enjoy sex, blah blah blah. Well, there’s this seedy side of JAV industry that you would probably have a very difficult time believing. If it looks like rape in the movie, then it probably was rape during the shoot. In Japanese AV, once you have agreed to shoot a scene, no matter how painful or how uncomfortable you are, you must, under contract, finish the shoot, or else the producers will cross out your name and no one in the whole industry will ever employ you again. It will be like you were dead.
For the first few times I was involved in a bondage production, but not as a star. I was a “penis warmer” because I had only agreed to oral sex and that wasn’t good enough to be a main actress. I was kneeling in the back of the room sucking on the penises of the male actors just before they were ready to go on the stage. I felt very strange at first. There is another beautiful woman, naked and vulnerable, suspended or otherwise tied up, in the next room, and yet they cannot get hard just by looking at her. In stead they needed me to gently gratify them until they get hard and only then they can go to the next room to have sex with the bound actress. Sex industry, it turns out, is just another business, another daily boring job that has no escape. Many of those men were high school dropouts and if they were not working in the porn industry, they would have joined the Yazuka selling drugs or trafficking prostitutes. Those women’s appearance and sexuality made no difference to those male actors. To them, we all looked the same, no matter how pretty or how ugly. It was unbelievable right?
Although I was not a star in those movies, I was very engrossed by what I saw. Those actresses looked so beautiful, so feminine in their bondage, and sometimes I fantasized being in their situations myself, though for a long time I didn’t have the courage to admit. After a few months I decided to try out at another studio and this time I wanted to be the actress on stage and had agreed to more deviant sexual behaviors. Since I spoke Chinese, the producers said that I should be a different character than myself. They asked me to pretend to be a Chinese international student, and speak some Chinese in the movie. Just like westerners, Japanese men like exotic women, women from foreign countries, so they said that way the movie would sell better. It was my first time to break into hardcore porn and it was brutal. First they asked me how to say some words in Chinese, and I introduced myself as a Chinese student. Then they started to undress me, and then one actor pissed in my face, and several guys took turns having sex with me. I didn’t feel anything at all. After the sex scene my whole body felt bruised. I still don’t know if I enjoyed it at all. It was like a test given to me by God and to test my faith in him; I did not feel any sexual satisfaction from that experience.
The first few times were very simple shoots compared to the third one. The third time I was called up by an agent to shoot a very light nude scene with no sex involved and they said I would make 1 million yen. It sounded a little too good to be true and it turned out exactly that way. When I arrived at the parking lot, immediately several men rushed out of the building and started to strip my clothes off. I didn’t understand why they can’t wait until I was inside the building. They stripped me naked right there in the parking lot, with one guy holding all my clothes in his hands, and they carried me inside all the while slapping me and chafing my nipples and my private part. Once inside I was immediately thrown onto a dirty mattress and forced to have sex with the producer. I tried to reason with them telling them that I thought there was no sex scene, but they simply laughed at me and started screaming at me for being so stupid. We paid you so much money just to shoot you naked? Who do you think you are, a goddess? You are not pretty. You are just an ugly and nasty whore. As the producer was having sex with me, the make up artist was simultaneously applying make up on my face. But I was crying and as he pumped in and out of me I was moving up and down on the mattress. Needless to say, it was an impossible task but the make up artist did put some blush and lip stick on me anyway. Maybe you don’t know this, but in Japan no one ever uses condoms, not even in porn. That’s one reason why Japanese prostitutes are only allowed to serve Japanese men; because we believe foreigners might bring STDs; most Japanese prostitutes don’t use condoms either. The only way for a girl to avoid pregnancy is to calculate her period or to take morning after pills or birth control pills. I didn’t expect to have sex so I didn’t take any birth control pills beforehand, so again I told them that I was not on pills, but they ignored me and the producer ejaculated inside me anyway. “So what if you get pregnant? It’s none of our business. You are a dirty public toilet and your parents are ashamed of you. “
After the producer had ejaculated inside me, a dozen of his men started to gang rape me. I was furious and I tried to bite them and kick them, but then a guy with a bamboo stick came out and started to strike me. “If you don’t want to get killed, you better be obedient.” All the while I was being videotaped. They wanted to make the movie as a real rape movie; only later on I learned that this studio had been doing this for a long time, recruiting actresses who were unaware of what they are getting into and then raping them. I was gang raped over three times in a four hour period.
