Adopted Asian Daughter Chapter 10

Chapter 10

 

Chad and Cindy watched for the next hour or so as Ben and Jack had their way with the now half-crazed girl. At one point Cindy said she couldn’t watch any more. Chad made her. Cindy was crying by the time it was over. Chad was hard. So hard that he took Melanie once more before they let her go. In the ass. “What now, Chad?” Cindy said. She had to know what was going to happen to her now that Chad had gone through all the girls in her clique. Would he be satisfied? Would he let her off the hook? She didn’t think so. She had a terrible feeling that things were only going to get worse for her. But she had to know.

“I’ll think about it,” Chad said.

 

# # # # # # # # # # # #

 

“Hey, man,” Raymond’s friend Bill Talbot said. “When are we gonna get another bathroom session with that Jenna chick? I’m really looking forward to doing that again.”

Raymond was not in a good mood. He was angry and frustrated at no longer being allowed access, even occasionally, to any of the Asian women in his father’s house, and he didn’t see anything he could do to change his father’s mind.

“You’re not,” he said shortly. “Forget it.”

“How come? Man, that was really–”

“Hey, can’t you hear?” Raymond burst out. “I said forget it, for Chrissake! That’s it, over and out, okay?”

Bill stared at him. “Jeez, what got into you?”

“Nothing. I got a class.” And he turned to walk away.

Bill gazed after him, shaking his head. “Christ,” he muttered. “I guess weirdness runs in the family or something.”

Raymond heard him. He stopped walking and turned back sharply. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Bill shrugged, unfazed by the other’s belligerent glare. “It means your sister’s not the only one who’s got some kind of bug up her ass, or whatever.”

Raymond frowned. “My sister? What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Hey, come on, man, I’m just saying, you know. Everybody in school knows something’s going on with her. Her and her friends, the big wheels. Only they don’t seem to be such good friends any more.”

“What do you mean?”

“Christ, where you been? Like, they always ate together in the cafeteria, right? Only now they don’t. Your sister sits off by herself someplace, and the others are like they don’t want to know her, you know? Only they don’t seem to get along so good themselves either. It’s all weird, and Cindy was like the leader, right? So it’s gotta be something she did. Or whatever. I’m just saying.”

“Bullshit,” Raymond said, for no good reason, and walked away.

 

# # # # # # # # # # # #

 

But Bill was right. Raymond started observing Cindy around the school, and noted that instead of being constantly surrounded by her friends, as in the past, she now kept pretty much to herself. The table in the cafeteria which had once been the domain of the elite group of Asian girls, the object of attention and envy, was now sparsely populated at lunchtime by maybe two or three of them, without the sprightly chatter and laughter that habitually emanated from that location. None of them seemed very happy. Something was indeed up, and he would bet it had something to do with that asshole Chad Rosen. His first thought was of how he could turn this circumstance to his advantage.

Raymond, being a year behind his sister in school, and never one of the most popular boys, was not friendly with Cindy’s group, but he had met most of them at one time or other. Rachel Harris was perhaps the one he knew best, and he decided to approach her.

He found her at her locker between classes. “Hi, Rachel,” he said, coming up behind her.

She whirled on him, a sudden fear on her face, her body strangely tense. When she saw who it was, she relaxed a bit, but she was obviously still agitated. The fright in her eyes diminished somewhat, but was quickly replaced by wariness and suspicion.

“Oh, Christ!” she said. “Are you in on it too?”

Raymond frowned. “In on what? What the hell’s going on, Rachel?”

“Nothing,” the girl said quickly, turning back to her locker.

“Well, something is,” Raymond said. “What’s happening with you guys and my sister?”

Rachel shot him a look of hatred. “Your sister is a filthy rotten chink bitch!” she spat out. “And if you–” She stopped herself, closed her locker and began to walk away.

“Hey, hold on,” Raymond said, following her. “Does this have something to do with that Chad Rosen guy?”

Rachel stopped walking and turned on him again. “Just leave me alone!” she said in a quivering voice. “All of you! You and fucking Chad Rosen and your fucking sister and her two thugs and everybody else, just fucking leave me alone!” She seemed to be verging on hysteria. Luckily the corridor was by now almost deserted. “You hear me?” she said, almost shouting now. “Leave me alone!”

