180 days of slavery day 4

DAY 4

The next morning she was suddenly awakened by the vibrations in her cunt. her phone was ringing, but she couldn’t get to it to answer. She opened her eyes to see Judy standing over her, with the house phone in her hand.

Judy began undoing all the restraints from Sue and when she was finally free, she stretched to get the kinks out, and then realized that she had a cord hanging out of her cunt and wondered what it was.

Judy saw her puzzled look and said, “Oh, I forgot to tell you. That’s the charging cord for your pussy phone and from now on at night you will plug it in to keep it charged. Wouldn’t want to miss any important phone calls, would we?”

“Now, let’s get you dressed for work,” said Judy, “We are running late, so no time to shower. Here, put this on.”

Judy handed her a small uniform skirt and blouse. It had been altered and the hem only came to three inches below her shaved cunt. Slowly, Sue got dressed and followed Judy out of the house to her car. Judy drove as Sue sat in the passenger seat, staring out the window. “This is only the second day of my six months and already I hate it. Maybe I’ll just get deported like the captain was going to do. China couldn’t be any worse than this.”

She was going to tell the captain she would quit being an informant and go to prison. And then she would go back to China and never come to America again. But the captain had other plans and would give her a good taste of what prison would be like for her. He knew after spending a full day in jail with the inmates, she would change her mind and do anything he wanted.

But, she didn’t know about that yet, as the two girls rode in silence to the police station.

*********

They arrived at the station and Judy parked way in the back of the lot. Sue wanted to ask why she parked back here instead of in her normal parking spot up close, but before she could say anything, Judy said, “OK, cunt, get out and let’s walk. You are going to show off a little for everyone today, so might as well get started early.”

Sue knew better than to argue with her, so she got out. Judy met her in front of the car and began to readjust Sue’s clothes. She unbuttoned the top three buttons of her blouse, causing her little tits to show more. Then, she reached down and pulled her tiny skirt up and rolled the top. This caused the hemline to come just below her cunt.

“That’s better,” said Judy, “now walk and be sure to wiggle that little ass for everyone.”

Sue began to cry, but started walking, shaking her ass like a common street walking whore. She knew all the other officers could see her and knew they stopped to stare.

They entered the station and Sue went to her desk to report herself while Judy went in to see the captain. There was a pile of paperwork on her desk. It was mainly about her being a witness to several Chinese prositutes being arrested. The probabtion officer explained to her that she must stand at trial to point to the defendants so the police can build a case and sentence them to jail. Many of those Chinese prostitutes were her personal friends, but the cops wanted to clean up the city, as directed by the mayor. There has been a huge influx of Chinese prostitutes into this small American city for the past several years and the mayor was pissed. Heavy sentences are being reigned down. Any Chinese prostitute caught soliciting sex will be thrown in jail for seven years, but it was very hard to defend such lengthy charges before the grand jury, so the mayor has directed the police officers to catch a Chinese prostitute, make her work as an informant and accuse those prostitutes of sex trafficking. This way, they would all be thrown in jail and then later deported. The lucky ones, such as Sue Lee, get to stay in America, but she must suffer very painfully at the hand of her captain. Just as Sue was lost in thought, over her ordeal, over the horrible betrayal that she was compelled to do, her pussy phone suddenly vibrated in her cunt and she had to get to it and answer it. Just before the third ring, she pulled it out of her wet hole and said, “Hello!”

“Get your little asian ass in here and show me!” Then the phone went dead.

Sue Lee jumped up and almost forgot to put her phone back. But at the last minute, while standing, she realized she needed to put it in, so she just reached down and shoved it up her pussy. Then she made her way to the Captain’s office. As soon as she entered, Judy left and shut the door. Sue stripped naked and leaned on the desk.

The captain made it a point to be loud, and said, “Spread them, cunt!”

Sue had forgotten how she was supposed to be, but quickly remembered when she heard his rough order. She spread her legs really wide, exposing her tight little asian ass and dripping cunt. The captain walked up behind her and put his hand between her legs. He felt her pussy, sticking his finger inside her. Then, without warning drove his wet finger up her ass.