After the first time, they dragged me into the rest room and made me lick the toilet bowl. They told me all the AV actresses had to do it at some point in their career; I might as well do it now. They pushed my head into a bath tub full of very hot water I thought they were going to boil me alive. They kept pushing my head into the water I swallowed several gulps of water and my ears were full of water I couldn’t hear I thought I was deaf. I beat my head like mad trying to get the water out of my head because I thought I couldn’t hear anymore. After the first gang rape and the “shower”, they told me if I am obedient there is just one more scene and they will let me go. I was in hell for the last hour so I believed them I very gently sucked their penises and cooperated with them and let them fuck me and ejaculate inside me. All the men had ejaculated inside me by then and I knew I had to take morning after pills immediately afterward. Sure, I was worried about STDs as well, but I was more worried about pregnancy than catching some diseases. When finally they were all finished, they told me I could go home now, I was so glad it was over I thanked everyone and started to dress. They even showed me the cash they were going to pay me. Though I was furious, businesses was business, and in this business honor and respect for the studio were more important than anything so I had to be reasonable. But it wasn’t over. Just as I was walking into the parking lot, another group of men, yes, a different group, mugged me and carried me back into the building and they started to rape me again. And this time they were even more brutal. They were more violent and one guy with a hammer hit me over my head when I cried out for help. They tied me to a cross and the guy with the hammer started to break furniture next to me. Some of the wood splinters even sputtered on my body and I screamed I tried to tell them there was wood splinter in my flesh but none of them seemed to care. I had been whipped by my father before, and I have been whipped by my boyfriend in high school, but the whipping that ensued after was the most painful time I had ever experienced. The first few hits I could endure. I didn’t even scream, but they kept on whipping me at the same spot it was unbearable. The guy with the whip was trying to make me scream and yes, they were still videotaping everything. They wanted to make it seem as realistic as possible: the rape, the torture, everything. They succeeded in making it as real as possible, because it was real; it was certainly real for me. After they finished whipping me, they dragged me to the roof of the building. It was below zero degrees and I was completely naked. They tied me to a wooden post and started to pour cold water on me. My whole body was shaking from the cold. They poured cold water all over my body and then they would beat me again with sticks and whips. After that they dragged me off the roof and gang raped me again. It was getting dark outside so it must have been over several hours but they weren’t finished; all of them fucked me and again ejaculated inside me. I had lost count of the number of men who had ejaculated inside my anus and vagina—must have been over 20. Then they tied me up again with my arms behind my back and my legs tied together. And then they started to force feed me alcohol. I started to black out and was in and out of consciousness. They carried me down the basement and put me into a glass container. There was a very big and strong woman standing on top of me, and I asked her what they were doing. I was hogtied facing up inside a large glass container like a glass coffin, and on top of the container was two wooden boards lying horizontally over. The woman was standing on the wooden board. I saw the camera man approaching and I asked him what was going on but he was just holding the camera and continued to shoot. When I saw the woman turning backward and her ass was pointing at my face I began to realize what was going to happen, but I still couldn’t believe it because I literally never signed up for this. The effect of the alcohol was starting to kick in and I was losing grip of consciousness. Then a slew of feces started to land on my face and at that realization I started to sob uncontrollably. Several women and men took turns defecating on me. My face, my upper body, my hair, my eyes, my nose and ears were all covered with feces. My feet and hands were tied behind my back and there was no way for me to move away. I knew this type of thing had been done before in JAV, but I never imagined that this was happening to me. The most disgusting thing I ever saw—was when several of the men took a handful of feces from the container I was lying in and put the feces into their own mouths. They told me it was very delicious and urged me to do the same. Two of them got on top of the glass container, took away the wooden board and forced a funnel into my mouth. One of them held the funnel in my mouth and another guy slowly started to dump feces mixed with urine into the funnel. I could never even imagine myself eating my own feces; now I was forced to eat the feces and urines of a hundred strangers. I had swallowed so much feces my stomach was starting to become bloated. The sensation that other people’s feces was now in my stomach made me want to die. When they finally took me out of the glass container I felt like being lifted out of hell and when I recovered my strength a little and regaining more consciousness I found myself lying naked in a plastic-wrapped mattress. Then they gave me my money and told me to go home. I felt maybe it was all a dream but then I looked over my body and saw all the bruises I realized it was not a dream. I was vomiting non stop for several days and my vomit looked like a brownish liquor, so I know it really happened. The producers also gave me the number of a doctor to call in case I have symptoms of infections as well as antibiotics to take. I went to see the doctor they told me to see and he said that “consumption of feces is not hazardous to your overall health and some animals regularly consume feces.” The studio made my ordeal into an AV and it was released into the market, advertised as “4 hour real non consensual rape, scat, vaginal destruction”. I never had the courage to watch my own movie, but I made enough money to move out on my own.