Raymond was frowning again. “Hold on,” he said. “Two thugs? What two thugs?”

But Rachel suddenly shut down. “Forget it,” she muttered, and walked away again.

“Wait, wait.” Raymond caught up with her and stopped her. “What about these two thugs?” he demanded. “What are you talking about?”

The fear was back in the girl’s eyes. “I can’t tell you,” she muttered.

“I can’t–I didn’t mean anything. I gotta go.”

“Rachel,” Raymond said. “Listen. I can help you, okay? If this is–If you’re in trouble, like with Rosen and my sister, I can do something about that, okay? Just tell me what’s going on. Tell me about these two thugs.”

Rachel was almost crying. “Christ, I can’t!” she said. “They said they’d kill me. They have tapes of me–oh Christ–”

“Who are they? The two thugs?” Raymond insisted. “Just tell me that, okay?”

“I don’t know! Just two guys–big guys–they just–they–”

“Just tell me one thing,” Raymond said. “Was it a black guy and a white guy?”

Rachel swallowed and nodded.

“Shit,” Raymond said, half to himself. “Jack and Ben. It’s gotta be. That sneaky little bitch.”

Rachel caught her breath. “Yes. I heard one of them call the other Ben. But for god’s sake–”

“I knew it!” Raymond breathed.

“For god’s sake don’t tell anybody I told you, Raymond, please! Please! They’ll–”

“Listen, don’t worry about it. I’m gonna take care of it, okay?” A sudden thought came to him. He tried to fight it off, to resist it, but it was too strong. He looked at her in a different way now. “And hey, Rach? If I help you out here–just how grateful will you be to me? Hmmm?”

Rachel began to cry. Her tears affected him in a way he wasn’t used to, and a part of him felt sorry for what he had said. But it was only a part. For a minute he considered telling her to forget about it. But he didn’t.

 

# # # # # # # # # # # #

 

Cindy came home from school several days later to find her father and Raymond waiting for her in the living room. The expression on her father’s face made her turn pale and begin to tremble before a word was spoken.

“Good afternoon, Cindy,” her father said.

“What-what’s wrong, Daddy?” she asked, trying to keep her voice steady.

“You’ve been a very busy girl, Cindy,” her father said.

“Well, I–what do you mean, Daddy?”

“What are you, Cindy?” her father said. “Tell us what you are.”

Cindy swallowed. I’m–I’m a gook bitch and a gook sex slave,” she whispered.

“Say it louder.”

“I’m a gook bitch and a gook sex slave,” Cindy said again.

“You’ve told me that many times, Cindy,” her father said. “And we both know it’s true. But even sluts have limits. Evidently you have not. Even bitches can be taught obedience. I have tried to train you to be obedient, have I not, Cindy? I have put a great deal of effort over the years into instilling that into you, have I not? You have suffered much pain, much torment, much degradation at my hands in that attempt. Evidently it has not been enough.”

Cindy could barely speak. “Daddy, I–I don’t know–I mean, I don’t understand–what–what did–”

“Sit down, Cindy,” her father said. “There is something I want you to see.”

Cindy sat numbly down into a chair as her father picked up the remote control for the TV in the corner of the room. He clicked it on, along with the VCR that sat on top of it, and a tape began to play. When she saw what it was, a sharp, involuntarily scream came from her throat, and she immediately clapped her hands over her mouth to stifle it.

It was, she realized with horror, a tape of her first visit to Jack’s house, when she had approached him with her offer. She recalled all too clearly the security camera he had pointed out to her. The tape was in black and white, and not particularly sharp, but there was no mistaking the fact that it was her, and the sound was clear enough so that she could make out every word. For a moment everything was a blur, her panicked mind unable to focus, to even acknowledge the situation. But then some words came through to her. She heard herself on the tape saying, “If you tell my father about this–if he finds out–he’ll kill me.”

“I especially like that part,” Cindy’s father said. He pressed the rewind button on the remote and reversed the tape for a few seconds, then let it play again. Again she heard herself saying those words.

“So it wasn’t as if you didn’t know exactly what you were doing, was it, Cindy?” her father said.

“Daddy…I…Daddy…”

“Be quiet, Cindy. And watch.” her father said.