“AAAAAGH,NOOOO!” cried Sue.

The captain just laughed as he probed her tight little hole and said, “I’ll bet there hasn’t been anything up here before, but that will change soon.” Then he pulled his finger out and once again began to play with her cunt. He ran his fingers around her swollen lips and then up to her clit. He pinched the little bud between his fingers and rubbed it hard.

Sue was about to cum, but suddenly he stopped when he sensed she was ready. He walked away and said, “Get dressed cunt, in these clothes I brought for you. We need to visit the jail today.”

Sue wanted to cum so much she begged: “Please sir, fuck me and make me cum.”

He just laughed harder and said, “No, bitch, not yet. I want you hot enough to fuck whatever I say, so go get dressed.”

Shaking from frustration, she dressed in the clothes he handed to her. A conservative skirt, which came to mid-thigh and a not so sheer blouse that had buttons from top too bottom. She didn’t mind these clothes, since they covered her nicely. As she was dressing, the captain explained some new rules to her.

He said, “From now on, I am the only one that will fuck you, unless I give someone else permission. My cock will be the only one to go into your hot little cunt. And since you are dressed so nicely now, you better  not fuck up. For every time you disobey, hesitate, or fail to complete what I say, you will lose something. It will either be a button or part of your skirt. I’ll decide what you will cut off your nice clothes. Understand!”

“YES, sir,” she stammered, wanting to just run off and fuck the world.

They got to the jail and the captain told the guard that he was going to inspect the prisoners, “And this is our new informant in the prostitution department. She will be assisting me for the next six months to catch more Chinese prostitutes. You just keep this door closed and don’t allow anyone in until we come out. You just turn your back to the door and I’ll make sure you get a good reward when I’m finished.”

The guard said, “Yes, sir, I’ll keep everyone away. How long will you be?”

The captain said, “I don’t really know. I guess it depends on my informant.”

With that, he opened the metal gate and pushed Sue inside. They walked between the cells and the captain finally stopped at one of the cells. He asked the prisoner what he was doing in jail and if he knew who the person next to him was. Sue immediately recognized him. He was a customer of hers and she had acted as a witness in front of the grand jury.

“Yes, sir, this Asian whore tricked me!” replied the man behind the bars.

“Then pull your cock out and stick it through the bars. she’s going to suck you off to make it up. She is now my personal sex slave. She will do anything I say.” Then to Sue the captain said, “Bend over at the waist, don’t use your hands, and suck him off. And be sure to spread them.”

Totally embarrassed and humiliated already, she thought, “Maybe he’ll let them fuck me next. Then, I can cum!” After the captain had played with her in his office, she was so horny, she would have fucked anything, just to cum.

Spreading her legs wide apart, bending from the waist, she found the prisoner’s cock and went down on it. she sucked him off, and when he shot his load down her throat, she gagged and choked. This guy must have  been saving it for a year. He had so much cum, her little mouth couldn’t hold it all and some dribbled out of her mouth and down her chin. As soon as he finished cumming, Sue stood up and started to wipe the cum from her face.  But the captain slapped her hand away and said, “Just leave it right there. It will be good for your complexion and will show everyone what a whore you really are.”

Sue cried, knowing the cum on her face would dry and everyone would see it. She was so embarrassed, but she would found out soon that she would get even more humiliated. The captain said to her, “Now Ms. Sue Lee, thank the man and apologize for testifying against him at the grand jury.”

“But I was—”

“Shut up, and do what you are told!” shouted the captain.

“Thaaaank you and I’m sorry!”

“Not good enough bitch. Now, you will call him ‘Sir’ and do it right. And, from now on, you will call every man you come in contact with ‘Sir’ and every woman, ‘Ma’am’. Is that clear?”

Crying more now, Sue said, “Thank you, Sir, for letting me suck you. And, I am sorry.”

The captain laughed and said, “Much better. Now we need to go. But tell everyone else in here that you’ll be back someday soon to take care of them.”

“Yes, Sir,” she cried, “I’ll be back soon to suck all of you.”

Then the captain said, “Let’s go now. We have lots of work to do today. You need to thank the guard on the way out for not disturbing us.”