After that time I would never want to do another AV shoot anymore. I was thoroughly traumatized I just wanted to die. I was also fascinated by how many AV actresses in Japan were subjected to the same treatment I had. I did some research on my own, asking my acquaintances, finding out more about the studios, etc. The big name actresses rarely got treated like I was. Most of the time it was the novice actresses, or the foreign Asian women who were treated like this. I had always wanted to believe I was Japanese, but I was half Japanese; and a half Japanese was still considered as a non-Japanese. It didn’t make any difference. I saw several productions in which the women seem to have been genuinely raped and I couldn’t even bare to look at it. And I also started to realize that there were a lot more Chinese women like me in the JAV industry than I had ever realized before. Most of them were not the big named JAV actresses with lots of glamour; most of them remained nameless and thankless in their valiant effort to bring sick pleasure to their audience. But at least we made money, and money was our only form of comfort.
I love you forever.
A few weeks ago my white boyfriend with whom I have been with for the last three years had found out about a private bdsm gathering dedicated to “the humiliation of asian women by white gods”—that was the name of the gathering. Even when I just heard the name of the gathering being mentioned my heart jumped to my throat, and my boyfriend was expecting to bring me to the event and induct me into this “new society”. The entire week I was restless, anxious, basically a nervous wreck. I couldn’t sleep at night and I couldn’t concentrate on my work and when my clients talked to me I was absent minded. As that Friday approached my heart was knocking at my rib cage nearly every second. I was extremely scared and yet excited beyond the bounds of my endurance—I had always tried to build a facade of order and elegance to hide the sordid tides of my inner life, and to waylay against those secret cravings that I fain would rather never admit in public, the urge, the need, the burning desire to be dominated and humiliated, those sick and unhealthy desires of my sick mind, and now …. My futile struggle against myself. The powerful recurrence of tides within me sought out my own destruction, from without as from within like a thousand natural shocks that my flesh is heir to had thronged and jostled fiercely against my crumbling defense, drowning me again me and again in a sea of sorrow and unfulfilled longings and yet I never die. The shadow of my dreams cast over me as my ultimate humiliation date loomed close, when my real self would be exposed in front of the world
The he car ride was a seasick experience and as we were nearer our destination my flesh burned to appease those fierce longings that were ready to burst out of my chest. I cared little about anything else; my life—a tissue of subterfuge and falsehood without this final realization. At that moment, beside the savage desires which I brooded on for days and nights nothing else mattered.
We went into a gated community and on the private lawn I witnessed the most eerie scene up to that point in my life. There were over hundreds of people, all white men dressed in suits, and next to each white man were naked asian women kneeling by his side. Whereas the white men all wore black suits and were of all shapes and form, some bald, some short, some old and ugly, some young and handsome, some fair haired and bespectacled, some big bellied and moustached; and the asian women, were all naked, young and slender, smiling and kneeling with grace. I felt ashamed and degraded just being there. I am not a cheap asian whore like the rest of them. I went to a prestigious college and worked in finance. But to my white gods, I am just another cheap asian whore eager to be dominated by the master race, the white race of gods.
“We celebrate, in this hour, the founding of our new society. It was only yesteryear that we had our first meeting and yet in just one year we have gained over a thousand new members, world wide. The great conflagration within everyone’s heart had no where to see its exhaustion, so we rejoice once more at the recurrence of this happiest event of this long year’s passing and the commencement of the victory of this night.” A booming voice was overheard over the podium. He was a lanky old man with white hair and stooping shoulders. His face was wrinkled and the drooling skin dropped over the necktie he was wearing. Next to both sides of his were two young beautiful women, both asian, naked and bound in hemp rope, kneeling on the wooden platform, their hands behind their backs, their long silky hair up to heir naked shoulders.
“True, our victory is but trifling, and the day will remain in the ascendant yet a while, but its oppression is breaking, and its weltanschauung and value-judgements in tatters. The night shall fall and a new beginning shall come—night’s victory shall be seen by all.”
As I had just stepped out of our car my boyfriend had violently stripped me out of my dress and pushed me down on my knees, like one drop of urine I merged with that sea of asian women kneeling and crawling on the grass lawn. “A new beginning.”—my flesh melt, thawed and resolved itself into a dew as I heard that phrase. The lanky old man was sanguine and cheerful and he yelled to us: “James!” That’s my boyfriend’s name. “Come over here. I see you brought your girlfriend over. Let her speak.” He was referring to me. I didn’t really think I was going to become the herald of a new beginning. I was just kidding for god’s sake. If I were not kneeling at that moment, I would have knelt down from the weakness of my knees anyway.