Cindy watched. She was trembling quite visibly now. She watched and listened to herself as she made her offer of herself to Jack, as she pressed him when he turned her down, as she tempted and tried to persuade him. And as he finally demanded that she strip for him. And as she did so.

“Oh god, turn it off, Daddy!” she cried finally. “Please!”

“Oh no, Cindy. We’re just getting to the interesting part,” her father said. Raymond was grinning. Cindy closed her eyes.

“No,” her father said sharply. “Keep your eyes open, Cindy. I want you to watch every minute.”

She watched herself strip naked, and a small whimper came from her throat as she saw herself going down on her knees before Jack and taking him in her mouth.

“Oh, you do that so well, Cindy,” her father said as the onscreen blow job went on. “My training has really been effective, I must say. In some ways, that is.”

“Daddy–”

“Be quiet, Cindy.”

The three of them continued to watch the scene in silence until Cindy, on the screen, swallowed Jack’s sperm and cleaned him off with her tongue. Still her father kept the tape running, until she left the room at Jack’s orders to go and pleasure his partner. Then he turned it off.

“That’s just one of several tapes I have seen, Cindy,” her father said.

“There are others, of subsequent visits. The scene with the dog, I think, is particularly compelling. Shall I play it for you, Cindy?”

Cindy could only shake her head. She was filled with dread, horror and an all-consuming fear. She tried to speak, but her throat was too tight. Her father watched her coldly, her brother grinningly.

“Daddy–” she croaked out finally. “Daddy, I–I was–I had to, how–how did you–”

“How did I find out?” her father said. “Did you really think you could hide this from me, Cindy? I would certainly have known sooner or later, but actually it was your brother who found it out first. However he discovered it, he was wise enough to tell me about it immediately. When he did, some other men and I paid your two friends a visit, and found this interesting evidence, among other things. I’m afraid Jack and Ben will no longer be available for your use, Cindy, or for that of anyone else. They, as well as you, knew that what they did would displease me. Their punishment was swift and final. Yours will not be.”

A brief but terrible moan came from Cindy’s throat. “Daddy–please…it was…I…”

“Your brother has redeemed himself with me by bringing this to my attention,” her father went on. “I had forbidden him any future use of any of the gook females in this house, but as a reward for his diligence I have rescinded that ban. Particularly as it applies to you, Cindy. From now on, Raymond will have unlimited access to you, at any time he wants and for whatever purpose. Is that understood, Cindy?”

Cindy glanced at her brother’s grinning, lust-filled face. “Oh my god!” she whispered. “He–Daddy, he’ll kill me!”

“No, he won’t,” her father said. “He is expressly forbidden to do that. But anything short of that is quite permissible. However, that’s only the beginning, Cindy.”

Cindy strove hard to bring herself under control. She was still shaking badly, and her voice was not steady, but she forced herself to speak.

“Daddy–Daddy, listen,” she pleaded desperately. “I had to do it. It was the only way, Daddy, because Chad was–You told me to keep Chad happy, Daddy, you told me I had to, and that’s what I was doing, because–because Chad wanted me to get him my friends, my girlfriends, and if I didn’t he–he was going to make me–to give me to other guys, to pass me around, and–I had to get them. Daddy, and I couldn’t, it was the only way, I had to keep him happy, Daddy, and you too, because you said I should, and he was going to make me a whore, Daddy, the school whore, and I–Oh god, please, Daddy, I had to do it, please …”

“So you made yourself a whore to keep from becoming a whore, is that it, Cindy?”

“But it would have been worse, Daddy. Chad would have made me do it with everybody, all the guys, and the whole school would–”

“Yes,” Cindy’s father said. “I understand that’s what you were trying to avoid, Cindy. And so that’s just what is going to happen.”

Cindy’s mouth opened, but nothing came out. Reflexively, she shook her head. Sudden tears sprang to her eyes and rolled down her cheeks.

Her father’s voice was very hard and flat now. “You will drop out of school immediately,” he said. “And for the entire remainder of the term you will spend each school day, all day, in the boys’ room. The same one used by Yellow Piss before she was discovered. But in this case there should be no such trouble, should there, Raymond?”

“Nah,” Raymond said. “With that tape we have of old Trask with Cindy, he’s not gonna make any trouble at all any more. Not for us.”

