180 days of slavery day 9


The next morning, Sue was awakened when she was touched on her pussy. She opened her eyes and saw the captain and Judy standing around her, the captain was checking her lock and rings. she was stiff and hoped they would let her up soon. “Glad to see you awake slut,” said the captain. “We have to get to work soon, but before I leave, there are some things I need to explain.”

“And you better listen good, susie, or you’ll be in big troubl,.” added Judy.

The captain continued, “Now, as you might have guessed, I didn’t weld those rings into your pussy lips, which means they can be removed.”

Sue had hopes now, knowing they could be taken out, and planned to do so as soon as she was alone. They couldn’t keep her pussy locked up forever.

“But if you take them out,” said the captain, “a couple of things will happen. First, I’ll take you to a doctor that I know real well and have him install a permanent zipper on your lips, which will be locked. He will do it for me since I let him off the hook a few years ago when he was caught performing illegal abortions. He owes me.”

Sue stared blankly at him. No one could put a zipper on a cunt. Or could they? She had never heard of this before, but was sure the captain could get it done.

“And secondly,” he continued, “I’ll bring your little sister here and make her into a whore, just like you are.”

Sue started crying. Why had she ever told anyone about her family? Especially her little sister Lili. She was innocent and Sue didn’t want her being taken, to be made into a sex slave like she is, in order to help support her family.

“PPPPlllllleeeaaasssseeee, Sir, don’t do that to my sister. she is so young and innocent. Please!” cried Sue, the tears running down her cheeks.

“I won’t do either as long as you do as you are told. You leave that pussy locked up and everything will stay just as it is. You unlock it and I’ll do what I said. Understand cunt!”

“Yyyyyeeeesssss ,Sir,” she cried.

“Good, now I have to get to work. Judy has your clothes laid out on your bed. She’ll untie you so you can clean up and get dressed for work. I’ll see you at the police station,” he said as he walked out of the house. Judy untied her and let her get up. Her knees were weak and she was stiff all over. She had a hard time walking to the little bathroom to shower and shave. Once she had finished getting clean, she went to her new little bedroom and saw the clothes on the bed. It was her skirt and blouse. Nothing else, except her shoes. she quickly put them on and noticed they had been altered. The blouse had been taken in so it was extremely tight on her and the skirt had been fixed so the hemline was just below her cunt. She even thought the lock dangling from her cunt lips could be seen if she walked. How could she wear something like this to work? She found Judy in the kitchen and pleaded with her. “Please, Mistress,” she begged, “please don’t make me wear this to work. Everyone will think i am a slut and might even see my locked up pussy. Please let me wear something else.”

“No, you will wear what I give you and nothing else,” said Judy as she finished her coffee. “Now, let’s get to work.”

They got into the car, with Judy driving, and headed for work. As they were driving, Judy said, “susie, I am sorry, but I didn’t give you time to eat. Would you like to stop for breakfast?”

“Yes, Ma’am, i am hungry, but could we just go through a drive through,” said Sue.

“Maybe,” said Judy, as she continued to drive. Suddenly she pulled into a restaurant, but it didn’t have a drive up window. She said, “OK, slut, here is five bucks, go in and get your breakfast.”

“Please, Ma’am, let’s go to a drive up instead,” begged Sue, “i can’t go in like this. Please!”

“No, if you don’t get out right now and go get breakfast, I’ll strip you naked and then you can go in,” said Judy. “And if I have to do that, you’ll stay naked for the rest of the day.”

Sue was crying, not wanting to be out in public like this, but she knew Judy would do just what she said, so she got out of the car and went into the restaurant to get her breakfast. She knew she looked like a hooker, but she managed to get the breakfast quickly and get back to the car. As she ate on the way to the station, all was silent until they got to the police station and walked inside. Just inside the door was a large poster that said, “Halloween costume party. Saturday Night. Patrols cut to minimum so everyone can attend. COSTUMES will be worn!”

Judy saw it and exclaimed, “Look, susie, we can dress you up and take you out Saturday night. I think your new role as a slut slave will be perfect!”