They exited the cellblock and got to the guard. The captain said, “Well, thank him and you better tell him what you did, too.”

She didn’t want this guard to know she sucked off an inmate, but she didn’t have any choice, so she said, “Thank you, Sir, for not disturbing us while i sucked off one of the prisoners.” Then she broke down into tears. How humiliating this is, she thought.

The guard looked shocked at what he just heard and saw the captain lean over and whisper into the Sue’s ear. Then, she said, in a very quiet voice. “Sir, may I suck your cock, too?”

The captain laughed and was shaking his head yes to the guard. Knowing he couldn’t get in trouble, the guard said, “Sure, why not!” as he pulled his cock out. Sue bent over and took his cock into her mouth and sucked him. It took a little longer to get him to cum, but finally, he shot his load into her mouth, but just as he started cumming, the captain pulled her head back and most of his cum landed on her face and blouse.

As soon as she recovered, she said, “Sir, may i get cleaned up before we go upstairs?”

“Of course you can, little one,” said the captain, “use your skirt to wipe your face and hurry up.”

Standing before the guard, she reached down to her skirt and brought it to her face to wipe away all the cum. When she did, the guard could see her hairless little cunt and said, “Oh, how cute.”

The captain just laughed and Sue’s face turned red. The captain said, “OK, back up stairs. Lots of work to do today. Stop by my office and get your scissors before going to your desk.”

After getting her scissors, she started walking out the door, but he stopped her. “Cut off two buttons bitch. You took too long to respond twice in the jail.”

Sue just looked at him, staring blankly. She didn’t want to do it. He said, “OK, then three buttons, all from the top.”

Sue snapped out of her daze and quickly cut off three top buttons, not wanting to be ordered to cut off any more. Once they were off, he told her to go to back to her desk. Her blouse was opening more now and glimpses of her little tits could be seen when she walked. She got to her desk and tried to cover her tits as best she could. Judy came by and said hello to her. Sue replied, “Hello Ma’am.” knowing that Judy would tell the captain if she didn’t respond correctly. Judy laughed and went into the captain’s office and closed the door.

Sue wasn’t sure what they were doing, but could guess she was getting fucked by him and wished she could do the same. But she knew he wasn’t going to fuck her, “a worthless chink like me doesn’t deserve to be fucked by such a powerful white man,” Sue thought to herself.

*********

Her pussy phone vibrated in her cunt. “BBBZZZZZ, BBBZZZZZ” It made her jump, since it hadn’t gone off for awhile. She grabbed her skirt and raised it up, then got her hand in her pussy to get the phone out. Before it rang the third time, she said, “Hheelloo.” It was the captain and he said, “You didn’t say “Sir” to that prisoner, so cut one inch from the bottom of your skirt.”

“Bbbbbbbbuuuuuuttttttttt, sir,” stuttered Sue.

“TWO INCHES!” ordered the captain and hung up.

Sue didn’t have any choice now, but to do as she was told. she took the scissors from her desk and reached below it and began to cut. she hoped it was at least even all the way around. She worked carefully and finally got the two inches off.

Once done, the phone buzzed again, but she had forgot to put it back into her pussy. She picked it up and before she could even say hello, the captain said, “In my office cunt! And bring the scissors!”

Sue quickly got up and went to his office. She started to strip in front of him, but he stopped her. “No, I want to look at the job you did and add something extra.”

Sue just stood still as he walked around and noticed she did pretty well at cutting. Then he took the scissors and made a slit up one side of her shortened skirt. He said, “That’s for not putting your phone back in its proper place. Now back to work.”

Sue Lee looked at her clothes and could see that her ass would show when she walked because of the slit. God she hated her life! She thought to herself. She quickly walked back to her desk and sat down, trying to cover up her exposed skin. She was working on all the paper work again and everything was quiet. She remembered to call everyone sir and ma’am, just as she had been told to do. Sue was doing her best to do everything the captain said, even if she hated it.

But the quiet would not last too much longer. her phone rang again. “BBBZZZZZZ, BBBZZZZZ” as it vibrated her cunt. She grabbed it from her pussy and said, “Hello.”