“Good. Cindy will be at the disposal of any and all white boys who wish to use her. In any way at all. You will charge nothing. No, wait. In that case she would be only a slut, not a whore. You will charge one dollar. Is that clear, Raymond? One dollar.”

“Sure,” Raymond said. “Can they piss on her too? Like Jen–like Yellow Piss?”

“Any way at all, I said, Raymond. There are to be no limits.”

“Daddy–” Cindy choked out. “Daddy, for god’s sake…”

“I want every boy in the school to use her, Raymond. I am sure the word will spread rapidly, but you will do your best to let everyone know that she is available. If there are any boys who don’t want to make use of her, you will do your best to persuade them. Take pictures and show them around. I want everyone to have her. Do you understand?”

“Sure,” Raymond said again. “‘Course there are some guys that are gay, you know? Not much you can do about them.”

“Try,” his father said. “And by the same token there are undoubtedly some female homosexuals who will be interested. Don’t neglect them.”

“How about the teachers?” Raymond asked. “I know some of them would want to get in on it. Just like old Trask.”

“Of course. Any of them who will not make trouble. And Mr. Trask himself, by the way, if he wishes to participate. Why not?”

Cindy was sobbing. “Daddy, please…” she choked out. “Please no. Please. I’ll do anything…”

“Shut up, whore,” her father said.

“One other thing,” Raymond said. “What about this Chad Rosen asshole? He started this whole thing. You want me to kick his ass for him?”

“No,” his father replied. “I have nothing against the Rosen boy. I gave him more or less of a free hand with Cindy, and he merely took advantage of it in a fairly imaginative way, to get what he wanted. I rather admire him for that. In fact, I rather think he and Cindy might have something of a future together–if he is still interested in her after the end of the term.”

Raymond and Cindy both stared at him. Cindy was making little whimpering sounds in her throat, the tears coursing down her face. After a moment she slid from her chair onto her hands and knees and began to crawl across the floor to her father.

“Daddy, please…” she gasped out, placing her cheek against his leg.

“I’m begging you, Daddy, don’t…I’m sorry…I’m sorry…I’ll do anything to make it up to you…Daddy…don’t do this to me …”

“Raymond,” Cindy’s father said. “Take this gook whore up to her room and hang her up off the floor. You may whip her until I come up, at which point I will take over. After that you may do as you like with her until dinner time.”

“Yes, sir,” Raymond said.

 

# # # # # # # # # # # #

 

“I have good news and bad news,” Raymond said to Rachel Harris.

She looked at him apprehensively. “What do you mean?”

“Well, the good news is that those two thugs you told me about are not around any more. They can’t do anything to you now. You can forget them. And that means Chad Rosen doesn’t have a hold on you any more, right?”

Rachel slumped with relief. “Oh god,” she breathed. “That’s great!” Then she stiffened again. “What’s the bad news?”

“Well, you know that tape they made of you? The one that shows you doing all those things and saying how much you love it and all?”

“They made me, for god’s sake! What about it?”

“I have it now,” Raymond said.

“Oh Christ Jesus,” Rachel said.

“Yeah.”

“Raymond–”

“I have tapes like that of Armina Banks and Melanie Bryan too,” Raymond said.

“Yeah, well, I don’t think they’ll do you much good,” Rachel said.

“Armina’s moved away, and Melanie’s in some goddam mental institution. That’s what your fucking sister did.”

Raymond shrugged. “That still leaves you,” he said.

“You slimy son of a bitch,” Rachel said. “What do you want?”

“You know what I want, Rach.”

“You want to fuck me. Just like Chad.”

Raymond grinned at her. “Just like Chad,” he said. “Any time I want, any place I want, any way I want.”

Rachel looked like she was going to cry again. But she didn’t. She bowed her head and hugged herself for a long minute, and then she looked up at him again.

“No,” she said.

“What?”

“No,” Rachel repeated. “I won’t do it. I’ve had it with you guys. If you want to show that tape around, go ahead. You want to send it to my parents? Show it to the whole school in the fucking auditorium? Do it. Fuck you. I’ll take that rather than have to screw you whenever you want, you white filthy piece of shit! What else are you gonna do? Get some more goons to beat me up and rape me? You better have them kill me, ’cause I’ll put your ass in jail so fast you won’t know what hit you! And if you come near me again I’ll do it anyway. You got that?” She was panting hard and almost sobbing, but her eyes blazed and her face was full of fury.