Sue just hung her head, knowing that between Judy and the captain, she would be so humiliated in front of everyone. All the other cops that knew her would see just how much of a slut they had made her. Judy walked with her to the captain’s office and entered. Sue knew she should strip for them, but decided to stay dressed as long as she could. Even though she didn’t have a lot on, at least it covered most of her private areas. The captain was sitting at his desk and looked up, saying, “chink whore lee, we are going on patrol today. Just you and me. So, I need you to get the car ready.”

“Yes, Sir,” she said as she headed out to the garage.

Sue got all the necessary items ready and loaded them into the car, then checked it over, making sure it was full of gas. As she was finishing the inspection, the captain appeared and said, “Ready to go?”

“Yes, Sir, it is,” replied Sue.

They got in the car with the captain driving. He left the garage and headed onto the street. He had decided to make her feel like a true slut whore today and headed for a sleazy section of town. He knew there would be some bums wandering around and would take advantage of them and of her.

As he drove, he explained her role today. “You will obey me in everything I say, no matter what it may be. And remember, if you fuck up, I know where your sister is.”

Sue cried harder now, knowing that if she didn’t do what he wanted, her little innocent sister would be dragged into his games. She didn’t want this and decided that she would do as she was told, at least for today. He drove through the town and turned into a street known to have some really sleazy people walking around. Most of them were homeless and dirty. He spotted an older white man walking down the street and followed behind him until the man turned into an alleyway. Perfect, thought the captain and pulled into the alley behind him. He turned on his lights and using the PA system in his cruiser, he told the man to stop. The man didn’t know what to do, so he stopped and turned toward the police officer. The captain motioned him over to the car and spoke to him. Sue didn’t hear what he said at first, since the captain spoke very low. But then he spoke louder and she heard him ask the man, “How would you like to have your cock sucked today?”

The dirty old man said, “Uuuuhhhh, yea, sure.”

Then the captain turned to Sue and said, “Well, whore, time to earn your pay. Get out in front of the car and strip for me, then get on your knees.”

“Bbbbbbbuuuuutttt, Sir,” she cried, “i can’t do that!”

“OK, I’ll make a call and your sister will do it soon!” said the captain.

Sue cried and got out. she went to the front of the car and removed her little uniform, then got on her knees. She heard the captain say, “OK, fella, go get your cock sucked.”

The man walked up to Sue and pulled his dick out of his pants and aimed it at Sue’s mouth. He pushed it toward her lips. She could smell the pissy odor on him and almost gagged, but not wanting to get her sister in trouble, she opened her mouth and took his dirty cock into her mouth and started sucking. “God, how nasty this is. His cock is so dirty and i can’t imagine what his cum
will be like,” she thought to herself as she sucked on him. It didn’t take very long and the man stiffened and pushed his cock deep into her throat. He was cumming in her mouth and it tasted so bad she almost puked. But she didn’t and was able to swallow it all. The man pulled his cock from her mouth and put it back into his dirty pants and started to leave, but the captain stopped him. “Chink whore lee, thank the good man for letting you suck him,” he said.

“Ttthhhhannnkkk you, Sir, for leting me sssuuccck your cooccckkk,” she cried.

The man said, “You are welcome and you can do that anytime.” Then he walked away leaving Sue on her knees.

Just as she was about to get up, another man walked into the alley and saw her there. This one wasn’t quite as dirty, but she could tell he was still a bum. The captain leaned out of the window and said, “Since you have been seen like this, slut, suck him off, too.”

God how she hated him for this, but she had no choice but to humiliate herself once again or risk the chance of getting her sister in trouble. So she pulled his cock out and started sucking it too. He came in her mouth very quickly and she was forced to swallow his load.

Then the captain said, “Now, slut, show him your cunt!”

Sue turned bright red as she stood up and pushed her cunt out. The man laughed as he saw the lock on it, but had a puzzled look. the captain told her to tell him why it was like this.

Sue cringed and said, “This asian cunt is locked up because i disobeyed my white master. It is his cunt and i fucked someone else, so he locked it up.” She was crying and very humiliated now.