This time it was Judy. she told Sue that she was hungry and wanted her to grab some lunch for her. Sue said, “I’m busy right now Judy, can’t you get someone else?”

A big mistake! The phone went dead and Judy was standing in front of her desk, with a strange glare in her eyes. “Stand up, cunt!” was all she said. Ms. Sue Lee knew she was in trouble once again and tried to apologize. “MMMMmiiiissssttttrressss, i’m sorry, i wasn’t thinking.”

“Too late bitch, now give me your scissors and stand still.”

Sue reluctantly handed her the scissors. Judy took her skirt and cut a big slit up the other side. Now, it looked like she only had a loincloth on. Both sides were split from the bottom all the way to the waistband and she only had a front and back flap to cover her body.

“Now, get out and buy me a ham cheese sanchwich.” ordered Judy.

“Yes, Ma’am,” cried Sue, as she started toward the door, she saw Judy going into the captain’s office again. Sue tried her best to keep the two flaps from separating, but was not very successful doing it. As she walked, her skirt opened up on both sides and anyone looking could see her bare thighs, some of her ass and once in awhile her pussy was even visible.

How she wished her six months of torture would be over, but, this was only the beginning and she knew it would only get worse for her.

*********

Sue thought about everything that had happened so far. She had become a slave to two white police officers and would do anything they desired with her. She didn’t want to be sent back to China, so she had to obey. But, was it worse to be used this way, or spend time in prison and eventually be deported back to China. She had heard about the things that went on in prison and she would end up being a whore for some female, without being free. So, she thought that six months of this had to be better than being sent to prison.

After she brought Judy her lunch and went back to sitting at her desk, her phone vibrated once again inside her pussy. She quickly pulled it out of her pussy and said, “Hello”. This time the captain said, “Lee, we have to interrogate a prisoner that was just brought in. He is a pimp that you might recognize and we need you to identfy him. Meet me in my office in five minutes, and bring the scissors with you.”

He hung up before she could answer him. She looked at her watch and waited until it was time. Slowly she got up and walked to his office, hoping no one saw her nakedness underneath her cut skirt. As she entered his office, he got up and said, “Let’s go to the room.”

They walked together to the opposite end of the hall and entered the interrogation room. The prisoner was seated at the table, waiting for them. He stared at Sue Lee with hatred in his eyes. He immediately recognized her and really hated that this little Asian cunt had made him arrested. He wanted to get back at her, but couldn’t figure out how he would do it. After all, she was now protected by the cops..

The captain asked him his name and some other questions. Then he asked, “Would you like to get back at this little asian whore for getting you arrested?”

“I sure would.”

“OK, then, I think you should get to whip her little ass with my belt. Would you enjoy that?” questioned the captain.

“SSIIRRR, please not that!” cried Sue.

“Another button!” was all the captain said.

Sue knew that she was once again in trouble and quickly reached up with the scissors and snipped off another button from her blouse. Her tits now were very visible to both men in the room.

Once she had complied with the order, the captain said, “Hands on the table, bitch, and spread them!”

Sue had no choice except to obey his commands. she bent over, put her hands on the table and spread her legs wide. Now she was almost ready for what the captain wanted. He reached over to her and flipped the back of her skirt up over her waist, which exposed her naked ass and showed her bald pussy quite well.

Then the captain took off his belt and told the prisoner that he deserved respect from this whore and since he didn’t get it, she would take a whipping from him.

He told Sue, “You will receive fifteen swats with the belt for your discrepancies. Five for each one. That’s for not calling him “Sir”, pushing him into a chair and telling him to shut up. Are you ready?”

“NNNNNooooooo, Sir,” was her reply.

“That’s too bad,” said the captain, “because you are going to get it anyway. Now, I want you to count each time he strikes you and also thank him for it. Then, you will ask for another, until you reach fifteen. Then, you will be nice to him and apologize for sending him to jail and tell him thank you for making you suffer.”

“Yyyyyeeeessssss, Sir,” Sue cried, and waited for her torture to begin.

“Tell him you are ready, slut!” shouted the captain.

“I-I-I’m reeaaaddyyy, Sir,” she stuttered.