“Well, shit,” Raymond said. “Calm down, for Christ sake. Jesus. What about one time then?”

“What?” Rachel said.

“A compromise,” Raymond said. “You fuck me just one time, real good, and I’ll forget about it. I’ll give you the damn tape, okay? That’s fair, right?”

Rachel stared at him. She almost felt like laughing.

“Okay,” she said finally. “One time.”

“Terrific,” Raymond said.

# # # # # # # # # # # #

 

Mr. Cohn’s adopted Asian daughter Cindy in the men’s room was even more popular than Jenna Wang had been. Jenna was just another Asian girl, albeit an attractive and sexy one, but Cindy was, or had been, the queen of the school. There were a lot of boys like Chad who resented and disliked her because of the disdain with which she had treated them personally, and there were many more who begrudged her just because of her high position and her generally snobbish attitude. Even those who did not feel that way had long felt that they would love to bring Cindy Cohn down a notch, and had dreamed of doing it by venting their sexual desires on her fine young Asian body. And now they had their chance. All of them. As often as they wanted. And for only a dollar a time.

Day after day, from the beginning of the school day to the end, Cindy lay or crouched or knelt on the hard tiles of the bathroom floor, beset by a never-ending line of white men, who fucked her in her vagina or in her mouth or even in her ass. Sometimes they jerked off on her, and often they pissed on her, and a few actually got off by defecating into her mouth or on her face, but mostly they fucked her. Many times their fucking was accompanied by taunts and jeers. “Not so goddam stuck-up now, are you, you chink bitch?”

“You called me a jerk, Cindy, now this jerk is fucking your ass, you like that?”

“Oh yeah, Miss Chinky, High and Mighty, I’m gonna piss in your face, you bitch!”

Cindy cried a lot, particularly the first few days, but after a while she seemed to run out of tears. But her moans and cries and sometimes her screams were in perpetual supply. Raymond was with her much of the time, monitoring her performance, as was Chad, who had been apprised of the situation by Raymond, at his father’s orders. Every hour or so one of them took her into the shower to clean her up. Even when neither of them was there, Cindy did not dare to try to leave, or to object to anything that anyone wanted to do to her.

Mr. Trask was a frequent visitor. He liked to get to her first thing in the morning, when she was still fresh, and to use her body to take out his anger at her for having secretly taped him. Several of the other male teachers came around, most of them more than once. As Cindy’s father had predicted, a few female students showed up too, but most of them only once; the wildly lustful masculinity in that bathroom was too intimidating. Among them was Norma Veney, who came mainly to gloat.

Cindy was the school’s Asian whore, and everyone knew it.

As the days lengthened into weeks the crowds thinned out a little, but never enough to give her much rest. And each afternoon, when she returned home, bruised, exhausted and aching in every part of her body, her father had her kneel in front of him and bring him off with her mouth while Raymond described the day’s action to him. After which she sucked off Raymond as well. By the time the end of term approached she had become haggard, pale and almost gaunt, a broken shadow of her former self, although her figure was still good enough to keep the boys coming, and her father insisted that she keep up her appearance as best she could, bathing, caring for her hair, making herself up each morning as if for a regular school day. Cindy went through the motions mechanically. Every day she begged her father to bring her ordeal to an end, but with less and less hope as time went on.

At the end of the final day of the term she found Chad waiting at her house along with Raymond and her father. Jenna Wang, as usual at that time of day, was in the kitchen preparing dinner, while Vivi Wang was upstairs doing the cleaning. As always, Cindy was required to suck her white father off, and then her white brother. She finished by doing it for Chad also.

“Now, Cindy,” her white father said when she had finished, “I have invited Chad here in order to make some decisions about your future. Now that you have dropped out of school, you are fit for nothing but to be a gook slave and a whore for the rest of your life. But you cannot continue to be a drain on me, particularly once you have reached your majority. Therefore I have decided at that time to pass you on to Chad here, who appears to be excellent white master-material. And of course I know how fond you are of him,” he added dryly.

Cindy, still on her knees, closed her eyes. Tears came from beneath her lids. She wanted to beg, but she knew it was useless.

“The question, however, is whether young Chad is still interested in you, especially after what he has witnessed during the past few weeks. What do you say, Chad? Would you like to own this sorry little Asian whore for the rest of your life?”