The man turned and walked away, laughing. The captain told her to get up and get dressed since he had some other stops to make before going back to the police station.

Sue quickly got dressed and got back into the car. she said, “Captain, Sir, that was not right. How do i know they don’t have a disease.”

“You don’t, slut, but that’s the chance asian sluts like you have to take. Now shut up!” said the captain.

The captain made a few more stops, but always left Sue in the car by herself. She had no idea what he was doing, but she was sure she wasn’t going to like it.
Once he returned to the car, he always put something in the trunk. After his last stop, he headed back to the station to see if Judy had all the preparations made for Saturday night.


Getting back to the station, the two went inside and Sue had to get the paperwork caught up before they could go home. She heard others talking about the party, discussing their costumes and laughing about some of them. Sue still didn’t know how she would be dressed, or even if they would allow her to get dressed. She just hoped it wouldn’t humiliate her too much. Judy came by and said, “susie, I think the captain is about ready to leave, so why don’t you go to the car and wait for us.”

Sue put her things away and got up to walk out, but just as she was going by the Captain’s door she was stopped. Judy said, “While you are waiting for us, susie slut, I expect you to find a cock to suck. Don’t take long finding one, since we’ll be right out.”

And the captain added, “Don’t try to hide either. Just suck someone right there
by the car!”

Sue turned red with shame. How could she suck a cock in the police station parking lot without being seen? She didn’t reply to them, just walked out to the car. She noticed that they could watch her from the window in the captain’s office and knew if she didn’t do what she was told, she would get in trouble. And she also figured they wouldn’t come out until she was on her knees sucking someone’s cock.

Getting to the car, she felt lucky, because Allen was just getting ready to leave too. He said, “Hi, Sue!”

“Hi, Allen, can i ask you something?” she said.

He came over to the car where Sue was standing and said, “Sure, chink whore, anything.”

Then Sue got all red in the face, knowing this was going to be hard, but she had to do it and since he had fucked her once, sucking his cock would be easy. However, it wouldn’t be easy right here in the lot. she said to him, “Allen, ccccaaannnnn i ssuucckk you?”

He didn’t know what to say at first, but then said, “Sure, let’s find a place to go.”

Totally embarrassed, she said, “No, right here, right now.”

“But someone will see you doing it and you’ll get in trouble and I probably will too,” he said.

But she was already on her knees in front of him, unzipping his uniform pants, pulling out his cock. Once she had it out and in her mouth, he really couldn’t do anything but stand there and allow his chink whore to suck him off. The captain and Judy watched her doing it and then went outside. Allen saw them approaching and tried to push Sue away, but she kept him right in her mouth and wouldn’t let him move.

The other two came up to them and the captain said, “chink whore, what are you

she didn’t remove her mouth from Allen’s cock, but managed to roll her eyes up to the captain, pleading with him to let her stop, but he just laughed when he saw the humiliated look on her face and said, “Oh, I see. You are sucking a cock. Good little girl. Don’t worry rookie, she does this a lot.”

Just about that time, Allen pushed all the way into her throat and shot his heavy load down her throat. As soon as he was done, he pulled out and stuffed his shrinking dick back into his pants and tried to leave. But the captain said, “Wait a minute, she has something else to show you!”

Allen followed the captain’s orders, just stood there, wondering what was going on. He didn’t want to disobey an order from a superior, but didn’t want to be there with them, either.

“Stand up, chink whore,” ordered the captain. She stood and then he said, “Now, show him what is under your skirt and tell him why it is like that.”

“PPPpppppppllllleeeeaaassseee, Sir, not that!” she begged.

“SHOW HIM!” he yelled.

Startled, she raised her skirt up to expose her locked cunt. She couldn’t look at Allen and just held her head down in shame, and the tears rolled down her cheeks.

“Now, tell him why!” ordered the captain.

Allen was looking at her pussy, seeing the tiny lock hanging from the rings in her lips. He was dumbfounded and couldn’t say anything.

“Bbbbbeeecccaauuse i fucked you!” she cried.

“I don’t understand,” said Allen. “Why would you have your pussy locked up like that just because we fucked?”