With that, she felt the first slap to her naked ass. she jumped and screamed. He was not easy on her and hit her with full force. She heard the captain in the back, laughing at her predicament. However, she didn’t say anything at all.

The captain said, “That one doesn’t count, since you didn’t. Start again!”

The prisoner smacked her ass again, making her jump, but this time she said, “One, thank you Sir, may this chink have another.”

Both men laughed and the prisoner swung again, catching her squarely across both ass cheeks. “Two, thank you Sir, may this chink have another?”

This went on until she had received fourteen and was ready for the last one. But this time, it didn’t hit her on her ass. Instead, he swung up between her legs, catching the belt on her exposed cunt. She yelled in pain and almost passed out. But she knew if she didn’t count, she would get more, so crying, she said, “Fifteen, thank you, Sir, this chink thanks you for her punishment, and for making her suffer.”

Then, she dropped to her knees and grabbed her sore cunt. That last one hurt more than any of them on her ass. She had never been abused this way before, but she did notice that her pussy was extremely wet and aroused and as she grabbed her twat, she also fingered herself. But the captain noticed this and made her stop.

As soon as she had calmed down, he made her stand up and he took the scissors and cut another slit up her skirt. This time straight up the back. She knew when she walked, her ass would be showing and anyone looking would be able to see how red it was.

The captain said, “OK, back to work, cunt. I’ll take the prisoner out of here and put him in his cell. But I am sure you’ll see more of him later.”

Sue walked back to her desk and tried to sit down. Her little ass was on fire and she couldn’t sit. So, she stood at her desk and tried to work. But she had to bend over and when she did, her skirt opened up, exposing her naked red ass. So once again she tried to sit. Oh, it hurt so much. But it was the lesser of two evils. She could either sit on her sore ass or expose it to everyone. She tried not to move around and finally was more comfortable sitting. She got into her work, identifying more pimps and prostitutes, and also johns, but couldn’t concentrate because the pain kept her preoccupied. Finally, the day was almost over for her and she couldn’t wait to get out of there and go home. The captain and Judy had left her alone for awhile now and she hoped they wouldn’t bother her again today. she just wanted to get a nice warm bath and some sleep. But right as her day was over, Judy came by and said, “Sue, darling, we are going to grab something to eat on the way home. Then the captain will meet with us later. I need his cock again so much. You don’t mind if we use your bed again, do you?”

“Nnnnoo, Ma’am,” replied Sue, but her thoughts were not the same as her answer. She was thinking, she didn’t want this cute white bitch anywhere near her, especially in her bed, fucking. But what else could she say.

The captain came out and said, “Sue, go with Judy, get us something to eat and then take her home with you. I’ll be over as soon as I finish here. And don’t give her any trouble.”

“Yes, Sir,” was all she could say.

Judy came back after using the bathroom and as Sue stood up to leave, the captain said, “I think something is missing, don’t you Judy?”

Judy actually looked puzzled this time, and the captain told her that Sue’s skirt didn’t look right. Judy looked at Sue and said, “You are right. Let me fix it for her.” And with that, she took the scissors and cut a slit right up the front, from the bottom all the way to the waistband. Now, she was open in the front and back.

“That’s better,” the captain said, “now run along and I’ll be there soon.”

The two females left the station, with Sue doing her best to cover her nakedness. Judy noticed her doing this and said, “Keep your hands away from your clothes. Just put them behind your back, palm to palm and then walk with that cute little wiggle.”

Sue did as she was told, but hated it.

They walked to Sue’s car and Judy put her in the passenger seat and then got in the driver’s side. Making Sue spread her legs in an obscene way, she drove out of the parking lot. “What would you like to eat, my little susie slut?”

“I don’t care!” snapped Sue.

“Is that anyway to talk to your Mistress, susie slut?” said Judy as she reached across and slapped her face. “Now, cunt, what do you want to eat?”

“Whatever would please you Mistress,” cried Sue.

“Much better. How about some chicken tonight? There’s a KFC just up the road.”

Judy pulled the car into the parking lot and parked a good distance from the entrance. “OK, susie slut, go in and get us three meals. Here’s some money, and if you don’t have enough, you’ll have to find some other way to pay for it. Now move!”