Chad didn’t hesitate. “I would,” he said. “Hell, yes, I most certainly would.”

“Good. Mind you, I would expect you to bring her around for family visits on a regular basis, so that her brother and I can still make use of her when the desire arises.”

“Of course,” Chad said. “That way I’ll be able to use that hoist in her bedroom. Until I can set up one of my own.”

Cindy let out a pitiful whimper and bent over until her head nearly touched the floor, hugging herself in terror and despair.

Her white father smiled.

 

 

 

The End

Author: inferiorasian

I have been a very confused—some might say very conflicted—girl ever since I can remember and I have always lived in a fantasy world of my own making. I was born in Japan, my mother is Chinese and my father is Japanese, and my father's mother or my grandmother was German Dutch, and I came to the United States as a teenager and lived and went to school in Maryland, and worked in New York. I lived in fantasy worlds since I was a teenager and I have always done so, sometimes so deep in my own fantasy I forgot my own identity. I no longer knew who I am. Physically I look more European than asian. My father is of mixed heritage—he has white blond hair, but he also has some distinctly Japanese features. On the other hand my features mostly resembled my grandmother, who was a full blooded European woman. Which was not something that really bothered me. Actually most modern Japanese look very European compared to the rest of asians. My father was a sadist, and my mother, on the other hand, was, in my opinion, a masochist with no self respect. Growing up, seeing my father beating my mother was almost as frequent as having dinner, and when not beating her, she was constantly being humiliated and degraded, like having to serve dinner to him naked on her knees or being tied to an utility pole only in her panties during the winter. At first I believed my mother was a victim, a unfortunate human being in the hands of a cruel evil man, but as I grew older I realized that it was my mother who enjoyed being treated this way. The initial realization made me feel she was a disgusting, perverted, sick person, but as I grew older I began to have the almost identical sexual fantasies that my mother lived and experienced through. I began to think that my mother was the luckiest woman on earth since apparently she had found a man who understood her desires and could give them to her. My dad studied and worked in America before, and during that period he desperately wanted to marry a white woman, and vehemently pursued several white women, but was unsuccessful. At the same time Japanese women were unwilling to marry him. Maybe because just like him they were looking to marry into the white race, or maybe because he had sadistic tendencies. Out of options he settled to look for a Chinese woman. Statistically, marriages between Chinese women and Japanese men have been quite common, and I personally knew quite a few couples just like my mother and father. Even here in America I knew several Chinese women who had Japanese boyfriends and those women were actually quite proud of having superior Japanese men as boyfriends. Japanese in general look much more European compared to other asians and I suspect it was the putative European appearance that attracts other asian women. Of course Japanese are not Europeans, no matter how much we try to become European, just as Jews will never be fully accepted as White Christians. I think Jews and Japanese have a lot in common. We were both persecuted by Europeans, the Jews by Germans, and Japanese by Americans, yet we both come to love our white Masters. Jews weren't officially considered white until very recently, and I think as time progresses eventually Japanese will be categorized as white in the future, though Jews and Japanese will always know that they are still inferior to their Nordic Masters. But as always the Jews will be Masters over the Arabs and the Japanese will be Masters over the rest of Asia. There is no other meaning to life, other than the degree of domination. I had an older sister who looked fully asian, as opposed to me who looked much more European. And ever since childhood I have always known for a fact that I was treated better by everyone else because of my distinctly European appearance. In school classmates would be hesitant to tease me because they always thought my father might be an American or an European man even though they knew my mother was Chinese but somehow they still were afraid of me solely because of my European appearance. The thing was that in Japanese naming system, my mother's last name automatically gets attached to mine, so for example, my name in Japanese would actually be "Suzuki Liu Jennifer", because my mother's maiden name is Liu; this way everyone would instantly know my mother is Chinese. On the other hand my sister was bullied almost everyday by upper classmates because she looked very Chinese. They made fun of her hair and clothes and told her that she looked like a Chinese pig and I had seen boys pulling down her pants and laughing at her for having a "Chinese vagina". I was a very young girl back then and I felt ashamed of having her as a sister so in school I didn't talk to her at all. When I was 12 years old, she committed suicide by hanging herself in her closet. I know this because I was the one who discovered her body. My parents would have never told me about her death if I did not saw her dead body by myself. And ever since her death a dark cloud formed over my head and