“Tell him, slut!” ordered the captain.

“i was told not to fuck anyone, but i was so horny, i fucked you,” cried Sue, “Now, he has my cunt locked up and won’t release me unless he wants to.”

The captain laughed and said, “You see, rookie, she is my slut whore and will do what I say. But she disobeyed when she allowed you to fuck her. Now, she is locked up so no one can use that juicy asian cunt except me.”

“Oh,” was all Allen could say.

The captain told him he could leave and hoped he would be at the party, because he might get some more if he attended. And also said, “Don’t worry about your girlfriend. she’s in good hands.”

Allen almost ran away, not knowing what was happening, but didn’t really want any part of it, but he also liked fucking Sue and she did give good blowjobs.
Maybe he would attend the costume party.

The other three got into the car and headed home. The ride home was quiet, but as soon as they arrived, the captain ordered Sue out of the car and into the house. Once inside, Judy said, “OK susie slut, strip!”

Sue removed her clothes and stood before them naked. How she hated doing this, but she didn’t want the alternatives to happen. So she complied with their wishes.

As soon as she was naked, the captain said, “Shit, I forgot to get the things out of the trunk. Sue, be a sweet little slut and go get them.” Sue started to put some clothes back on, but was stopped. the captain said, “No, get them just like that.”

It was still daylight outside and Sue knew she would probably be seen, since it was quitting time for everyone and there was a lot of traffic. She tried to convince him to let her put something on, but he wouldn’t budge. He said, “You either go like that, or I’ll make sure your little sister is at
the party tomorrow night!”

Sue hung her head in shame and headed for the door. There was no way she was going to allow her sister to be used by these evil white people. So she went to the car, naked. Opening the trunk, she grabbed bags, hoping she could get them all. But it seemed there were more than she expected and that she would have to make a second trip.

It was on her second trip to the car that she heard the horn. she looked up to see a car full of young white boys stopped right beside the captain’s car. They were all hanging out of the windows and shouting. The driver kept blowing the horn. Sue started to go back into the house, but was stopped by the captain. He said, “I told you to get the things from the car, now move it!”

“Bbbuuuuuttttt, Sir, there are boys out there watching,” Sue cried.

“I don’t care who sees you. Do what I said,” demanded the captain.

Sue slowly turned back around and started walking toward the car. The boys were still watching and shouting crude remarks toward her. As she got to the car and reached in the trunk to get the last of the bags, the captain stepped up beside her.

He looked at the boys and said, “How would you like to get your cocks sucked
tonight, boys?”

“NO, Sir,” cried Sue.

The boys all looked at him and said, “Hell, yes!”

“Come on over her then,” said the captain. “susie, get on your knees!” The boys jumped out of the car and walked toward Sue, who was now on her knees. The boys couldn’t believe this was happening, but had started pulling their cocks out anyway.

The captain said, “OK, now, one at a time, feed my little asian cunt your cock. She’ll suck you all until you cum and swallow every drop you have. If you don’t want her sucking your cock, then you can fuck her in the ass. I would let you fuck her cunt, but it is kind of locked up right now. So, enjoy. susie, when they get done, get the rest of the bags and bring them in.”

She knew she had to do it, so as the first boy stepped up. She took his hard white cock in her mouth and began to suck. She wanted to get all of them done quickly and get back into the house. But the first one seemed to take forever. He face-fucked her for a long time and finally stiffened and shot his load down her throat, forcing her to swallow.

The next one stepped up for his blowjob and shoved his cock into her mouth. He also face- fucked the little naked asian until he shot his load. Then the third one stepped up, but as she was about to take his cock into her mouth he said, “NO, I want your ass!”

Sue cried, knowing it would be painful in her ass. She had been fucked there before at the jail, and she knew it would hurt. The boy grabbed the lock in her ear, pulling her up, and then forcing her to bend over, and without any lubrication, he drove his large white cock all the way in. Then he just fucked her without caring for her pain or need. He fucked her hard, deep and fast until he shot a huge load of cum deep inside her bowels. Then he pulled out and the fourth boy stepped up and shoved his cock down her throat. He fucked her mouth for a short time and then filled it with his cum.