Sue just stared at her and then questioned, “Please, Mistress, please don’t make me go in like this.”

“OK, I won’t,” said Judy and got the scissors out. She cut off the rest of the buttons from her blouse, then tied the ends just below the little asian’s tits.

“Now, you can go. Any more delays and you’ll go naked.”

Crying, Sue got out and started to readjust her blouse, but Judy stopped her. She said, “Leave it alone. I fixed it the way I want it, now move.”

Slowly, Sue headed for the entrance, knowing her cunt, ass, and now her tits were exposed. Shyly she walked into the store and up to the counter. She was placing her order when suddenly she felt her phone going off. Now what could she do? Standing in the store, with others watching, her phone buzzing? If it was the captain, and she didn’t answer she would be in trouble. So she reached
down in front of everyone and dug her phone out of her wet pussy. “Hello!” she answered, frustrated.

“I forgot to tell you that the captain wants dessert too. Get him one of those pies.” said Judy and then hung up.

Turning a bright red, she ordered everything, put her phone back and waited. she was afraid to look at anyone and just kept her head focused on the floor. The order came back and she was told how much it came to. As luck would have it, Judy had given her just enough to pay for everything. She gathered up the dinner and carried it all back to the car. As she walked, unable to hold her skirt down, the flaps kept sliding back and forth, exposing her. Then just as she was getting close to the car, a gust of wind blew her skirt straight up. She was totally naked for a moment, and couldn’t pull it down with her hands full.

Finally, she arrived back at the car, and got in. Judy said, “Very good, susie slut, now let’s get home to wait for the captain. I want and need his cock so much. God, I’m horny.”

The rest of the ride home was without incident and soon, Sue found herself in the safe confines of her house. Well, at least safe from the outside world. She would never be safe from Judy and the captain.

The captain arrived shortly after that and they all ate. They even let Sue eat with them like a normal person, but would not allow her to talk. As they ate, the two of them talked about how much they wanted to fuck and in what positions they would like to try. Judy said, “I’ve always wanted to be fucked and eaten at the same time. I hear it is quite a turn on and can make a girl cum so much. Think we can do that Captain?”

“I do believe we can Judy, that is if you don’t mind our little asian cunt eating you while I fuck you,” the captain replied.

Sue just sat quietly, not wanting to anger either of them, but definitely didn’t want to eat that white bitch’s cunt while he fucked her.

Author: inferiorasian

I have been a very confused—some might say very conflicted—girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making. I was born in Japan, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother or my grandmother was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York. I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so, sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am. Physically I look more European than asian. My father is of mixed heritage—he has white blond hair, but he also has some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that really bothered me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of asians. My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to him naked on her knees or being tied to an utility pole only in her panties during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she had found a man who understood her desires and could give them to her. My dad studied and worked in America before, and during that period he desperately wanted to marry a white woman, and vehemently pursued several white women, but was unsuccessful. At the same time Japanese women were unwilling to marry him. Maybe because just like him they were looking to marry into the white race, or maybe because he had sadistic tendencies. Out of options he settled to look for a Chinese woman. Statistically, marriages between Chinese women and Japanese men have been quite common, and I personally knew quite a few couples just like my mother and father. Even here in America I knew several Chinese women who had Japanese boyfriends and those women were actually quite proud of having superior Japanese men as boyfriends. Japanese in general look much more European compared to other asians and I suspect it was the putative European appearance that attracts other asian women. Of course Japanese are not Europeans, no matter how much we try to become European, just as Jews will never be fully accepted as White Christians. I think Jews and Japanese have a lot in common. We were both persecuted by Europeans, the Jews by Germans, and Japanese by Americans, yet we both come to love our white Masters. Jews weren't officially considered white until very recently, and I think as time progresses eventually Japanese will be categorized as white in the future, though Jews and Japanese will always know that they are still inferior to their Nordic Masters. But as always the Jews will be Masters over the Arabs and the Japanese will be Masters over the rest of Asia. There is no other meaning to life, other than the degree of domination. I had an older sister who looked fully asian, as opposed to me who looked much more European. And ever since childhood I have always known for a fact that I was treated better by everyone else because of my distinctly European appearance. In school classmates would be hesitant to tease me because they always thought my father might be an American or an European man even though they knew my mother was Chinese but somehow they still were afraid of me solely because of my European appearance. The thing was that in Japanese naming system, my mother's last name automatically gets attached to mine, so for example, my name in Japanese would actually be "Suzuki Liu Jennifer", because my mother's maiden name is Liu; this way everyone would instantly know my mother is Chinese. On the other hand my sister was bullied almost everyday by upper classmates because she looked very Chinese. They made fun of her hair and clothes and told her that she looked like a Chinese pig and I had seen boys pulling down her pants and laughing at her for having a "Chinese vagina". I was a very young girl back then and I felt ashamed of having her as a sister so in school I didn't talk to her at all. When I was 12 years old, she committed suicide by hanging herself in her closet. I know this because I was the one who discovered her body. My parents would have never told me about her death if I did not saw her dead body by myself. And ever since her death a dark cloud formed over my head and throughout my teenager years I was constantly harrowed by thoughts of suicide. It was not until I was much older that I learned suicide is infectious and that had been why I was constantly thinking about suicide. The realization made me try not to think too much about death, but no matter how much I try I can never get her image out of my head. Sometimes I feel she still haunts me because I didn't talk to her in school. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I went to live with my mom in China for two years. Contrary to popular beliefs, I had never experienced any form of racism or discrimination against me when I was living in China. Most people assumed that I was an European girl and the aura of being European seemed to make me inapproachable, like the shield of Athena covering me from head to toe. Even when I was in school, when classmates would know my father was Japanese because of my last name, I had never really felt any discrimination, though I did feel they were kind of afraid of me. I had never realized how much being White meant until I was in America: the symbol of power, domination, and superiority that being White implies. Being White is being the entelechy of all that is beautiful, good and righteous. Which is strange because my nationality still is, in actuality, Japanese and as I grew older I started to look more asian. My hair has gotten completely dark and my looks started to resemble my mother's. I used to have very light-colored hair, but I just felt fortunate that I do not look fully asian like my sister was. When I saw this image [of a naked asian woman kneeling next to a black furred dog] in a Japanese SM magazine a few days ago, all of a sudden I remembered seeing my mother in a similar position when I was maybe just 5 or 6 years old. It was not a pleasant experience; it was an extremely scary and traumatic experience, and growing up I heard constant moaning and muffled screams coming from my parents' bedroom. Every evening was a nightmare to fall asleep. But knowing that many asian women were treated the same way as my mother had been treated somehow made me feel better about my own family. At least my parents were not as weird as they seemed, and while growing up I had gradually come to realize that many asian girls have the same masochistic tendencies as I do, but many were just very shy and wouldn't admit their secrets. So it seems there are many masochistic asian women out there who thrives on been humiliated and degraded just like the girl in this image; I don't know why but this image made me feel kind of normal. I have lived in the States for nearly ten years now and I have not talked to my parents, who had divorced, for several years, especially to my mother whom I had some very severe arguments with over the years, especially when she remarried after she went back to China. I was more fond of my father though I haven't really talked to him that much either because he too had remarried. Despite all the mean things I had said about my dad, he was always very gentle with me and never beat me. He beat my sister and my mother but never me and I suspect he was much more gentle with me because of my more European looks. I felt their divorce was a punishment for me, as if they had abandoned me and I never felt comfortable with either of them or their new spouses, whether it be in China or in Japan. My mother's new husband was a very cruel and domineering white man living in China and he never treated me with the same special treatment I received from my dad. And I remember one time when I went out with him people on the street mistook me for his wife and I felt so disgusted I never wanted to go out with him again and then he would yell at me and yell at my mom. I am glad to have gotten out of there. And my dad ... well let's just say I couldn't bear to coexist with his new wife either. The last time we talked was already 3 years ago. This image had brought back so many long forgotten yearnings. I miss my sister and my parents. The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears. Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put. My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you.

One thought on “180 days of slavery day 4”

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