throughout my teenager years I was constantly harrowed by thoughts of suicide. It was not until I was much older that I learned suicide is infectious and that had been why I was constantly thinking about suicide. The realization made me try not to think too much about death, but no matter how much I try I can never get her image out of my head. Sometimes I feel she still haunts me because I didn't talk to her in school. My parents divorced when I was 14 and I went to live with my mom in China for two years. Contrary to popular beliefs, I had never experienced any form of racism or discrimination against me when I was living in China. Most people assumed that I was an European girl and the aura of being European seemed to make me inapproachable, like the shield of Athena covering me from head to toe. Even when I was in school, when classmates would know my father was Japanese because of my last name, I had never really felt any discrimination, though I did feel they were kind of afraid of me. I had never realized how much being White meant until I was in America: the symbol of power, domination, and superiority that being White implies. Being White is being the entelechy of all that is beautiful, good and righteous. Which is strange because my nationality still is, in actuality, Japanese and as I grew older I started to look more asian. My hair has gotten completely dark and my looks started to resemble my mother's. I used to have very light-colored hair, but I just felt fortunate that I do not look fully asian like my sister was. When I saw this image [of a naked asian woman kneeling next to a black furred dog] in a Japanese SM magazine a few days ago, all of a sudden I remembered seeing my mother in a similar position when I was maybe just 5 or 6 years old. It was not a pleasant experience; it was an extremely scary and traumatic experience, and growing up I heard constant moaning and muffled screams coming from my parents' bedroom. Every evening was a nightmare to fall asleep. But knowing that many asian women were treated the same way as my mother had been treated somehow made me feel better about my own family. At least my parents were not as weird as they seemed, and while growing up I had gradually come to realize that many asian girls have the same masochistic tendencies as I do, but many were just very shy and wouldn't admit their secrets. So it seems there are many masochistic asian women out there who thrives on been humiliated and degraded just like the girl in this image; I don't know why but this image made me feel kind of normal. I have lived in the States for nearly ten years now and I have not talked to my parents, who had divorced, for several years, especially to my mother whom I had some very severe arguments with over the years, especially when she remarried after she went back to China. I was more fond of my father though I haven't really talked to him that much either because he too had remarried. Despite all the mean things I had said about my dad, he was always very gentle with me and never beat me. He beat my sister and my mother but never me and I suspect he was much more gentle with me because of my more European looks. I felt their divorce was a punishment for me, as if they had abandoned me and I never felt comfortable with either of them or their new spouses, whether it be in China or in Japan. My mother's new husband was a very cruel and domineering white man living in China and he never treated me with the same special treatment I received from my dad. And I remember one time when I went out with him people on the street mistook me for his wife and I felt so disgusted I never wanted to go out with him again and then he would yell at me and yell at my mom. I am glad to have gotten out of there. And my dad ... well let's just say I couldn't bear to coexist with his new wife either. The last time we talked was already 3 years ago. This image had brought back so many long forgotten yearnings. I miss my sister and my parents. The memory of my sister and my parents started to fade away, like wavering forms they passed before my clouded sight; their images have become a blur rise about me out of mist and cloud; their faces, and their figures have become shades of phantoms; I wanted to hold you close to me in that blessed fleeting moment when you reappeared to me in my dreams. If only I possessed the strength to draw you near. I wanted to forever remember you—you bear the images of happy days; your airy smiles still stir youthful tremors in my breast—but my memory faltered. It would have been simpler if I were already dead. I would never be seized again by those long forgotten yearnings. I shuddered at those thoughts; and a tear draws other tears. Crying is my only form of release; through crying I am channeled to the solemn and silent world of spirits; crying is my whispered prayer that lingers in a vagrant tone. I have no one to talk to. I live in solitary confinement. I have been driven to madness even though physically I stay put. My life—full of dolor, pain and suffering. Sometimes I wish I could end it. The only reason I continue to live is for otherwise I lack the courage to carry out that final act, to take me beyond and step into the unknown. It is so much better to have been never born at all, or at least to die an immediate death. How sweet and wonderful death would be. My dear Aya, I am so very sorry! A vast space of nothingness in the empty universe fills my heart. Everyday of my life I live in terror because of you.

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