Sue hated doing this, but her cunt was dripping with juices, running down her naked legs. Why did her cunt betray her like this? she hated being an asian slut, but loved it at the same time. It seemed her cunt was thinking more and more for her all the time.

The boys thanked her for the good time, got in there car and left her standing there naked, with cum running from her mouth and tortured ass. She quickly grabbed the rest of the bags and ran into the house.

Once in the house, Judy and Ron both laughed at how she looked, with cum on her face and running out of her ass, along with her cunt dripping her juicy moisture. She was told to get a shower and then they would try on her outfit for the party.

Sue got into the shower and washed away the awful feeling she had. But it still wasn’t enough to cleanse her heart, since she felt it was wrong to be like this. She cleaned up, dried off and returned to the living room.


As Sue was looking at all the items on the table, the captain told her, “you are going to the party as our little slave girl. you will wear whatever we put on you and you won’t complain. At the party, you’ll look and act just like a slave and will perform your duties without question.”

“Yes, Sir,” replied Sue, feeling confident that they wouldn’t make her do the things they had done to her already. Or at least she hoped not. Judy said, as she picked up one of the items, “Now, let’s try all of this on, so we know it fits and what you look like.”

Judy had Sue kneel before her and she slipped a nice shiny choker around her neck. It was the kind that when the end is pulled, it tightens. Sue felt the coldness of the metal on her neck and felt the weight as it hung down. The captain said, “Mmmm, that looks nice on the slut. Maybe we’ll just leave it on forever. Now, let’s try the leash.”

Judy picked the leash up from the table and examined it. She said, “How do you want it on her?”

The captain laughed and said, “Well, let’s thread it through the loop on the choker and then bring it down to attach it to her cunt lock.”

Judy took the end and started pushing it through the loop until it reached her cunt. Then, she SNAPPED the clip to her cunt lock. Sue felt it CLICK into place and also felt the additional weight pulling on her lips. The captain stood up and took the other end of the leash and pulled. Sue wasn’t
expecting this and yelled, “OOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW, it hurts!”

“It is supposed to, slut,” the captain replied. “This way we can get your attention real quick and when you are dressed, no one else will know how it is connected to your pussy.”

“Can we take her for a walk with it?” asked Judy.

“Sure,” said the captain, “that’s why I bought it extra long. Why don’t you try it out?”

Judy took the leash and pushed Sue down so she was on all fours. Then she tugged the leash, which tightened the choker and pulled her pussy lips toward her belly. If she didn’t move at all, the pulling would either choke her or tear her pussy lips. She had no choice except to follow. Judy walked around the room with her new little pet, pulling on the leash to make Sue do anything she wanted. She walked faster which made Sue crawl as fast as she could so she didn’t get hurt. Both Judy and Ron laughed at her predicament, knowing that when they went to the party, Sue would behave. Bringing her back to the captain, Judy picked up the next item. She looked at them and questioned, “What are these things?” The captain said, “Let me show you. Stand up cunt!”

Sue stood up, feeling better than on her hands and knees. He pulled out the key to her pussy lock and released it. Then he said, “These are called Ben Wa balls and they lodge themselves inside her cunt. When she walks or moves, they also move inside her. Supposed to keep her in a constant state of arousal and from what I hear, will not allow her to cum.”

Judy laughed as she took the two balls and pushed them inside Sue’s dripping cunt. As soon as they were inside, she closed the lock and said, “Now, she can’t get them out and she’ll walk around dripping all the time. I like that!” To prove how they worked, Judy took the leash and led Sue to the opposite side of the room and back again. By the time they returned, Sue was panting like she was a bitch in heat. The combination of the balls and the constant tug on her cunt made her so hot. Her pussy was flowing like a river now, with juices running down the insides of both legs.

“OK, now let’s get her tied up for the night so we can go fuck,” said the Captain, “I am so horny from all of this. We’ll put the rest together tomorrow before the party.”

Judy picked up some other items and lead her into the bedroom. She put Sue on the bed and then handcuffed her hands behind her back. Next came the shackles for her feet which consisted of an ankle cuff for each foot, connected together by a short chain. Then, Judy connected her hands and feet together, drawing her feet up under her body. By doing this, her locked up pussy was on full display. It would have been wide open if it hadn’t been locked shut. Satisfied the little slut wouldn’t go anyplace, Judy turned to leave. But before she left, she ran her finger nails over Sue’s swollen pussy and clit. Sue wanted to cum, but just as she was about to climax, Judy stopped and left her all alone.

Sue cried herself to sleep with the sounds of Judy fucking Ron in her big bed echoing in her head.

Author: jennifer suzuki

I have been a very confused—some might say very conflicted—girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making. I was born in Japan, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother or my grandmother was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York. I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so, sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am. Physically I look more European than asian. My father is of mixed heritage—he has white blond hair, but he also has some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that really bothered me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of asians. My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to him naked on her knees or being tied to an utility pole only in her panties during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she had found a man who understood her desires and could give them to her. My dad studied and worked in America before, and during that period he desperately wanted to marry a white woman, and vehemently pursued several white women, but was unsuccessful. At the same time Japanese women were unwilling to marry him. Maybe because just like him they were looking to marry into the white race, or maybe because he had sadistic tendencies. Out of options he settled to look for a Chinese woman. Statistically, marriages between Chinese women and Japanese men have been quite common, and I personally knew quite a few couples just like my mother and father. Even here in America I knew several Chinese women who had Japanese boyfriends and those women were actually quite proud of having superior Japanese men as boyfriends. Japanese in general look much more European compared to other asians and I suspect it was the putative European appearance that attracts other asian women. Of course Japanese are not Europeans, no matter how much we try to become European, just as Jews will never be fully accepted as White Christians. I think Jews and Japanese have a lot in common. We were both persecuted by Europeans, the Jews by Germans, and Japanese by Americans, yet we both come to love our white Masters. Jews weren't officially considered white until very recently, and I think as time progresses eventually Japanese will be categorized as white in the future, though Jews and Japanese will always know that they are still inferior to their Nordic Masters. But as always the Jews will be Masters over the Arabs and the Japanese will be Masters over the rest of Asia. There is no other meaning to life, other than the degree of domination. I had an older sister who looked fully asian, as opposed to me who looked much more European. And ever since childhood I have always known for a fact that I was treated better by everyone else because of my distinctly European appearance. In school classmates would be hesitant to tease me because they always thought my father might be an American or an European man even though they knew my mother was Chinese but somehow they still were afraid of me solely because of my European appearance. The thing was that in Japanese naming system, my mother's last name automatically gets attached to mine, so for example, my name in Japanese would actually be "Suzuki Liu Jennifer", because my mother's maiden name is Liu; this way everyone would instantly know my mother is Chinese. On the other hand my sister was bullied almost everyday by upper classmates because she looked very Chinese. They made fun of her hair and clothes and told her that she looked like a Chinese pig and I had seen boys pulling down her pants and laughing at her for having a "Chinese vagina". I was a very young girl back then and I felt ashamed of having her as a sister so in school I didn't talk to her at all. When I was 12 years old, she committed suicide by hanging herself in her closet. I know this because I was the one who discovered her body. My parents would have never told me about her death if I did not saw her dead body by myself. And ever since her death a dark cloud formed over my head and throughout my teenager years I was constantly harrowed by thoughts of suicide. It was not until I was much older that I learned suicide is infectious and that had been why I was constantly thinking about suicide. The realization made me try not to think too much about death, but no matter how much I try I can never get her image out of my head. Sometimes I feel she still haunts me because I didn't talk to her in school. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I went to live with my mom in China for two years. Contrary to popular beliefs, I had never experienced any form of racism or discrimination against me when I was living in China. Most people assumed that I was an European girl and the aura of being European seemed to make me inapproachable, like the shield of Athena covering me from head to toe. Even when I was in school, when classmates would know my father was Japanese because of my last name, I had never really felt any discrimination, though I did feel they were kind of afraid of me. I had never realized how much being White meant until I was in America: the symbol of power, domination, and superiority that being White implies. Being White is being the entelechy of all that is beautiful, good and righteous. Which is strange because my nationality still is, in actuality, Japanese and as I grew older I started to look more asian. My hair has gotten completely dark and my looks started to resemble my mother's. I used to have very light-colored hair, but I just felt fortunate that I do not look fully asian like my sister was. When I saw this image [of a naked asian woman kneeling next to a black furred dog] in a Japanese SM magazine a few days ago, all of a sudden I remembered seeing my mother in a similar position when I was maybe just 5 or 6 years old. It was not a pleasant experience; it was an extremely scary and traumatic experience, and growing up I heard constant moaning and muffled screams coming from my parents' bedroom. Every evening was a nightmare to fall asleep. But knowing that many asian women were treated the same way as my mother had been treated somehow made me feel better about my own family. At least my parents were not as weird as they seemed, and while growing up I had gradually come to realize that many asian girls have the same masochistic tendencies as I do, but many were just very shy and wouldn't admit their secrets. So it seems there are many masochistic asian women out there who thrives on been humiliated and degraded just like the girl in this image; I don't know why but this image made me feel kind of normal. I have lived in the States for nearly ten years now and I have not talked to my parents, who had divorced, for several years, especially to my mother whom I had some very severe arguments with over the years, especially when she remarried after she went back to China. I was more fond of my father though I haven't really talked to him that much either because he too had remarried. Despite all the mean things I had said about my dad, he was always very gentle with me and never beat me. He beat my sister and my mother but never me and I suspect he was much more gentle with me because of my more European looks. I felt their divorce was a punishment for me, as if they had abandoned me and I never felt comfortable with either of them or their new spouses, whether it be in China or in Japan. My mother's new husband was a very cruel and domineering white man living in China and he never treated me with the same special treatment I received from my dad. And I remember one time when I went out with him people on the street mistook me for his wife and I felt so disgusted I never wanted to go out with him again and then he would yell at me and yell at my mom. I am glad to have gotten out of there. And my dad ... well let's just say I couldn't bear to coexist with his new wife either. The last time we talked was already 3 years ago. This image had brought back so many long forgotten yearnings. I miss my sister and my parents. The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears. Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put. My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you. A family dog Growing up, I always felt lonely. My family dog was my only companion. He was a slightly larger than a medium sized dog, with grey and dark fur, and a nozzle that resembled a wolf. He was so cute, so adorable, and he was my only friend. I often played with him in my desperate attempts to communicate with another living being, like Madame Bovary sitting by her fire place in a melancholic longing for escape. I want out!, out of this nonchalant prison of thoughts, out of this cruel alienated society, out of these mind forged manacles whose clanking I hear like looming madness; the marks of domestication on their faces, marks of psychological slavery, marks of intellectual death; they are mere automatons, inanimate objects, so lifeless like straw men, hollow men, stuffed men. I can't bare to look at those miserable beings' faces. In a domesticated dog I see more humanity than the entire humanity. If only my family dog can take me away! And I will elope with him to a happy place, where there is no more sorrow, no more dread, no more cold metallic prison walls of the mind. My family dog was my only friend, and he was my only confidante. To him I entrusted all my deepest secrets. Sometimes I wished I was a dog: no more worries, no more sadness, no more consciousness, no more thoughts, just the need to satisfy my most basic instincts, lying by my owner's feet, worshiping him and completely dependent on him. Sometimes I wish I could have another dog just like the family dog I used to have in Japan. And he will be my husband. I will belong to him. I will be his bitch. I will obey him, crawl under his belly, gently caress his furs with my soft hands, and please him like I would please my husband. And he will be my beast and I will be his beauty. Albeit he will be a gentle beast, always so obedient to me, and yet always so much more aggressive, and animalistic; he will protect me from harm, with his sharp fangs and naturally endowed muscles for chasing down his prey; and yet he will honor me and obey me like a lover would. He will never be jealous, never be angry, as long as he is fed and watered. He will be my best friend.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: